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Cry it out failed years later



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thegiver




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 08 2018, 2:17 am
My dd now 4 doesnt sleep securely unless we are closeby and she feels safe. We made her feel abandoned as a baby. Im certain CIO was a mistake with her.

Do u see correlation btwn CIO and not good sleep habits as older kids?

What are alternatives? Reading gina fords contented little baby book ....now for newborn and not thrilled about letting little baby cry for 10-12 minutes!! Eek!
I dont like pacifiers :-/
How do I soothe my baby to sleep without nursing or holding him?
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alis_al_kulana




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 08 2018, 2:26 am
What's wrong with nursing or holding a little baby to sleep. Just put them down once sleeping. If you're consistent they'll eventually be able to sleep after being put down.
I don't believe in cio until after child is 12 months. But I work hard to make a routine and structure and usually kids are on a sleep schedule before that.
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amother
Burgundy


 

Post Thu, Mar 08 2018, 4:02 am
I have tried cio with one of my kids it was a disaster. I made sure with other kids to put them out of my room as early as possible, that was what worked without the cryout method. If you keep them in your room for longer then newborn stage they will have a hard r time separating and definitely the nursing plays a huge role in this.
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amother
Black


 

Post Thu, Mar 08 2018, 4:15 am
Putting out of my room made huge difference w most my children. I may have let a child cio on rare occasion but I just dnt believe in it. Children need care and to be soothed. Some more than others... I'm not sure why no pacifiers. You'll deal with the fallouts of that later. Rather have an emotionally healthy child.
Why am I up at this hour?! Yup...soothing my baby! It's hard but the crying/kverching stage doesnt last forever...I try to remember that
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finallyamommy




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 08 2018, 6:23 am
I don't sleep unless I feel safe, and I'm 29. It is totally healthy and normal for your 4 year old to need you. My daughter is turning two this month and just starting to think about weaning from nursing and sleeping in a big girl bed rather than in my bed.
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watergirl




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 08 2018, 7:08 am
I had to do a dr ordered cio with my oldest who is now 14. I tell the story often because I want people to learn from what I had to go through and I’m not ashamed to admit it. She was a horrible sleeper until she was about four months old. Even then, the nighttime routine took forever. From our hospital experience when she was born, I had been told by the nurses that she had to go to sleep on me. Recovering from a C-section, it was much easier and so that’s how she got used to going to sleep. I had no life and for this and other reasons developed postpartum anxiety (at that time it wasnt yet in the DSM. It is now). One day when she was just about five months old, she was screaming mid day and I lost it completely. I literally threw her in her crib (unused until this point) so hard that she bounced. I slammed the door, called her dad (now my ex) to come home from work, then called my obgyn for an emergency referral to a therapist, then called the therapist and booked my first appointment and they took me that day. That night I had to do cio. Her pediatritian agreed that based on my mental state and the fact that her dad refused to get up with her, I had no choice.

Firsr night she cried for one and a half hours. Second night for 15 mins. Third night went right to sleep.

She was a happier baby and to this day, people tell me how awesome she is and how well adjusted.

I dont believe cio hurts kids later on. She never lost trust in me. In my case, I had no choice but I do think that its an option when it needs to be.
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blessedflower




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 08 2018, 7:08 am
If you put the baby in bed before he starts crying from tiredness, and just leave him alone, you will see that a baby that's tired and calm will fall asleep by itself. Just make sure the baby isn't over tired. Cuz then he'll cry. And crying baby's don't fall asleep as easily.
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blessedflower




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 08 2018, 7:09 am
I'm sorry but what is cio?
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 08 2018, 7:15 am
Cio= cry it out.

I do not believe there is the slightest correlation between letting an otherwise loved and well cared for infant (over 5 months) crying it out, and a 4 year old having sleep problems.

You would be wise to stop focusing on the past, and look at the present. What is stressful in her life right now? Could it be, maybe, the stress of a new sibling? Treat that. Give her extra one on one time, especially before bed. Stop guilting yourself.

