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"But WHY don't you want me to go to her house?"
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Apr 16 2018, 11:12 am
cheeseaddict wrote:
A 7 year old is old enough to know to avoid saying something if will be hurtful.
That can be part of the conversation - that you don't need to defend your decision to follow your gut, but you do need to be mindful of other people's feelings.
You can tell her to answer anything from - "My mommy said she just prefers when friends come over to my house" to "Because" to "I don't know", and tell her to just repeat it if pushed. You can ask her what she feels most comfortable saying.

This is just my opinion, though.
Don't do it if your gut tells you it's not the right thing Wink


I have a bridge to sell you.

I also do not think it's very good chinuch to tell your child that you won't let them play at someone else's house because of some instinct of yours.

Much better to tell your child that, as a general rule, I need to know the people whose homes you are visiting, and can say no if for whatever reason the atmosphere/hashkafa/etc.. is not what we want to send you to. To a young child, it is better to say nothing or your risk them repeating it. And if they question Tova, Esther, and Sarah, you can just say oh, you got to know their parent thru so-and-so, or your relative knows them, or something like that.

When DD was in 7th grade, we were invited to a family Shabbos Simcha sans kids, and DD wanted to go to a certain friend whose family was new to town. I made a few phone calls and found a common friend who knew them very well, and made me feel very comfortable sending her there (I subsequently got to know them, and am thrilled to count a really special woman as a friend.) But without that connection, no way Jose was my child going for Shabbos to someone I didn't know. And for a younger child, just spending an afternoon at a friend would require the same.
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cheeseaddict




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Apr 16 2018, 11:16 am
Okay.
I defer to you ladies' better judgement.
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Stars




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Apr 16 2018, 11:18 am
cheeseaddict wrote:
A 7 year old is old enough to know to avoid saying something if will be hurtful.
That can be part of the conversation - that you don't need to defend your decision to follow your gut, but you do need to be mindful of other people's feelings.
You can tell her to answer anything from - "My mommy said she just prefers when friends come over to my house" to "Because" to "I don't know", and tell her to just repeat it if pushed. You can ask her what she feels most comfortable saying.

This is just my opinion, though.
Don't do it if your gut tells you it's not the right thing Wink


Who was the last seven year old you spoke to? It must have been an exceptionally mature kid, because typical 7 (and 8, 9,10) year olds, do repeat what their parents say and do not yet have the social sense to figure out what's OK to repeat and what isn't.
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Apr 16 2018, 11:20 am
Stars wrote:
Who was the last seven year old you spoke to? It must have been an exceptionally mature kid, because typical 7 (and 8, 9,10) year olds, do repeat what their parents say and do not yet have the social sense to figure out what's OK to repeat and what isn't.


I've even found that often, if you specifically tell a child in that age range not to repeat something, that's a pretty good recipe for backfiring...they will then feel the need to share that, specifically.
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Stars




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Apr 16 2018, 11:21 am
Chayalle wrote:
I've even found that often, if you specifically tell a child in that age range not to repeat something, that's a pretty good recipe for backfiring...they will then feel the need to share that, specifically.


Yes, exactly that.
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amother
Copper


 

Post Mon, Apr 16 2018, 12:50 pm
Agree with the above posters.

Just want to add, on the other hand, if you have a *specific* concern re the girl's behavior, I think it's fine to discuss with dd.

"Sara'la, when you told me that Mindy said she doesn't want to play with you because she likes Rivka better, did you think that was a nice thing for her to say? Do you think that's acting like a friend?"
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marina




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Apr 16 2018, 1:12 pm
OP, it kind of sounds like you don't want your daughter to play at her house because the kid is a little weird.

On behalf of all the people who were weird as kids, I'm just letting you know that this is unkind and not a good example for your daughter. The reason that you're having trouble explaining this decision to your child is because it is wrong.
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mommyla




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Apr 16 2018, 1:23 pm
marina wrote:
OP, it kind of sounds like you don't want your daughter to play at her house because the kid is a little weird.

On behalf of all the people who were weird as kids, I'm just letting you know that this is unkind and not a good example for your daughter. The reason that you're having trouble explaining this decision to your child is because it is wrong.


Actually, sounds more like the mother is a little weird. As someone who wasn't allowed to play at someone else's house when I was little, I can now recognize that my mother's gut feeling was right - the family was (more than) a little weird, and not just in a "harmless oddball" way.

