20 year old dd making me crazy!

thunderstorm

Thu, Mar 22 2018, 8:51 pm

amother wrote:

OP, It sounds like your daughter needs a life coach. Or a therapist.
I understand you feel bad for your daughter but I do not see how it won't just cripple her more to give in to her. She is way too old to have her mommy pick up the pieces for her.
Was she always like this? or is this since graduating HS?

I agree . This behavior is disturbing. I was a mother of a child at age twenty. Living in a different city, working, paying rent etc. ... I would have never asked my parents for money or a ride at the age.
And before I married I traveled max an hour to a friends vort. I paid for all my travel expenses and I made my own arrangements for transportation as well. Why is this even a question? She is an adult and if you fix all her problems she will never grow up.
It's nice for parents to assist but they don't have to be the problem solver every time and for sure don't have to change their own schedules because their child lacks maturity.

amother

Pewter

Thu, Mar 22 2018, 10:23 pm

No need to pathologize things here.

She is immature. No argument. But there isn't anything necessarily "wrong" with her.

Let her miss the vort. Let her be upset about it. Then have an adult conversation with her so she begins to get the concept of personal responsibility.

I was also terribly immature at that age. I managed to get married, and mostly figured things out. Maturity comes with age and experience.

You definitely do not have to take ownership of her problem. Sympathize, but stay out of it.

amother

Hotpink

Thu, Mar 22 2018, 10:55 pm

Just read the title and thought, "Is this the mother of the post-sem girl who doesn't work or go to school, just watches YouTube videos??!!"
Now I read the OP, and I'd be shocked if it wasn't.
Please, please get your daughter to therapy!
I can't diagnose depression, anxiety, or other psychological issues from reading lines here and there, but she needs some type of real help. She needs life skills. Responsibility. She's out of lala land of HS and seminary, and in real life. Real life doesn't work this way.
It must be so hard for you to deal with this. Really frustrating and heartbreaking. May Hashem give you lots of Koach and the bravery to reach out to His shlichim, and try to find someone who can help your family.

amother

Turquoise

Thu, Mar 22 2018, 11:00 pm

amother wrote:

Totally agree in general. But if this is the same dd who is stuck since seminary, she probably does need help.

imasinger

Fri, Mar 23 2018, 4:37 am

As a parent who has dealt with issues like this at least a few times, I encourage ellacoe's advice. She's wise about these things.

OP, your DD may not really, deep down, be expecting you to stay home, or solve her problem with cash. She may be venting her frustration that this is not an easy choice to make. Asking what she really expects of you, and having a calm, open conversation where you share your own perspective, is a good way forward.

I often find myself saying things to the effect of, "I see how hard that situation is, that's a pain, I respect your maturity and ability to figure out a solution, let me know how you work it out in the end."

Then, I go and rant in my journal about stupid, irresponsible, entitled kids, and get it out of my system, or else at some point, I will blow up at them.

amother

Silver

Fri, Mar 23 2018, 10:48 am

OP here: I thank you all very much for your replies. I have been reading them all, and really appreciate it!

First, yes I am THAT mom of the 20 year old. After some major heart to hearts with her following the last thread I made, she enrolled in a couple of very practical courses. (I pushed a lot) I found some I thought would be good for her, and she enjoyed them. But, there is a step she needs to take now to keep going with it and she isn't moving.

Second, an update on the current situation. I went with dh, she ended up not going. We offered her a spot in the cargo van, but she didn't want that due to safety. (I hear that, but wanted to offer anyway). The entire morning before we left, she was crying and teary eyed, throwing around things like why can't we get a huge van with seats(not possible due to furniture pickup), why can't we pay for driver (nope. We don't have any extra cash to throw around). She spent the day actively trying to find a ride (I told her earlier in the week she should start calling, but she was lazy about it and didn't want to take the early in the week free ride.)

I do feel bad she missed it, but it was her own doing. In the short term, she messed up by not handling the rides properly. In the greater picture, she ignores me when I say she should even just babysit to earn some money. I'm hoping this will have taught her a lesson and wake her up, but I don't know if it will. I'm just at such a loss with her at this point. I was far more independent even at 17. I worked part time, paid for my own stuff that I REALLY wanted and wasn't in my parents budget. She is only 3 months younger than I was when I met my husband.

Also, a new phase of hers is offering stupid advice to the siblings close in age to her. She managed to convince one of them not to do something fun over the summer. The sibling listened, then changed her mind after realizing that it was bad advice. Now it's too late and she's scrambling to still do it. (I didn't know initially that she had been given bad advice. Now I know what's going on, I have radar up!) I can't stand that now the older one in trying to influence the younger ones to make bad choices. I suppose she's unhappy, so she is trying to bring everyone else down. Oy.

Anyway, it's hard.

imorethanamother

Fri, Mar 23 2018, 12:00 pm

OP, it sounds like you went too far in trying to "fix" her problem for her. Offering her this, being overly involved in the drama. You need to stop trying to make life good for her, and step way back. If she wants to go somewhere, you need to learn how to shrug and say, "Okay. Hope you figure it out."

Also? Cut off the internet. I'm not joking. Change the password on the wifi or whatever it is. If she owns a device that you're paying for, stop. She now has to pay for her own phone herself.

Sitting down with her and having long talks where you plead with her to make something of herself while you fund her whole life is not helping her. Believe me, I know what I'm talking about.

amother

Goldenrod

Fri, Mar 23 2018, 1:37 pm

amother wrote:

I really really hope she isn't dating. To let her get married when she is this immature and irresponsible is just horrific to do to a spouse and she'll destroy her marriage. Please don't let her date until she gets help.

amother

Silver

Fri, Mar 23 2018, 1:46 pm

imorethanamother wrote:

Op here: It is a very tough balance between providing the right amount of guidance and being helpful to an adult child, especially one who would rather just be a kid. She definitely has a maturity issue, but she is also very stubborn. Even today she is walking around all upset over missing the vort, and glaring (Even glaring at the furniture we brought home) I haven't touched the issue at all. I know she is mad at us because we didn't pay for her. Hopefully she is realizing her mistakes, but knowing her, she is probably just angry at us for not paying for her. Oy...

familyfirst

Fri, Mar 23 2018, 2:06 pm

I agree with another blush.
My gut is that your daughter is lacking executive functioning skills and gets easily overwhelmed. It really is very difficult for her to accomplish what is so easily accomplished by others.
First step is for her to want to succeed. Suggest executive functioning skills videos for her to watch. Teach her about to do lists and prioritizing them. Teach her about the concept of time management.

At the end of the day, the decision to mature and gain skills is hers- not yours.

Still think that it's best that she move to a basement with other girls. Surrounded by people her own age who are productive and working may whet her appetite.

My unofficial diagnosis:
Executive functioning skills need to be learned
And a touch a ADD - hard to concentrate and focus

Good luck. No doubt So so difficult to watch.

Please keep us posted with good news