As to your last question about how to soothe without holding or pacifier, I learned this from watching infant daycare. You can darken the room, pat or rub a baby's back (if stomach sleeping is permitted) or arm or head, and hum a little lullaby. It takes time, sometimes weeks, but eventually, a routine can be put into place, then it goes quickly. Personally, I think pacifiers are a good thing for infants.


Last edited by imasinger on Thu, Mar 08 2018, 7:23 am; edited 1 time in total
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Teomima




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 08 2018, 7:19 am
I don't like cio. I don't judge people for doing it, there are those that swear by it, but it just never felt right to me.

The result is that I go over a year with very little sleep. However, my long term experiences have been very successful, so to me it's worth it.

ETA: I agree with imasinger, though, and doubt OP's current issues have anything to do with cio from years ago. Better to get to the source of what's changed/going on now.
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Kiwi13




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 08 2018, 7:55 am
I think you really need to know your kid. We did a modified version of CIO with our son when he was about 8 months old and it took about 2 days for him to start peacefully sleeping the night. It was painful to hear him cry, but I do believe it was in his best interest. He is 2.5 years old now and does not have any sleeping issues. My sister tried CIO with her daughter and it was a total flop. After a few weeks/months of trying it from difficult angles they gave up. It didn’t work for her and they had to find another approach. I don’t think there is anything inherently wrong with CIO done right.

In a smaller way I think it’s also a form of CIO when I let my baby cry herself to sleep after exhausting all other options. If she is fed and changed and healthy and isn’t comforted by being held or rocked or sung to, then she’s usually just overtired and needs all stimulation to stop so she can fall asleep. She usually sounds miserable about it but falls asleep within about 3-5 minutes.

OP, I question if your daughter’s problem has anything to do with CIO. Even if CIO left her feeling abandoned and traumatized as an infant, kids are resilient and I’m sure she’s had plenty of positive, healing interactions with you since then. It really sounds to me like there’s something else going on here, and you might want to start with her pediatrician to figure it what it is and how to help her.

Is your daughter clingy only at night or always? Are there other worrisome behaviors? Does she have nightmares or night terrors? Is something else causing her stress or pain? Maybe try to observe if anything else is going on. And try not to put ideas in her head about potential causes (such as, “are you upset because...?”).

Good luck, OP. It’s so hard to watch our kids have a hard time and it’s so hard not to blame ourselves. Years ago I knew someone who struggled with mental health in adulthood and his mother blamed herself because she didn’t breastfeed him long enough! If it sounds silly, it is. But we as mothers care about our children and want to do right by them. That’s what you are doing by seeking help for your daughter. Don’t blame yourself, just help your daughter.

Hang in there.
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allthingsblue




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 08 2018, 8:51 am
My 4 year old (with whom we did cio as a baby) sleeps beautifully.
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amother
Black


 

Post Thu, Mar 08 2018, 9:05 am
watergirl wrote:
I had to do a dr ordered cio with my oldest who is now 14. I tell the story often because I want people to learn from what I had to go through and I’m not ashamed to admit it. She was a horrible sleeper until she was about four months old. Even then, the nighttime routine took forever. From our hospital experience when she was born, I had been told by the nurses that she had to go to sleep on me. Recovering from a C-section, it was much easier and so that’s how she got used to going to sleep. I had no life and for this and other reasons developed postpartum anxiety (at that time it wasnt yet in the DSM. It is now). One day when she was just about five months old, she was screaming mid day and I lost it completely. I literally threw her in her crib (unused until this point) so hard that she bounced. I slammed the door, called her dad (now my ex) to come home from work, then called my obgyn for an emergency referral to a therapist, then called the therapist and booked my first appointment and they took me that day. That night I had to do cio. Her pediatritian agreed that based on my mental state and the fact that her dad refused to get up with her, I had no choice.

Firsr night she cried for one and a half hours. Second night for 15 mins. Third night went right to sleep.

She was a happier baby and to this day, people tell me how awesome she is and how well adjusted.

