KOSHER CELLPHONE!!!

technic

Sun, Jun 05 2005, 5:44 pm

The Kosher Cellphone

Having read about the launch of new kosher mobile phone our columnist, investigates the innovation on behalf of our readers.
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Operator: Shalom. Welcome to Mirs - the makers of the new kosher phone. Please press one for an operator. If you are a yeshiva bochur please hang up now and wait for bein-hazmanim. Otherwise an operator will be with you shortly.

AS: Hello. I am calling to enquire about your new frum mobile for frum yiden who want to speak to frum people only. Can you tell me what you have?

Operator: Well, we have a new model that is under two different hechscherim. The Aguda model bars all internet dialling except for Dial-a-Daf and e-Daf. The Satmar hechsher will allow calls except for Dial-a-Daf and e-Daf.

AS: I live in London and I really would prefer a English hechsher. Do you have any?

Operator: Well yes we have one sanctioned by the London Beth Din but the signal is rather weak after Spaniards Inn. Alternatively, we may approach the Federation who maintain that anything the London Beth Din can do they can do better.

AS: What about a Kedassia hechsher?

Operator: Well I am afraid not. If it has a London Beth Din seal of approval we are not allowed, for reasons we do not fully understand, to use a Kedassia one as well.

AS: I see, so perhaps you can tell me a little about the different models on offer?.

Operator: Well we have several models all equipped with our unique optional anti-loshon hora device. If you speak loshon hora a loud bleep interrupts your flow which gets progressively louder until you stop.

We have the walkie-talkie b'lechtecho baderech version and the off-peak b'schochbecho u'vekumecho model and finally we have the one with a built in navigator which is called the al tirgezu badrech model. We even have a phone you can take into the mikva. It's call the Big Dipper and if it is successful we may float the company.

AS: What about e-mail? In the US we have a very popular phone called the Blackberry which allows e-mails.

Operator: No sir I am afraid this phone was found to be infested with little aphids and weevils and has therefore been banned. Having said that, you can be sure that the radiation from our phones kills all flies and thrips as well as frying the users brain's that is unless you are Hungarian when you will have no problem. We named it the Super Duper Bodek model.

AS: How about different phone plans?

Operator: Sure. We have the bein odom l'chavero plan. We have the bein ish l'ishto plan which automatically disconnects as soon as she mentions shopping of any sort, and for regular shul goers the bein gavro l'gavro plan.

AS What happens if the phone rings during a shiur or even worse when you cannot be mafsik.

Operator: Ah sir, this is where the Mirs model really comes into its own. Our voice recognition facility allows you.mmmmmm and ah- ah-and ah and the little chip will recognise what you really mean and will reply clearly to the caller in any language..

AS: Can I ask you why are they not available in the US yet?

Operator: Well to be honest there have been some very basic sha'alos which need to be resolved. For instance, if you use your new kosher phone to order meat do you have to wait six hours before you call Charedi Dairies.

Another problem is that there are some phones being manufactured in India and we are in the process of sending out an expert to see if their stone statues talk to each other on mobiles. If it turns out that they do, chas v'sholom then we have any number of little known American rabbonim standing by ready to certify any possible model as European for a small consideration.