What is your immediate reaction when you see a child/adult

Kiwi13

Sun, Mar 25 2018, 8:41 am

I didn’t read the whole thread but I’ll respond to the OP. Unfortunately in our current social/political climate my first thought is to worry that whatever I say or do or even how I look at them or acknowledge them or NOT look at them or acknowledge them will be perceived as “offensive.” It’s sad but true. I didn’t have these worries before all the intense PC stuff happened and I was more comfortable then and I was just sincere and accepting and never had any problems of “offensiveness,” but I guess lately I’m just too self conscious about knowing the correct non-offensive terminology (which seems to be constantly changing) so I tend to avoid the subject altogether. Not just people with disabilities but also people with s*xuality/gender differences, people dealing with chronic illness or loss or infertility or minority status or any other easily offendable concern (I am NOT comparing all these things in any other way than saying they all require a degree of extra sensitivity) because in today’s world I feel like every word and facial expression is so highly scrutinized.

lavenderchimes

Sun, Mar 25 2018, 1:46 pm

seeker wrote:

Just because I'm honest - my initial reaction is almost always to (silently, of course) wonder about the cause of the difference (if it's not obvious, e.g. Down Syndrome is usually easier to recognize than, say, "I wonder why she needs oxygen.") This is not a judgment or anything, it's just my instinctive reaction because I'm a curious person who has a lot of questions about anything and everything and loves to know a lot of things.

Then my SECOND reaction is usually one of those mentioned above, not always the same one, depends on the individual or the setting or my mood or whatever. Usually something respectful and positive, sometimes pity. Never fear, I'm not a fearful sort, and not disdain - I save disdain for other occasions Wink

(which I usually regret, anyway.)

Me too. My first reaction is always curiosity. After that, it depends on the situation -- I might feel in awe of the mother juggling so much, or impressed by medical advancement, or maybe I don't think about it at all.

amother

Fuchsia

Sun, Mar 25 2018, 1:58 pm

My reaction is to want to say/do/look/not look etc the appropriate thing to make that person feel good and normal as I percieve them to be. But I never know what will be taken offensivley so I get so unsure of myself and uneasy that it probably looks like I'm unconfortable about the persons disability - when in reality I'm uncomfortable with myself and unsure of how to react/not react.

amother

Dodgerblue

Sun, Mar 25 2018, 2:54 pm

I might wonder if something happened to them, or they were born that way. For example, there is a child in my kid's class that has very abnormal skin, and I wonder if she was in a fire, or if there is some other issue. I feel sorry for her that she has to deal with other kids asking her why she looks like that. That said, this kid has very good self esteem, strong opinions, and gets along well with kids and adults alike, so her parents must be doing something very right with raising her. Hopefully she will grow up with a tremendous inner world to shape her character, and the world will see her beauty.

FranticFrummie

Sun, Mar 25 2018, 3:13 pm

This is a good thread to bump up. I know I already answered, but I have more to say.

When I was younger, I was put off by anyone who wasn't considered attractive. As I learned about evolutionary psychology, that initial revuslsion is your primitive brain telling you "this is not a healthy person to breed with, or they might be contagious, so stay far, far away!" I know it's not PC, but really we are programmed to want to mate with the best possible gene donor. Our instant gut reaction to someone who looks different, before we even have a chance to think logically, is hard wired in.

This does not mean to imply that we are doomed to be biased against "others". When I became disabled, I got a lot more educated in all aspects of the disability community, including visible disabilities; the children, parents, and affected adults. I learned to see the good in everyone. A child with a facial difference may have gorgeous eyes or a cute smile. Someone in a wheelchair may have a genius IQ. A person with Down's Syndrome might be the light of everyone's lives.

More Torah learning made me more sensitive to the precious neshamas that every person has, too. Knowing that every single person was made exactly the way Hashem wanted, for Hashem's own reason, taught me not to judge. Who am I to say what someone should look or act like? Who made me get a virus that destroyed my nervous system, and why?