I dont believe cio hurts kids later on. She never lost trust in me. In my case, I had no choice but I do think that its an option when it needs to be.

Although I dnt believe in coi in ur shoes I wouldv done the same. And that it worked in 3 days just shows it was the best thing for ur daughter. Realize that some ppl take advantage of the fact that it's a 'method' and let their babys scream too much too often cuz theyr lazy. I do believe it's a legit method for cases like urs...just not for all
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acemom




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 08 2018, 2:17 pm
Has OP's child consistently been having trouble falling asleep?

Sometimes kids go through a phase of night terrors or other issues that makes them fearful and constantly need the reassurance.

A 4 year old can usually verbally express what she/he is afraid of.

BTDT.
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Metukah




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 08 2018, 2:35 pm
I moved all 3 of my kids out if my room between 10-12 months. They were waking every 2-3 hours and the only way to end it was taking them out the room.
For the first 3 nights I did the cio method. None of them cried in the 4th night.

Eta to correct auto correct


Last edited by Metukah on Thu, Mar 08 2018, 3:49 pm; edited 1 time in total
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mha3484




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 08 2018, 2:46 pm
I did CIO with my oldest when he was 14 months old. It took about a week and now at the age of 7. he sleeps like the dead. My next child who gradually slept longer stretches until he slept through the night around 9 months old is my worst sleeper ever. I think its just a child's nature.
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amother
Smokey


 

Post Thu, Mar 08 2018, 2:56 pm
I think every child is different. What works for one child may not work exactly the same for the next child. I always do CIO but I had to tweak for each child. All my children were different in their "personalities" as babies ....but I never let them cry more than 20 min. I know that using the CIO method did not affect their sleeping now that they are older.
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amother
Sienna


 

Post Thu, Mar 08 2018, 7:29 pm
My baby probably gets the award for the worst sleeper in history. Until he was ten months old he could not sleep more than 45 minutes straight. He was constantly nursing, screaming, and fussing. I sleep trained him at 3 months (ferber), 6 months (weissbluth, with a hired coach), and then weissbluth again at 12 months. All three failed. He started sleeping 4 hour streches at about 18 months, and by 2 he woke up 1-2 times a night. Everyone told me he would grow out of it, everyone was wrong. At about age 3 he went through a trauma and things got worse. He would wake up screaming his head off for hours. I resorted to sleeping next to him until he was asleep (which took forever). Then he would come into our bed at some point. It took until age 5 when he slept through the night consistently, in his own room. It is still a delicate situation (he is now 7), where I give a long bedtime routine, melatonin, talk about feelings etc. I have two other kids that slept 12 hours literally from 2-3 months old, forever, with no sleep training. I greatly regret sleep training him. I think some kids just have issues and you have to step up to the plate and love them and be patient. The answer is not to abandon them and make more issues with your relationship. How can a kid be his best self when his own mother doesn't answer when he is in pain?
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amother
White


 

Post Thu, Mar 08 2018, 7:42 pm
A lot of people think they are doing the CIO method, but are actually doing it completely wrong. Then they feel guilty and blame it on the method.
There's also the fact that it doesn't work with some kids. Ferber himself says that if it doesn't work after a few days ( I think 5), stop and find another method.
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Zehava




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 08 2018, 8:11 pm
thegiver wrote:
My dd now 4 doesnt sleep securely unless we are closeby and she feels safe. We made her feel abandoned as a baby. Im certain CIO was a mistake with her.

Do u see correlation btwn CIO and not good sleep habits as older kids?

What are alternatives? Reading gina fords contented little baby book ....now for newborn and not thrilled about letting little baby cry for 10-12 minutes!! Eek!
I dont like pacifiers :-/
How do I soothe my baby to sleep without nursing or holding him?

Not at all. I did cio and my kids go to sleep like angels. As young babies I get them used to falling asleep in their own crib through soothing them to sleep in their bed with pacifier and rocking. When they get a little older and smarter I let them cio. When they get even older and even smarter they stop crying and go to sleep nicely. My children are very secure and independent.
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