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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Our Challenging Children (gifted, ADHD, sensitive, defiant)
Make me less scared of autism
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mha3484




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Apr 19 2018, 11:59 am
I have a 7 year old with a pretty severe case of ADHD and he has some of the same issues you describe. We were also concerned it was high functioning autism. I think its a matter of impuslivity and having a million thoughts in his head at once.
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amother
Turquoise


 

Post Thu, Apr 19 2018, 2:53 pm
My son just turned 4 and displays a lot of what you wrote. We have an eval scheduled for next month with a child developmentalist. But he was evaluated already through the board of ed and is receiving services through our local public school. I was told a lot of processing issues, but they don't give a diagnosis. Its tough, I know. Even though I know there are issues, I am still so anxious about that appointment. But I tell myself, he is still the child I love and children do mature over time. There is a lot of hope.
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seeker




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Apr 19 2018, 3:00 pm
mha3484 wrote:
I have a 7 year old with a pretty severe case of ADHD and he has some of the same issues you describe. We were also concerned it was high functioning autism. I think its a matter of impuslivity and having a million thoughts in his head at once.

With the expansion of the ASD spectrum, the difference between "ASD" and "ADHD" grows ever blurrier. Some people get both diagnoses.
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amother
Orchid


 

Post Thu, Apr 19 2018, 3:14 pm
Well. I hope this comforts you. My child was NOT diagnosed. And after 20 he/she snapped. So better search for answers and build your childs life properly.
Advice. My medical director at
work says that on developmental or psychiatry ALWAYS get a second opinion so after 1st diagnose get a second.opinion but only from a top provider.
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amother
Silver


 

Post Thu, Apr 19 2018, 4:27 pm
Thank you for all of your replies, and seeker you are 100% right. I didn't start this thread to try to diagnose my child, I have doctors and therapists working diligently on that. I started this thread to get some perspective and calm my fears because to me, right or wrong, the word "autism" still feels like a terrifying mystery and I envision a child who I will understand less and less as he grows older. Logically that may not be true but right now that's the fear I'm trying to put at bay and I want to hear from mothers of kids on the spectrum that their children made improvements and that the therapies work. We're in the middle of sorting our services following his evaluation, they are getting back to me about what specifically he qualifies for, and the pediatrician is very involved as well. I didn't come here to debate anything and I guess out of defensiveness I got sucked into trying to "prove" that my child has significant delays/challenges. He does. He is a happy child, but he struggles. He doesn't function age-appropriately socially or cognitively (even though he is VERY bright) and there are significant safety concerns that should not typically be such a worry for kids his age. He exhibits the same warning signs/problems/whatever you want to call it regardless of setting. Home, school, friends' homes, shul, doesn't matter. My goal like I said is to help him get on track now so that he doesn't veer further off course by the time he is 5 or 15 or older. I do believe he is heading down a path that will disrupt his life. The truth is that there ARE expectations in life, including in schools and preschool and pretending that this isn't true doesn't do anyone any favors. Rules start small and get bigger and more complicated, and that's how it should be, not that you just dump a kid into kindergarten who hasn't ever been in any kind of structured setting. He is in a toddler program now and unable to follow the few "rules" he is given. In 5 months he will be in preschool and I worry very much that his problems will affect him in bigger ways once he gets to that point. That it, really. I'm getting my head around the idea that whatever the word is that will describe his issues won't actually change his issues. That's the biggest thing I got from this thread and I thank you for helping me get to that realization. Thank you.
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seeker




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Apr 19 2018, 5:18 pm
OP, you're doing the right thing - acknowledging your child's issues (wherever they come from) and getting him as much help as you can, while trying to stay positive. It's great that you're addressing these issues at such a young age. I think you can be very hopeful while at the same time looking realistically one day at a time. I can also assure you that no matter what his challenges are, and they could very well test you to your limit, you will still enjoy many fun and proud parenting moments with him.

One thing that I didn't notice mentioned that you really need to know - it is NOT TRUE that autism means a person is incapable of love and relationships. They may not do it the same way, but now that there are people with autism who have grown up articulate, they've shared very clearly what many already knew or suspected - just because they don't know how to express them doesn't mean they don't have feelings.
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amother
Blonde


 

Post Thu, Apr 19 2018, 5:30 pm
OP one area you might want to look into is biomedical treatment for autism. More and more research keeps coming out pointing to the fact that the behaviors we call autistic are really symptoms of medical conditions affecting the brain. There are hundreds of moms out there treating their autistic children for the underlying medical issues, and many, many children who have lost their autistic diagnoses or are vastly improved thanks to it. Therapies are great, but limited in their scope and ability to genuinely "fix" the issues if the root causes of the issues are not properly addressed. Some resources if you're interested: TACA website, Fight Autism and Win book, facebook page and website, Nemechek protocol, Andy Cutler Chelation, Recovering Kids website and facebook page, Dr. Kenneth Bock's book https://www.amazon.com/Healing.....bock. A functional medical doctor can help you on this journey. Good luck!