Moshiach should come SOON and in our days, and heal us all. If we don't learn to control our judgements and be nice to others, that day could be a long, long way off.

amother

Aqua

Sun, Mar 25 2018, 4:18 pm

Child: Oh he/she's so cute! What a special child!
Adult: Wow, he/she must have such a special character!

Second reaction: They may have more cognitive ability than it seems at first glance. Stop assuming so much.

Third reaction: Your admiration may be defined as pity and may be inappropriate. Your curiosity is out of place. Just look them in the eye, smile, and move on. If you are meant to have a relationship with them it probably won't start here.

heidi

Mon, Mar 26 2018, 11:45 am

amother wrote:

Refreshing the topic.
So all the nice people replied on this thread. I want to hear from all the staring people and from all the staring people who teach their kids to stare.

ok, I know I just made a judgmental statement, but this is how it comes across.

I don't stare. I certainly would be careful to make sure my children don't stare. But you asked for the truth.
My immediate reaction is sorrow. Sorrow for a child that has been sentenced to a difficult life. Sorrow for all the things the child can't do. Sorrow that they probably won't experience many of the joys life has to offer.
I usually feel anger at the parents who if they knew about this before birth chose to continue the pregnancy.
These thoughts are not shared with anyone in real life. But you asked.

zaq

Fri, May 05 2023, 4:38 pm

I feel bad for them, as I feel bad for anyone having a hard time for any reason. I don't assume they have special souls and I'll bet you anything they don't want to hear any pious drivel about how they have special souls. The people I know with various "challenges" just want to be treated like regular people, neither rejected nor idolized.

NechaMom

Fri, May 05 2023, 4:44 pm

zaq wrote:

I agree with you.
Just curious why you bumped a 5 year old thread?
I thought it’s our lovely immediate reaction to thread title thread.

keeptrying

Fri, May 05 2023, 5:07 pm

heidi wrote:

Why do you think this?
Just genuinely curious.
A person who is severely disabled is allowing other people to get Zchar for taking care of he/she. That’s not a wasted life at all. It is a huge honor.
Many rabbonim don’t allow you to terminate for most cases. And even when they allow, most times they don’t encourage. Abortion is horrific and inhumane from a medical perspective. I watched several videos of it being done, and it is heartreading to see the abortionist pulling limb after limb out. Many times if you study the ultrasound carefully, you will see the babies one leg left kicking for a few seconds before it’s pulled out next. It is sick.
There have been cases were babies in utero were diagnosed with sever anomalies that were less sever/non existent by birth. Many women hold onto this hope.

zaq

Mon, May 22 2023, 9:19 am

[quote="Zehava]With the exception of when I see people dressed secular but speaking fluent yiddish. That gets me wondering.[/quote]

Not to hijack the thread, but there are many secular Yiddishists. Check out the Yiddish Book Center in Amherst and read Aaron Lansky's Outwitting History, about how he rescued thousands of Yiddish books and founded the Center. His interest was and is entirely secular, and so are most of the Center's supporters and users. So is YIVO, "an organization that preserves, studies, and teaches the cultural history of Jewish life throughout Eastern Europe, Germany, and Russia as well as orthography, lexicography, and other studies related to Yiddish." (Wikipedia.)

Also there are many OTD former Chasidim who speak Yiddish when they don't want the people around them to understand, just as people who speak other languages do. And of course there are still some people around whose first language was Yiddish because they were born into Yiddish-speaking, but not necessarily observant, families.

Speaking Yiddish is a way for left-wing, secular, non-Zionist people who identify as culturally/ethnically Jewish to express their connection. Hence the popularity, also, of klezmer music in those circles.

Genius

Mon, May 22 2023, 10:07 am

Kiwi13 wrote:

I relate to this so much! I am sadly very comfortable around disabilities. Been around the block a time or two. But I’m always worried that the other person thinks I’m staring or whatever. I can never react correctly enough…

Genius

Mon, May 22 2023, 10:09 am

heidi wrote:

If someone is severely disabled in an accident should they also have been killed?
This is a 2018 post. You’re still around Heidi?