Nothing wrong with checking out the family or doing whatever you need to do to feel more comfortable with them. I had some friends who were weird kids too (heck, I was somewhat of a weird kid myself) and was allowed to play at their houses.
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marina




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Apr 16 2018, 1:38 pm
mommyla wrote:
Actually, sounds more like the mother is a little weird. As someone who wasn't allowed to play at someone else's house when I was little, I can now recognize that my mother's gut feeling was right - the family was (more than) a little weird, and not just in a "harmless oddball" way.

Nothing wrong with checking out the family or doing whatever you need to do to feel more comfortable with them. I had some friends who were weird kids too (heck, I was somewhat of a weird kid myself) and was allowed to play at their houses.


yeah, but then the OP says that she's not interested in getting to know the family at all.

Quote:
I'm not interested in questioning my gut feeling on this or trying to get to know the family better or anything.


So it just sounds like she's not going to let her kid play there because something is strange about the kid or her family. And that's too vague to be an acceptable reason.

If the mother thinks there's abuse or molestation or whatever, then obviously you exercise good judgment. But this could be the mom dresses like a nerd or is poor or harried or some other feature that places her outside of the "cool moms" club. lol. This is just reminding me of my childhood. As a child of immigrants, maybe this is why no one played at my house. Because my mom was (and is) weird.

Whatever OP-feel free to ignore, but this is what it looks like from the other side. It looks unkind and even snobby.
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mommyla




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Apr 16 2018, 2:08 pm
marina wrote:
So it just sounds like she's not going to let her kid play there because something is strange about the kid or her family. And that's too vague to be an acceptable reason.

If the mother thinks there's abuse or molestation or whatever, then obviously you exercise good judgment. But this could be the mom dresses like a nerd or is poor or harried or some other feature that places her outside of the "cool moms" club. lol. This is just reminding me of my childhood. As a child of immigrants, maybe this is why no one played at my house. Because my mom was (and is) weird.

Whatever OP-feel free to ignore, but this is what it looks like from the other side. It looks unkind and even snobby.


That's true. I missed that.
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amother
Brunette


 

Post Mon, Apr 16 2018, 4:57 pm
marina wrote:
So it just sounds like she's not going to let her kid play there because something is strange about the kid or her family. And that's too vague to be an acceptable reason.

If the mother thinks there's abuse or molestation or whatever, then obviously you exercise good judgment. But this could be the mom dresses like a nerd or is poor or harried or some other feature that places her outside of the "cool moms" club. lol. This is just reminding me of my childhood. As a child of immigrants, maybe this is why no one played at my house. Because my mom was (and is) weird.

Whatever OP-feel free to ignore, but this is what it looks like from the other side. It looks unkind and even snobby.

Yes, I'm aware that it doesn't sound good, which is why I don't want to explain when it comes to the kids... but when I say I'm not interested, I mean that I feel that I should go with my gut feeling on this. When it comes to my children's well-being, I don't need to look for excuses for anyone else.

Also, I didn't say that the family is just "different" - I said there's something about them that I find off-putting though I can't explain it in a word or two. I just feel that there's something unreliable about their social/functional skills, from the way I've seen both the mother and the daughter. So I'm not going to snob them out because of it, and the kid can come here, and I'll sit with the mother at school functions and whatever, but I'm not going to trust them with my little girl if I'm not confident about their ability to act appropriately. Sorry-notsorry.
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amother
Brunette


 

Post Mon, Apr 16 2018, 5:01 pm
Anyway I want to thank everyone who responded with suggestions, I think they are in line with what I was thinking but I needed that help to put it into words. Now I feel more prepared for the next time DD asks.
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amother
Seagreen


 

Post Mon, Apr 16 2018, 9:09 pm
amother wrote:
I think you should call her teacher and discuss with her what the family and mom are all about.


I think you should never ever call a teacher about another child.

I think you should never ever call a principal about another child.

They will not develop empathy for this poor child of an "off" mother.

They may END UP TREATING THE CHILD SECOND CLASS with the child having no GOEL HADAM.

YOU may be indirectly spilling someones blood.

IF PRINCIPALS AND TEACHERS would be baal midos and have respect for every yiddishe

neshama there would less off the derech.
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amother
Orchid


 

Post Mon, Apr 16 2018, 9:16 pm
amother wrote:
I think you should never ever call a teacher about another child.

I think you should never ever call a principal about another child.

They will not develop empathy for this poor child of an "off" mother.

They may END UP TREATING THE CHILD SECOND CLASS with the child having no GOEL HADAM.

YOU may be indirectly spilling someones blood.

IF PRINCIPALS AND TEACHERS would be baal midos and have respect for every yiddishe

neshama there would less off the derech.

There are some instances when a parent should call a principal or teacher. When my 6 year old paired up with a girl that was suggesting to do very dangerous things, you bet I called.never say never.
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