#autismismedical
#autismistreatable
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amother
Silver


 

Post Thu, Apr 19 2018, 5:35 pm
seeker wrote:
OP, you're doing the right thing - acknowledging your child's issues (wherever they come from) and getting him as much help as you can, while trying to stay positive. It's great that you're addressing these issues at such a young age. I think you can be very hopeful while at the same time looking realistically one day at a time. I can also assure you that no matter what his challenges are, and they could very well test you to your limit, you will still enjoy many fun and proud parenting moments with him.

One thing that I didn't notice mentioned that you really need to know - it is NOT TRUE that autism means a person is incapable of love and relationships. They may not do it the same way, but now that there are people with autism who have grown up articulate, they've shared very clearly what many already knew or suspected - just because they don't know how to express them doesn't mean they don't have feelings.


THANK YOU. Yes, this is a very big fear of mine. Not being very familiar with autism I don’t know what it means that they do these things differently and I do worry about his ability to relate to people. Even in the evaluation when he was told to give me a hug at the end he came running to me with a smile on his face and then stopped just out of reach and stretched out one hand to touch my hand. I surprise he did that much. Usually he will smile, come running, and then run PAST me, no touch. He doesn’t express emotion verbally at all. He will say I love you if he is asked to say it. That’s about it. Thanks for making this point.
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Mama Bear




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Apr 19 2018, 5:39 pm
Hi. Your son might have a processing disorder, it might be a speech thing -- did you check his hearing? or he might just be a slow learner. My oldest son was behaving similar to how you describe him, and there were some fears that he might be on the spectrum - but bh at the end of the day he isn't. He probably has ADHD and anxiety (neither are diagnosed but he has all the signs) -- and it took A LOOOTTT of work and therapy to get him to where he is today, but it was not autism. My middle son has low functioning autism and his symptoms were way worse than what you're describing (he regressed). Kids with HFA can do very well. It's harder, and it can be frustrating, and it's a long road, but based on the fact that he's verbal at all and following directions, with the right help I think he can do well BE"zH. Good luck! (HUGS) -- allow yourself to grieve the loss of your dream of having an easy path. Take care of yourself.
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Bluesky 1




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Apr 19 2018, 5:50 pm
op one piece of advice I can give you because im not a professional but just mother to mother is. ALWAYS REMEMBER YOUR CHILDS STRENGTHS AND MAKE SURE TO HAVE FUN TOGETHER becasue challenging children bring out a lot of stress and we sometimes focus on the negative or we think "oh he has this problem and that problem" and were trying to help. that comes out negative at times. because we get frustrated.

the point here im making is in your journey to understand your child is to focus on his strengths no matter how dysfunctional he may be in other areas. always make time to enjoy yourselves together. and it doesnt have to be dramatic. if it means to go for a walk or just playing together or just smiling to him. or just being present and mentally being with your child in a relaxed state. its not quantity but quality. hug him even though he pushes you or doesnt want it. show him its good. no matter if he doesnt want it. its good for a child to feel loved.

hatzlacha on your journey. give yourself a lot of credit for all the effort you do and continue to do.
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Mama Bear




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Apr 19 2018, 5:54 pm
creditcards wrote:
Well, guess what? I'm keeping my bubble. For me that's a good enough indicator. It's not my only one but it's a big one.


There's 2 types of autism - classic and regressive. A child who smiles as a baby will probably not have classic autism (but he may still have hfa -- social skills are much more nuanced than just smiling ) -- but regressive autism is what Zehava witnessed, and I experienced, firsthand (not the same child.) My son regressed at a much younger age - 20 months - but he was an extremely smiley and friendly baby. Regressive autism does not discriminate.
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Mama Bear




