Help me understand my child please

amother

Seagreen

Wed, Apr 18 2018, 5:03 pm

I was very shy when I was little. I am still very, very introverted as an adult. But, I can't say for sure that you daughter's behavior is in the realm of normal shyness (it's beyond what I had), I would have her evaluated for social anxiety with a child psychologist.

In terms of handling her shyness, NEVER make her or force her to be social or in a social situation she is resistant too. My mother, who is very extroverted, pushed and pushed and it just made my shyness worse. Even as an adult, it's still a point of contention between us. Also, don't force her to be social with family - I was forced to be social with my grandmother, and I still don't have a great relationship with her to this day because all my experiences with her were full of anxiety and insecurity, since I was forced to be with her while full of those feelings instead of in my own time and those feelings are now more permanently associated with her. Aside from not forcing, don't make playdates for her without consulting her or take her into any unneccessary social situations without consulting her. Obviously, some social situations are necessary, and that's ok. But beyond the minimum, allow her to not be social.

In order to help her though, I recommend having social situations on her 'turf', since it's in her comfort zone. So instead of making playdates at other people's houses, have playdates at your house. And just one friend at a time. If they just please near each other, so be it - as long as she wants it and agrees to it, it can improve. I find that starting with a snack sometimes helps, as they can sit and eat something yummy together as a shared experience before play. For other visitors, especially for visiting relatives, it's good to have a no-visitor zone in a safe space (like her bedroom) so she can retreat to recharge and come out as needed. To help foster interaction with people who come over, whether her friends, your friends, or relatives, that she should be interacting with, before they come over, sit with her and prepare ideas together of things she can talk about or what kinds of questions she might be asked and what answers are good to say, and plan activities to do with the other person (even better, take out the activities in advance as a cue for her). Activities are even better than planned conversation, as they often allow conversation to be skipped (it was always easier for me to play a game with my grandmother than to talk with her), so if she doesn't want to plan / discuss conversation, just work on planned activities.

I do have friends, and even with my shyness, I had a few friends at that age and I would interact and talk and play with them amazingly (just not with anyone else). The key is consistency - as soon as there were sparks of good interaction with certain kids, my mother would plan more playdates with those kids if I wanted ,and the more I played with them, the more I was social with them. So please don't push it, but do follow your daughter's pace - friendships take time for young children, and that's ok. She will take her time getting to know people and allow for the time needed for that process to happen. The better she gets to know people at her own pace and the more positive interactions she has, the more it will improve her socail skills. Whether or not it will improve her shyness is hard to say. If it's social anxiety, it will need more than just time. Also, if she's introverted, it won't change that. the key is to make sure she develops the social skills needed for when she does want interaction, but you can't force them to develop by making her be social, so let it takes it's time. But please do have her evaluated for social anxiety just in case - the sooner it's dealt with, the better, and if it's nothing, at least you can rule that out.

(As an aside, my daughter is super extroverted and I have no idea what to do with it! She wants to go out and be social all the time and she even chats with random strangers and I just want to sit on my couch alone with a book. My extroverted mother thinks it's hilarious and my grandmother loves that my daughter wants to spend lots of time with her. I just leave them all together and hide on my couch LOL

)