My teen son has an eating disorder how to deal with it?

amother

Firebrick

Tue, Mar 06 2018, 10:10 pm

My teen son has an eating disorder, Im really sad about it.
He was always heavy but now his weight falls into the category of obese.
I never say a word to him, and really accept him and love him the way he is.
I just feel his whole head and life revolves around food, he completely loses himself.
He eats without table manners, and as many times as I spoke to him about it nothing helped. He just loses himself in the food and the way he eats is almost not human.
WHich is interseting there is alway enough, I do not portion his food or anything like that because I do not want him to become desparate for it.
He has a VERY limited diet only eats 2-3 food mostly starch food. He refuses to touch or taste anything else (not including nosh, chips, cake and such of course)
Hes in yeshiva but when hes home hes either eating or sleeping.
He feels horrible about it, but is running away from himself. Recently when I took him to the dr. he made a fuss about stepping on the scale, and then said its impossible the scale is lying...
He tries to joke about it and be nonchalant but I know it bothers him.
I know its such a stuggle, what can I do to help him if he's not asking for help?

Katie B

Wed, Mar 07 2018, 9:34 am

I'm sorry your going through this. I as well am recovering from Bulimia which is different then your sons eating disorder, However an eating disorder is an eating disorder/ a problem with food and self esteem.
What helped me and I believe could help him is going to a nutritionist that will give him time, has a big heart, and has lots of patience. Help him follow the plan that the nutritionist/ dietitian sets up for him and commend him for positive actions.
Therapy can help. for example DBT which is Dialectical Behavioral Therapy and psychotherapy. Maybe there is a reason why he is making such food choices. Maybe its something in his past that's triggering it and only psychotherapy could determine that.

Again lots of hugs! and if you want you can PM me with any questions...

Teomima

Wed, Mar 07 2018, 9:47 am

Would he be willing to attend an OA meeting? I find that it's a very, very helpful first step in helping someone understand and come to terms with their relationship with food. I can tell you the likelihood of a doctor/nutritionist working, without him processing the role food plays in his life, is very slim.

Katie B

Wed, Mar 07 2018, 9:53 am

Just wondering, Is there OA for teens?

Teomima wrote:

Teomima

Wed, Mar 07 2018, 10:57 am

amother wrote:

OA is extremely damaging. I wouldn't recommend it for an adult and certainly not for a kid!!!

Just out of curiosity, why did you say so? I found OA extremely helpful when I finally began going and have often wished I had known about such a resource when I was a teen struggling with my weight.

amother

Firebrick

Wed, Mar 07 2018, 11:42 am

OP here,

I don't think I would take him to OA meetings I don't think hes mature enough at this point to benefit.
From what I understand OA teaches you that you CANNOT have control over food without the 12 step program, or with even a drop of sugar in your diet. It completely takes away your power and bechira. I do not like this modality, even though I do recognize it works for many.

I also question the point of taking him to a therapist if hes not asking to go to one.
You could lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink..
Hes a young teen, barely 14 yo.
Therapy is hard work, and a person has to have a very strong will to help themselves in order for it to work. Please let me know your thoughts especially if you have experience.

amother

Dodgerblue

Wed, Mar 07 2018, 11:46 am

OP, I think your son must be related to my DH, table manners and all.

I know it breaks your heart to see him do this to himself, but I can tell you from experience that there is really nothing you can do. He has to want to do it for himself, and the idea has to come from him.

I am really sorry.

Teomima

Wed, Mar 07 2018, 12:20 pm

amother wrote:

So I totally respect your feeling that it might not be right for him, but I also want to tell you that my OA experiences have been nothing at all like what you mentioned, like, really nothing at all like any of that. Just wanted to put that out there. Wishing you both hatzlacha though with whatever approach you choose!

amother

Firebrick

Wed, Mar 07 2018, 12:48 pm

Teomima wrote:

Can you elaborate? I really wish to understand it and would love to hear your experience.

Teomima

Wed, Mar 07 2018, 1:11 pm

amother wrote:

Can you elaborate? I really wish to understand it and would love to hear your experience.

Sure! So, the whole "higher power" thing, to me, wasn't about saying I needed to give up control, rather it was a way for me to not have to always feel guilty. Weight Watchers, doctors, nutritionists, they'd all make me feel so guilty if I didn't stick to my diet, I felt the whole burden on me, and even worse, as a teen, I felt I just disappointed my mom, yet again. And, of course, that guilt just led back to me comforting myself with food, perpetuating this awful cycle. But the higher power concept in OA allowed me to feel, "Okay, this is just how I am, Hashem made me and for some reason I was designed with this unhealthy attitude towards food. Now I can acknowledge this fault and try to work with it, instead of always feeling like I'm fighting and failing."

(It's also what led me to, eventually, in my mid-thirties, have weight loss surgery. I know that's not an ideal solution for everyone, but I had a realization that I just couldn't do it alone, that after twenty years of struggling with my weight and feeling horrible about myself, I needed to relieve myself of the guilt, and I had an amazing tool available to me that could, and did, help me achieve my own success).

Also, while there are some groups that work with extreme diets (like the Grey Sheet), those are the exception, not the rule. None of the groups I ever attended followed any sort of diet. OA isn't a weight loss group, it's a support system for people who are compulsive overeaters.

I hope this helps.

amother

Black

Wed, Mar 07 2018, 1:48 pm

amother wrote:

I have an excellent teen nutritionist in Pamona. She helped my son. I took him to her and stepped out. She gave him a food journal first visit which he ignored. He then halfway did it second visit. At the same time he came to me for portion control and adding about healthier choices. He started asking about low call substitutes.

I never got involved, so I can't tell you her magic. My son went from husky pants which I had to alter to get the crotch right to XS. He is concerned about his appearance and now takes pride dressing nice.

princessleah

Wed, Mar 07 2018, 5:03 pm

You said in your OP that he feels horrible about it. So why not some time gently ask “would you like me to help you with this in some way? Or find you some help?”

On the other hand, has he experienced his teen growth spurt yet? If not he may “even out” a little and then you can work on better eating habits.

amother

Orchid

Wed, Mar 07 2018, 9:32 pm

As someone who has suffered enormously from disordered eating for most of my life and is finally on the journey toward peace with food (sorry if that sounds weird I don't know how else to say it) may I suggest you give a call to Rena Reiser? She's put together a stable of classes and consulting products geared toward teaching the intuitive eating model (pioneered by nutritionists Elyse Resch and Evelyn Tribole, which indicates that dieting is actually a lifelong struggle doomed to failure ESPECIALLY when there's an emotional component) from the frum perspective (Shabbosim! Yomim Tovim! Simchas! L'chaims and farbrengens and mishloach manos etc etc.!)

I've taken her course for myself and for my kids and it's changed my life in every way possible. Even if you don't take any of her training just talking to her might be helpful and/or supportive, especially because she really does have resources completely different than the standard until now.

You might also want to check out dietician Dina Cohen in Lakewood, who deals with the intuitive eating approach. They both have fantastic articles easily available that can give you the approach in a nutshell.

Rena Reiser: www.renareiser.com
Dina Cohen: t: (732) 737-7576 and email: eatwellsoon@gmail.com

and - HUGS. HUGS. HUGS. You are giving your son the greatest gift of his life.