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Apr 19 2018, 6:07 pm
OP I just read the last post you wrote on this thread. Your son sounds VERY MUCH like my oldest. He had no regard for other people and their safety. He literally couldnt relate to other human beings - he did his own thing. Consquences meant nothing to him. He was highly sensory-seeking, so body-slamming people was normal for him. etc. I would dread him coming home from cheder bc I knew that the whole family was going to suffer from his tantrums, demands, and getting hyper-focused on stuff. But I want you to know that he's a delightful child most of the time, and while he does have trouble socially, has trouble regulating his emotions at times, needs to be occupied at ALL TIMES, has anxiety/meltdowns, and does not stop picking fights with his little brother -- he is a regular, normal schoolboy who is KE"H brilliant, at the top of his class, and just a delight. His bar mitzvah is coming up and I'm amazed at the road we've traveled and where we've bh arrived. A lot of things straighten themselves out over time, and a lot of things respond well to therapy. My son had OT, ST, and SEIT til age 5, and continued with OT and ST for a while. When he graduated from taht, he started going to talk / play therapy once a week to work on his anger issues / impulsivity. I never put him on ADHD meds. We still have a road to travel but BH he is a regular, normal child in all areas and just has some things to work on. And he behaved EXACTLY like you describe at that age!!! He was at a babysitter when I had a baby at age 3 and the babysitter was alarmed that something is 'very wrong with him' and he's just 'nor acting normal.' His rebbe in nuersery said "He has a lot of issues and needs a alot of help, he really doenst understand what's happening around him at all." He didn't stop moving, he pulled the tablecloth out from under the kids lunches, he bopped kids on the head. He was always getitng into eveyrthing, he was repeating things -- he was a mess. So, take a deep breathe, visualize a positive outcome after all is said and done, and prepare yourself for battle. youre a warrior! Youre a mama bear! YOU CAN DO THIS Smile!
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southernbubby




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Apr 19 2018, 6:21 pm
Mama Bear wrote:
There's 2 types of autism - classic and regressive. A child who smiles as a baby will probably not have classic autism (but he may still have hfa -- social skills are much more nuanced than just smiling ) -- but regressive autism is what Zehava witnessed, and I experienced, firsthand (not the same child.) My son regressed at a much younger age - 20 months - but he was an extremely smiley and friendly baby. Regressive autism does not discriminate.


My grandson has regressive and started regressing around age 2 and a half.
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amother
Silver


 

Post Thu, Apr 19 2018, 6:50 pm
Bluesky 1 wrote:
op one piece of advice I can give you because im not a professional but just mother to mother is. ALWAYS REMEMBER YOUR CHILDS STRENGTHS AND MAKE SURE TO HAVE FUN TOGETHER becasue challenging children bring out a lot of stress and we sometimes focus on the negative or we think "oh he has this problem and that problem" and were trying to help. that comes out negative at times. because we get frustrated.

the point here im making is in your journey to understand your child is to focus on his strengths no matter how dysfunctional he may be in other areas. always make time to enjoy yourselves together. and it doesnt have to be dramatic. if it means to go for a walk or just playing together or just smiling to him. or just being present and mentally being with your child in a relaxed state. its not quantity but quality. hug him even though he pushes you or doesnt want it. show him its good. no matter if he doesnt want it. its good for a child to feel loved.

hatzlacha on your journey. give yourself a lot of credit for all the effort you do and continue to do.


Thanks you. All good points and you are right. I will Bli Neder keep this in mind more as we go forward. He has many strengths and it’s easy to lose sight of how well he does in those areas when we are in the process of exploring his weaknesses.
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amother
Burlywood


 

Post Thu, Apr 19 2018, 7:49 pm
Hello op. (please make sure you read past this first paragraph). I've been following this thread since you first posted and had my immediate reaction to your thread title which was - I can't. It IS scary. It's a terrible life sentence for the child and for his/her entire family. So I get you. I don't blame you for being scared.

However....

For me the whole process of having 2 of our kids diagnosed with autism has been a very spiritual journey. As a result of this I have learned-

1. Just how little control we have in this world. As in wen it says hakol byedei shamayim chutz mi yirat shamayim it means haKOL . Not just things that are external to us. Even the start of our emotions, our thought processes and so on. People with autism "think in a certain way because of how their brain is made"? Guess what - it's true for everyone. Our sphere of control is way way way smaller than most of us realize.

2. Just because someone is "different" doesn't mean you should be afraid of them. Doesn't mean they don't have a critical vital role to play in the world. Doesn't mean you can't learn from them.

3. Sometimes (in fact very often) the biggest hugest achievements in this world look very very small or non-existent to people who don't know how to look properly.


4. I'm stronger than I thought. And if I make Hashem's will my will, I can accomplish anything.

5. Being afraid its in fact the root of almost all evil because it comes from lack of bitachon. So don't be scared!

6. Hashem runs the world. I have no idea what He is doing. Sometimes He gives us little glimpses, but mostly we don't know. But it is OK and we are in good hands.

