S/O Enjoying your kids

amother

Magenta

Thu, Feb 08 2018, 4:58 am

amother wrote:

As an INFP, parenting is exhausting for me. I get tremendously anxious about each parenting decision, worry about everything, and especially freak out when my kids are sick. I find the noise and mess and neediness very overwhelming and consuming. Pregnancy and labor are another source of anxiety, and lack of sleep makes me a mess (but leaving babies to cry makes me anxious too). Also babies/toddlers are just intellectually mind-numbing, though past the age of 3 I find I enjoy my kids more and more each year.

Miriam Adahan says that for an NF, each child feels like 4 or 5, which puts me at 8 or 10 kids already.

If I'd had the choice, I probably wouldn't have had kids. Now that I have 2, I'm ready to stop. I'm comfortable with that from a halachic perspective (we have both genders) but DH desperately wants more and really is incredibly helpful. So I'm very torn now.

This is me! Is there a book by Miriam Adahan that explains this- and is it helpful?

How are you dealing with the fact that your DH wants more? It's hard for me not feel that I am 'depriving' him.

amother

Firebrick

Thu, Mar 15 2018, 9:22 pm

amother wrote:

This is me! Is there a book by Miriam Adahan that explains this- and is it helpful?

How are you dealing with the fact that your DH wants more? It's hard for me not feel that I am 'depriving' him.

Just saw this now. Yes, it's called Appreciating People Including Yourself. I saw she has a newer version out called "Appreciate People!" I found it very validating and she does give a lot of advice for healthier thinking patterns (she calls it "voices of health" if I remember right).

About the second question...I don't know. I think ultimately we will (if Hashem wants, obviously) have more. I don't know how many. Or how soon. My youngest is very close to 4. This month my period was a few days late and for the first time I found myself completely calm about the possibility that it might mean I'm pregnant. Then it did come and I was a bit disappointed.

I do enjoy my kids sooooo much more as they get older. I think knowing that will help me to get through the baby/toddler years maybe another few times.

amother

Beige

Thu, Mar 15 2018, 10:01 pm

I used to babysit a lot as a teenager and I always wanted to have my own kids, but not a large family. Due to SIF and difficult pregnancies I think we're going to stop at the 3 children we have now.

I have a preteen, a toddler, and a newborn and I have to say that some stages are much easier to deal with than others. I love having conversations with my oldest and watching her really blossom and discover herself. I enjoy my toddler's curiosity to a certain degree but I could happily do without the endless whys and the stubbornness. The newborn stage has its pros and cons as well. I'm rather sleep deprived and housebound since I'm nursing around the clock but I love the cuddling and bonding and that the baby can't answer me back. I have no idea how I'm going to react to future stages of raising my children but I'm guessing a lot will depend on their individual personalities.

I didn't feel pressured to have children and I was actually on bc for the first couple of years of marriage due to a medical issue. Wait, I take that back a little. I didn't feel pressured to have children right away but there was a definite assumption that we would have children eventually. I sort of became a SAHM by default rather than by choice when I had to withdraw from graduate school and completely derailed my chosen career path. I now work from home part time and I do enjoy being home with my kids to an extent, but I am also really happy to send them off to school every morning.

The reality of my life is a far cry from what I envisioned as a teenager and young adult but that's not a bad thing. I don't think any child should be held accountable for her declarations as to what she wants for her future or what she will never do. Life happens and dreams evolve. I remember telling my parents that I would die of boredom as a SAHM and look at me now!

Miri7

Fri, Mar 16 2018, 10:15 am

I think that one thing that makes it especially hard is that not only are girls raised to mother as their primary purpose, but they’re also expected to do the lion’s share of the parenting and maintaining a household, and, often, working to financially support it.

I’m not the “type” who could do all that. We have several kids but DH and I share a the parenting and family administrative/ housekeeping burdens. This allows me to enjoy my kids a lot more and to be the kind of mom I want for my kids. I fell apart when we had three kids in rapid succession (3 years) and I was expected to be a superwoman. BH my DH realized that I was crumbling and he stepped up in a major way.

I think we need to show our kids different models of family life so they can see that you can be a great mom without being a superwoman.

amother

Lawngreen

Fri, Mar 16 2018, 11:01 am

amother wrote:

Which would you recommend to buy?

SixOfWands

Fri, Mar 16 2018, 11:12 am

How horribly condescending it is to take a young woman's comments about her own feelings and personality and to dismiss them out of hand.

Maybe as she grows and matures, she will change her mind about that, as she may change her mind about 1000 other things. Or maybe she won't.

But every child is entitled to be a wanted child. Every child is entitled to parents who want her, and who are ready, willing and able to give her the love and time and encouragement that she needs.

No child should be born because some outsider thinks its a good idea, or because its our duty, or because women should have kids. Its not fair to the woman. Its really not fair to the kids.