How do I teach responsibility

amother

Magenta

Fri, Mar 09 2018, 6:52 am

My ds is 13 he doesn't take responsibility of getting up for school on time if I or dh wake him up we literally have to shake him out of his sleep for 20 min. He doesn't hear his alarm clock he doesn't hear his name being called. Then when he's up already he takes his time and doesn't rush. I'm at my wits end.
Consequences for being late don't seem to bother him. I wonder if deep down it does bother.
He gets very distracted he can sit down to read when he has to rush out the door.
Any advice please?!

amother

Navy

Fri, Mar 09 2018, 7:06 am

Good for you that you see that you need to make it happen on his own. There are parents who continue waking & shaking their children until the chuppa.

The only way I know is to buy him an alarm clock and tell him both of you won't be waking him anymore. He will own all the consequences at home and at school. You might have to sit on you hands or restrain yourself and he might take a few weeks to get the message that you mean it.

imasinger

Fri, Mar 09 2018, 7:13 am

- Does he get to sleep on time, and get enough?

- Is he doing OK in school? Does he have any school related anxiety?

- Do you have a written schedule of each step of morning readiness, and when it has to be finished in order to be on time?

- Do you have a positive reward system (verbal or tangible) set up so that he has positive feedback for success?

Signed,
A parent who has been through much of this

amother

Babyblue

Fri, Mar 09 2018, 7:28 am

If he had something fun to go to will he wake up, like a trip to Disney World, etc.
When it comes to other responsabilities, how is he?
With many the issue may be biological and not laziness.

What time is he going to sleep?
Does he do sports?
Reason I ask is that if he's tired out in the early evening he'll go to sleep at an earlier time.

Has he always been like this?
I have a GC 3 Yrs old. If DD lets him, he'll sleep till 11.

I agree with imasinger, especially a reward system.
Also talk to the pediatrician, it may be time for a blood test.

momnaturally

Fri, Mar 09 2018, 7:32 am

Is it coming from not wanting to go to school, a lack of motivation or lack of self responsibility ? It may be a combination.
Does he take responsibility for other things or just not getting up on time ? Only school days or what about Shabbos morning ?

thunderstorm

Fri, Mar 09 2018, 7:43 am

With one of my kids, what worked was that after he missed the bus to school, he had to figure out how to get there himself without us giving him a ride. After he walked two hours to school one day, he made sure to get up to make that bus.
I did notice that as soon as there was lenience again and my DH would drive him here or there he would revert back to sleeping through the alarm.
So being consistent and keeping your foot down is really important.

My other sons school gives the boy a "knas" of $5.00 for each lateness. So I make it clear up front that I don't pay for their knas. If they need to pay one it needs to come from their own money that they had worked hard to earn. The kids who's parents foot the bill each time always come late because they know that "Tatty will pay for it". I have a conversation with my kids that I won't pay, since it's them that needs to suffer the consequence, not the parents . My son is always making sure he is not late because of this. He doesn't want to be hit with a bill.

It is very normal that teenage boys want to sleep in. They need to wake up early and come home very late. And they are growing and are teenagers. But they need to be responsible.

amother

Magenta

Fri, Mar 09 2018, 9:29 am

amother wrote:

Yes definitely he will get up early if he has a trip. He is not the best with other responsibilities he always needs reminders or nagging.
Yes he does have a problem falling asleep because he loves to read and his mind does a lot of thinking. And he finds million distractions until he goes to bed. So it ends up being late bedtime and he does need to be out of the house 6:20.
No he doesn't do sports.
What do you mean by biological?
What is a good reward system that you can suggest?
What type of blood test would I need? What are we testing for?
P. S. He is a very very deep sleeper and he bedwets.

amother

Magenta

Fri, Mar 09 2018, 9:30 am

Bizzydizzymommy wrote:

We live close to his school and he walks.

amother

Magenta

Fri, Mar 09 2018, 9:32 am

amother wrote:

He has an alarm clock that he doesn't hear.
What's a good consequence that I can follow thru?

amother

Magenta

Fri, Mar 09 2018, 9:37 am

imasinger wrote:

- Does he get to sleep on time, and get enough?

- Is he doing OK in school? Does he have any school related anxiety?

He is doing well in school. Could be some anxiety don't know abt. he takes Concerta.

