Setting reasonable boundaries

amother

Blush

Tue, Mar 27 2018, 1:40 am

I'm new to this whole teenage thing. So we are modox, school is officially Modox but mainly non observant kids (it's all that is available here). 13 yo wants to get "Fortnite" which is a violent computer game. We are of course saying no. I'm trying to do it nicely- I can see that it's frustrating for you, I remember how frustrating it was for me not to be allowed to watch Poltergeist at a similar age. How I played Doom in my late 20s and yes it doesn't mean you are going to kill people but- you're still young, your brain is still developing, this is bad for you etc etc.

So - kid is angry, threatening to leave home, refusing to do hw unless we get this game etc.

My question - when is it better to (pun intended) stick to your guns and say No, and when is it better to not make such a big deal because you are simply creating forbidden fruit and making it worse?

FranticFrummie

Tue, Mar 27 2018, 3:04 am

grace413 wrote:

Do not give in to threats. This will set a very dangerous pattern for the coming years.

Parenting teenagers is a tough job.

Hatzlacha.

THIS. Once the emotional blackmail starts, it never ends.

Does your child play Minecraft? I let DD play, and it was one of the best things I could have done for her. Math, spatial skills, fine motor coordination, cooperative play, and problem solving - and she wasn't even aware it was teaching her anything. Wink

amother

Powderblue

Tue, Mar 27 2018, 5:25 am

"Honey, it's not my intention to be cruel, my intention is to protect you from harmful influences. Do you trust that my intention is to protect you, not hurt you?"

Another option: "Honey, I would not play this game because of its violent content. My recommendation is for you to find another game to play. That said, you are free to choose whether to play this game or another one."

I have found that making things permissible removes the desperation and charge from it. When dd wanted a belly piercing, I knew if I'd say a determined "No!" she would want it all the more . So I said, "Sure! Will it be painful?" Eventually she reconsidered, but not with any pressure on my end. With teens I find it's useful to de-escalate gently. Any intensity on our part, triggers their underdeveloped selves to escalate.

simcha2

Tue, Mar 27 2018, 5:36 am

This is not in response to the parenting issue but to the Fortnite issue.
I believe that Fortnite is the most downloaded game currently so it may be having a real social impact on your son if he is the only one in his class without it.
I looked it up on commonsensemedia.org and you may want to read what it says. They actually have good things to say about it.

Again, this is not what I think you should do from a parenting perspective (though in general I think that showing kids you'll listen to them and change you mind if it makes sense, is important), but just more info on the game itself.

amother

Blush

Tue, Mar 27 2018, 6:08 am

Thanks for the replies. I totally agree not to give in to manipulation. And the thing is I know that they are all playing it. I let him show me a trailer or video about it to try to convince me and it just made me more determined to say no. Until that point I was saying that knew I was important to him and I would consider it. Apparently 100 people play together and they all have to shoot each other and the last man standing wins. I just don't know what to do about the social isolation aspect. If it were a "parev timewaster" I would have been inclined to say yes just because I don't want him to feel socially isolated. But this to me on a teenage mind who sometimes gets very angry is just terrible. This kid is very influenced by his peers and wants to fit in. It's probably too late for this now but I'm wondering if I should have simply said yes and then hoped that it would be just a fad for a while and then get boring.

My other kids play Minecraft, he is not interested. I'm not even sure he would be interested in this game except for the social aspect, which is what makes it all so complicated.

amother

Red

Tue, Mar 27 2018, 7:18 am

I don’t have any advice for you regarding setting boundaries since I am just navigating 13 YOs myself
My I do want to commend you on being an involved parent and sticking to your guns(pun not intended)
I really don’t understand how parents are ok with fortnight. My kids were playing it and what I would hear is them discussing the number of kills they get. Who killed who
What ammo is better for what etc.
I was going to start a thread in here to ask what other parents thought but
I just blocked it because I couldn’t deal with it any longer
I know that this game is taking the world by storm. But I am totally shocked and confused why any parent would write the reviews that they did on common sense media.

So here’s some support that you are doing the right thing and don’t give in to threats and emotions.

Ps my son is in a Yeshiva days school elementary and I know his older friends in Yeshiva highschoools are playing too. So don’t feel that this is an MO issue at all

Good luck and may we all see our teens grow into happy healthy adults

thunderstorm

Tue, Mar 27 2018, 7:27 am

OP, I think such issues come up with teens a lot. For example my 16 yr old expected to get his permit the day he turned 16 because in his school al 16 yr olds drive. We don't feel he is ready for that. I personally don't think it's safe. I explained to him that I love him and I want to make sure that he could be fully responsible before he takes on something like this.
He started ranting how he is the only one that is not allowed, that he needs to rely on us and can't come and go when he pleases. He accused me of "abandoning" him because I don't let him drive etc. and he sometimes has to wait for us to pick him up .
My DH told him that he will need to prove to us that he could be trusted with this responsibility. When Purim came my boys go collecting in groups. I made it very clear that they should not drink alcohol , that it's dangerous and illegal at their age etc. Well, he came home drunk. I used that opportunity after he sobered up to explain to him that this is one example where he showed he is not yet mature enough not to bow to peer pressure and to be responsible. Now I will have to think about the driving issue even more now. Because that was what I was concerned about to begin with. He was furious. He lashed out and went on a teenage rant. He will always mention the fact that he didn't do what he needs to do because he doesn't have his own car. He constantly tries to guilt trip us. But we are standing our ground and he actually respects it. At least I know it's just a passing phase and that this behavior is part of turning into an adult. But it's hard on the parents and hard on the kid. I think it's important to stick to your guns when you really really don't want your child doing something. But also to allow flexibility in other places so that they don't feel pressure from their parents all the time. It's like walking a tightrope. Good luck on whatever decision you make.