Asking “What’s wrong with your baby?” In a nice way

amother

Teal

Thu, Mar 01 2018, 10:17 pm

My friend has a baby the same age as my baby. I think she has some disability but my friend never said anything about it and I never asked.
I don’t want to say anything that will be rude. I think asking what’s wrong with your baby is the worst thing you can say to someone.
But I feel like I’m messing up when I talk to her like her kid is fine. Questions like is she going to the same playgroup as my dd and then she tells me her dd is going to a special playgroup.
Then I feel stupid. I still don’t know if she has a diagnosis or if she’s just developmentally delayed but will catch up eventually.
I wish I could just know so I don’t make more mistakes.

Is there any polite way of finding out if she has a diagnosis or not? If she’s just delayed then asking is hurtful. I don’t know what to do.

cnc

Thu, Mar 01 2018, 10:23 pm

I’m assuming that if she wants to she’ll share. I wouldn’t ask unless she offers the informations

amother

Orchid

Thu, Mar 01 2018, 10:29 pm

My daughter has Down syndrome so it's obvious what she has but I don't mind if people ask me about how she's doing, how her schooling is going etc. as long as it's coming from a place of caring and not idle curiosity.

amother

Teal

Thu, Mar 01 2018, 10:41 pm

After thinking about it I think she might have Down’s syndrome and I’m just used to how she looks and didn’t really realize by appearance.

Could it be that my friend assumes I already know because it should be obvious but I have been blind?

And that makes my mess ups even worse because I should have known and everyone already knows.

yogabird

Thu, Mar 01 2018, 10:54 pm

How did she sound when she told you her kid was going to a special playgroup? Did she mumble it under her breath and blush or did she say it in a nonchalant way? I think this is a very individual thing. Some people are very open about their kids issues and some people are not.

ra_mom

Thu, Mar 01 2018, 10:55 pm

If she brings up a topic like her daughter going to a special playgroup it's ok to say in a caring voice is everything ok? If she wants to share that's her opening and if not she'll let you know.

seeker

Thu, Mar 01 2018, 11:56 pm

I think that without actually asking what's wrong, you can still talk about the kids without any pretense that her child is developing the same as yours. I have many friends/acquaintances like this. I keep things open-ended. If they want to share details they do, and if they don't then I haven't put them on the spot. For example instead of asking a presumptive question like "WHICH playgroup are you sending Chaya to next year" (you're assuming she's sending Chaya to playgroup) or worse "I'm so excited to have our kids together at Morah Esty next year just like the last few kids!" you'd ask "Are you thinking about playgroups for Chaya yet?" and she can either say "No, not really" or "We're sending to one outside the neighborhood" or "We're sending to Specific Special School" or "We're trying to get into SSS because I heard they are awesome with Specific Special Need."

In other words, you might get information, you might not get information, but you can take the awkwardness out of the way. If your point is your relationship/rapport and not your curiosity, that should take care of it.

imasinger

Fri, Mar 02 2018, 6:59 am

Sometimes, saying to her what you just said is the best way. "I don't quite know how to say this, but I feel like you're assuming I know something about little Chaya that I don't. Have you been going through something out of the ordinary this year? Have I been less supportive than you would have liked?"

There are only two responses I can think of to a wording like that -- either "no, everything's fine, why do you ask", in which case you can say, "well, it sounded like you said she was going to a special needs playgroup", and she will likely clarify without feeling hurt; or "yes, didn't I ever tell you? Here's what's happening..."

amother

Ecru

Fri, Mar 02 2018, 9:24 am

imasinger wrote:

Don't. Don't make it about you and your feelings.

imasinger

Fri, Mar 02 2018, 9:26 am

How is saying, "have I been less supportive than you needed" about one's own feelings?

I have SN kids. If someone asked me that, I would not see it as a bid for reassurance, but rather as a straightforward way to open communication.

ProudMommy3

Fri, Mar 02 2018, 3:04 pm

I agree with you, Imasinger. Quite an appropriate way to ask that question. And so tactfully worded...just what I would expect from you! I always love your posts!

amother

Red

Sun, Mar 04 2018, 5:00 pm

I have a kid with a developmental delay and mild genetic syndrome. It isn't visible (like Down syndrome would be), but it's obvious from things she can't do and things I mention (like PT / OT) that there's something going on.

What imasinger suggested would be fine for some people, but it would be too painful for me.

I hated when people pried. Even many of my close friends don't entirely know what's going on with my dd, just general stuff. Because for me, the most important thing is to have some semblance of normalcy, where my dd's health isn't important to every conversation about her, even when I mention her therapies or whatever. Also, it took years to get her a clear diagnosis, so being asked directly what was wrong with her for most of her life was a terrible, terrible question, because I was drowning in this sea of unknowns as far as her health was concerned, going from doctor to doctor to doctor and no one knowing what the problem was, and even small reminders that I was stuck in that state were so painful and anxiety-inducing - being able to act like everything was normal was a life saver for me, kind of a fake it til you make it approach. For most of dd's life, sharing things about her development or medical condition was very, very difficult - her whole saga was so overwhelming for me, it took over every ounce of headspace I had and took over my marriage and took over everything with our families. . . so being able to be with people who cared about me but were semi-oblivious was a blessing because I could focus on other things for once and feel like just another mommy. I didn't want support, I just wanted normal. And I wanted my friends to be able to accept whatever level of information I was comfortable sharing, and if they stuck their foot in their mouth in the process, I never noticed, because I knew they were working with limited information.

The only thing that drove me crazy when people said 'well, she's doing amazing' - either they had no idea how she was doing and shouldn't be making assumptions, or it was just insulting (e.g. she finally started to run when she was around 3 and when people told me she was doing great, it felt like 'your expectations of my daughter are so low that a 3 year old running around is amazing?'). I know they meant well, but it always irked me. Sorry, just a pet peeve of mine, others might appreciate it. I do have to say though, she really is doing amazing Smile

Obviously, lots of other people deal with things totally differently than I do.

Regardless, definitely ask the least assuming questions possible: ask 'will your daughter be home with you again next year' vs. 'which playgroup is she going to', or ask 'what cute things has your daughter done recently' vs. 'is your daughter crawling/sitting/walking/talking/etc'.

Only ask for more information when you can follow your friend's lead - if she mentions a special playgroup, you can say 'oh, that sounds great, what's it like there?' - that way she can share as much or as little information as she wants (anywhere from, 'it only has 7 kids and 4 staff members and we're so happy with the caregiver-child ratio' to 'let me tell you all about the special programs they have for kids with types x,y,z of problems'). Or if she mentions some kind of therapy (PT / OT / speech / etc) you may be able to ask a follow up question or two (not 'what is she going for', but maybe something like 'do you like the therapist' or 'does your kid like it (if older than a baby)' which can open the door for her to share more info, but allows her to not share more info if she doesn't want to).

That's my two cents. But as you can see from this thread, everyone deals with these kinds of things differently, and the best thing you can do is to notice your firend's reactions and adjust accordingly.