- Do you have a written schedule of each step of morning readiness, and when it has to be finished in order to be on time?

I don't have a written schedule but maybe I should do that.

- Do you have a positive reward system (verbal or tangible) set up so that he has positive feedback for success?

No. What can be a reward system? How long is a feasible amount of time to give an award?
If he doesn't follow thru should I just give encouragement?

Signed,
A parent who has been through much of this

amother

Cobalt

Fri, Mar 09 2018, 9:39 am

It sounds like his problem is not getting enough sleep and therefore unable to wake up in the morning. How can he make himself more able to hear the alarm? I would focus on responsibility in the evening first, with incentives in place for getting to bed at a decent hour. And yes, break down each step of the evening routine and have him figure out how long each step takes. Then have him calculate backwards so he knows what time he needs to start each step. Do the same for the morning routine, but do continue to help him wake up, because he literally can't do anything about that (feel free to take his blanket out of the room the first time you wake him. Leave his bedroom door open. Don't leave the environment conducive to sleep once he needs to get up).

FranticFrummie

Fri, Mar 09 2018, 9:48 am

Your teen sounds really normal. I was that teen - who am I kidding, I'm still that way!

Teenagers need as much sleep as toddlers. Literally. Their brains are growing so fast, not to mention their bodies.

Talk to your doctor about the Concerta. The timing or dose might be off. He might need a shorter acting formula, or to take it at a different time of day.

After a certain time, there should be lights out and no more reading! Reading requires light. Light throws off your body clock and confuses your sleep pattern. Make sure there are no flashlights or smart phones available. He can lie wide awake in the dark, and maybe listen to quiet music, but that's it. Within a week or two it should reset his sleep cycle.

You said he gets home at 6:30. Such a long day! It's hard for a boy with ADHD to sit still for so long. He must be wound up tighter than a spring. If adding a sport is too much for him, at least have him jog around the block a few times, or go ride his bike for a half an hour.

IMHO, all that sitting and learning is unnatural for some kids. There really needs to be physical movement included in his education. Studies show that movement increases learning, so what do you have to lose?

amother

Ivory

Fri, Mar 09 2018, 10:05 am

I'd recommend doing a bloodiest and possibly even a sleep study, something sounds off.
His bedwetting, extremely deep sleeping and difficult waking up. (My nephew had that. He had underactive thyroids. A tiny white pill ebery morning and he's a brand new person!)
Start out with his ped.

Also, it sounds like he has an extra challange to get ready on time once he is up and to keep his responsibilities (adhd)

But that isn't a "get out of jail free" card.
He just needs to work harder than most kids. But he still needs to do all those things.

You can explain to him the benefits of working hard. Get examples of ppl you know who have had extra challanges and gotten very far BECAUSE of it. Not in spite of it.

Does he understand the importance of responsibilities? He's 13, you should be able to have these conversations with him.
He will one day iyh grow up and be a husband and father and worker, then there is less room for error. He needs to figure this out now.

Also, lots of good suggestions in this thread.

amother

Seagreen

Fri, Mar 09 2018, 10:45 am

So if he's taking Concerta, we're dealing with ADHD. So even if waking up late and struggling to get to school on time is VERY normal at this age, since he has ADHD, you have to approach it using strategies that work for ADHD. "Getting him to understand responsibility" will be useless. Just because you get him to understand, doesn't mean he'll be able to do what he knows he needs to do. That's a pretty defining characteristic of ADHD.

Now, first rule out the relatively simple fixes. He may need a medication adjustment because stimulants are known to keep people up at night. He may need a different dose, or maybe It's as simple as he has to take his pill the second he wakes up. If it's more complicated than that, then it's time to start reading up on ADHD strategies for teens.

I'm going to assume he was diagnosed at a young age, but correct me if I'm wrong. Presumably you learned a lot about what to do in various situations when he was first diagnosed. You probably had lots of good professional advice. Maybe you hit a groove that's been working well for the last several years. Well, now that he's a teenager, things need to be reassessed and you need to come up with new strategies. Does he work with any professionals other than the prescribing doctor? If so, reach out to them. If not, ask the doctor for recommendations. And I would get some reading material on ADHD in teens. It will probably give you (and him!) Some new ideas.