What am I doing wrong (pls help)

solo

Sun, Apr 08 2018, 11:29 am

My kids, 7 5 3 (and a 1.5 yr old) don’t listen.
My 7 yr old (who is very high functioning autistic) is a really good kid who tries hard to do the right thing, and mostly does what I ask him too. But completely disregards house rules. He goes where he wants, takes what he wants and works at his own pace
My 5 yr old has bursts of good will, where she wants to be super helpful and will zip around the house helping tidying and kissing anyone in her path. She also has moments where she looks to make trouble, offend her siblings, and upset me.
My 3 yr old does whatever he wants. Literally. He Sulks or tantrums when “it’s time for” anything. He has a concept of ownership. And also a complete disregard for other people’s things. He takes breaks or ruins whatever he fancies.
My kids will literally ignore a direct request or order from me. On yt my 3 kid, and 2 nephews played with duplo in my mils otherwise neat and almost empty living room. I asked them all to put it away. My nephews began to clean up. My kids didn’t. I picked up the container and asked them each individually to help. I picked up some pieces myself n offered encouragement to my kids and thanks to my nephews. My 7 yr old spun around on a chair and insisted he was cleaning even after I pointed out that he wasn’t (I’m looking for pieces) my 5 yr old grabbed a handful and tossed them to the far side of the room. My 3 yr old said he’s too tired n sat on the floor.
I have tried charts. Which work well for my 7yr old- but with no carry over. It hasn’t worked for my 5&3 yr old.
I have tried incentives - like rewarding with prizes or chocolate the first to come to the dinner table, the ones who remember to clear their plates, someone who is kind to a sibling...
I have also filled jars with pennies for positive behavior and a trip to the dollar store at the end.
None of it works.
I am constantly walking into messes, cleaning broken things, and refereeing he did she did arguments.
It is exhausting.
I don’t want or expect my kids to be angels. What I want is cooperation and occasional consideration. Is that a thing with kids? Help

FranticFrummie

Sun, Apr 08 2018, 1:55 pm

Time to sign up for one of the popular "Parenting Mastery" courses that are offered on here from time to time.

Dina Freedman (? I think that's her name) seems extremely popular. She's not cheap, but a lot of people swear by her, especially when they have a lot of kids close together.

Regarding the toys, your 5yo may have been overwhelmed by the activity in the house and was acting out, and the 3yo sounds like a perfectly normal kid. The "terrible twos" have nothing on the "threatening threes". (Just wait until you hit the "fearsom fours"!)

If nothing else, just keep repeating "This too shall pass".

Iymnok

Sun, Apr 08 2018, 2:58 pm

I find that direct orders don’t work well. If you make it more fun, then you get more cooperation.
My son will only go to his room at bedtime wheelbarrow race style.
Break it up. "Everyone put away the red pieces! No blues, only reds!" (You will have all the blues in the bucket)
Break it up even more. "Put the big reds in the bucket!" "Everyone put five duplo in the box!"
Bribery. "Those in pajamas before 6:30 get to play a game with mommy!"

imasinger

Sun, Apr 08 2018, 3:00 pm

I agree with the others.

It's easy to feel overwhelmed, frustrated, humiliated, and like a failure when all your kids refuse to cooperate.

But it's not the whole picture.

Somehow or another, you must have developed some working routines.

The question is how to build on the successes, and not overexaggerate the failures, for your sake as well as theirs.

Parenting classes are a great idea. In the meantime, you might try reading "The Nurtured Heart Approach", and giving it a shot.

animeme

Sun, Apr 08 2018, 5:35 pm

I do recommend parenting classes.

That being said, I think it's important to recognize that dynamics in the home can be greatly affected by having an oldest with HFA. Younger kids learn from how the older ones behave. If he were different enough that it was clear that he couldn't help at all, that would be one thing. But he isn't, and the younger ones may be copying him. As a parent, you may have also had your parentng techniques affected by trying to parent ypur oldest wth techniques that aren't working (my HFA kid also has the sameissue with charts.)

So you may need to start from scratch and reevaluate. Which is why a class is good.

gibberish

Sun, Apr 08 2018, 5:52 pm

I find that my kids get too overwhelmed when I tell them to clean up (or get dressed/undressed/use the bathroom etc). My oldest has HFA as well. Instead, I try to break it down into more manageable and very small, specific tasks. I'll tell them "please pick up three red blocks from under the couch." Once that's done, I'll give them another small job. And depending on how much there is to do, I won't always expect them to be capable of doing it all. Sometimes I'll also set a timer and see if they can complete the task before the timer goes off (like 30 seconds for the 3 blocks).
And don't compare your kids to others; no good will come out of it.