So I tell myself that I would not have learned these things without the trials and tribulations of having kids with autism. And it is all part of my neshama's tafkid.

Writing that made me feel better - hope it helped you too. Thanks for the opportunity.
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amother
Emerald


 

Post Thu, Apr 19 2018, 7:52 pm
Bluesky 1 wrote:
op one piece of advice I can give you because im not a professional but just mother to mother is. ALWAYS REMEMBER YOUR CHILDS STRENGTHS AND MAKE SURE TO HAVE FUN TOGETHER becasue challenging children bring out a lot of stress and we sometimes focus on the negative or we think "oh he has this problem and that problem" and were trying to help. that comes out negative at times. because we get frustrated.

the point here im making is in your journey to understand your child is to focus on his strengths no matter how dysfunctional he may be in other areas. always make time to enjoy yourselves together. and it doesnt have to be dramatic. if it means to go for a walk or just playing together or just smiling to him. or just being present and mentally being with your child in a relaxed state. its not quantity but quality. hug him even though he pushes you or doesnt want it. show him its good. no matter if he doesnt want it. its good for a child to feel loved.

hatzlacha on your journey. give yourself a lot of credit for all the effort you do and continue to do.


Thank you so much for writing this Bluesky.
I think every single mother needs to read what you wrote no matter what her child was or wasn't diagnosed with.
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amother
Silver


 

Post Thu, Apr 19 2018, 8:02 pm
amother wrote:
Hello op. (please make sure you read past this first paragraph). I've been following this thread since you first posted and had my immediate reaction to your thread title which was - I can't. It IS scary. It's a terrible life sentence for the child and for his/her entire family. So I get you. I don't blame you for being scared.

However....

For me the whole process of having 2 of our kids diagnosed with autism has been a very spiritual journey. As a result of this I have learned-

1. Just how little control we have in this world. As in wen it says hakol byedei shamayim chutz mi yirat shamayim it means haKOL . Not just things that are external to us. Even the start of our emotions, our thought processes and so on. People with autism "think in a certain way because of how their brain is made"? Guess what - it's true for everyone. Our sphere of control is way way way smaller than most of us realize.

2. Just because someone is "different" doesn't mean you should be afraid of them. Doesn't mean they don't have a critical vital role to play in the world. Doesn't mean you can't learn from them.

3. Sometimes (in fact very often) the biggest hugest achievements in this world look very very small or non-existent to people who don't know how to look properly.


4. I'm stronger than I thought. And if I make Hashem's will my will, I can accomplish anything.

5. Being afraid its in fact the root of almost all evil because it comes from lack of bitachon. So don't be scared!

6. Hashem runs the world. I have no idea what He is doing. Sometimes He gives us little glimpses, but mostly we don't know. But it is OK and we are in good hands.

So I tell myself that I would not have learned these things without the trials and tribulations of having kids with autism. And it is all part of my neshama's tafkid.

Writing that made me feel better - hope it helped you too. Thanks for the opportunity.


Wow. I am speechless. Your post brings me to tears. You are very inspiring, your post speaks to my soul. As the next poster commented already, EVERY parent should know these same things about EVERY child. And about ourselves, and every single other person in the world. I am especially marveling over your point that we are more likely to experience our lack of control over the big things, even though it’s just as true of the little things. You truly inspired me and touched my heart with this post. Thank you very much, you are a special person and a special mother.
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amother
Burlywood


 

Post Thu, Apr 19 2018, 8:08 pm
Aw gee thanks silver. Your have given me a lot of chizzuk. Every thing is going to be ok.
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seeker




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Apr 20 2018, 9:02 am
Mama Bear wrote:
There's 2 types of autism - classic and regressive. A child who smiles as a baby will probably not have classic autism (but he may still have hfa -- social skills are much more nuanced than just smiling ) -- but regressive autism is what Zehava witnessed, and I experienced, firsthand (not the same child.) My son regressed at a much younger age - 20 months - but he was an extremely smiley and friendly baby. Regressive autism does not discriminate.

Even without any regression, babies can smile perfectly fine and still turn out to have autism. This is what spectrum means - not every person with autism is in their own world or shows no emotion.

I'm perturbed by the amount of information and pseudo-information being thrown around on this thread. It's great to hear about other people's parenting and diagnosing experiences, but we can't extrapolate like this because ASD is complex and often nuanced. The old stereotypes are practically gone.
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