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Forum
-> Household Management
-> Finances
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amother
Crimson
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 Sun, Apr 22 2018, 12:46 am
A close friend has a family of 6 kids, with literally no food on the table. Her husband has a profession and is a talented young man however he is chronically depressed and therefore does not work. She tries to supplement her income by babysitting etc. but it is a bottomless pit of expenses with no real income. I have given them money over the years (around 15k) I pay for cleaning help a few hours a weekly..
By now I feel like I'm sort of feeding the problem instead of getting to the core..
2 questions:
1.How can she get her husband help? (He refuses to go, and cannot afford it)
2. Since the situation is dire, Is there an organization that can send her weekly grocery orders? They live in Brooklyn
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amother
Pink
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Sun, Apr 22 2018, 12:50 am
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She could be the full time breadwinner while he goes on disability? And as he recovers he could take on part time work while moving towards fulltime?
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amother
Crimson
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Sun, Apr 22 2018, 12:59 am
| amother wrote: | | She could be the full time breadwinner while he goes on disability? And as he recovers he could take on part time work while moving towards fulltime? |
She has a newborn and her oldest is 11. She needs to be there for her kids. Her husband cannot care for them. He refuses help..
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amother
Denim
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Sun, Apr 22 2018, 1:05 am
I have a similar situation only my friend is in the double digits with children also including newborn. Rabbi refuses a heter for birth control. Husband refuses to work. It is a never ending need.
You are feeding the problem as an I.
Are there community resources like her shul? Is she on programs?
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amother
Pink
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Sun, Apr 22 2018, 1:05 am
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She might not want a sitter but someone in that family needs a full time income. Refusing help if he's non functional isn't an option. They might qualify for medicaid and he can get free therapy and meds until he's back on his feet. Maybe she can involve their Rav.
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watergirl
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Sun, Apr 22 2018, 6:51 am
| amother wrote: | | She has a newborn and her oldest is 11. She needs to be there for her kids. Her husband cannot care for them. He refuses help.. |
If the situation is dire as you say, than her going to work full time IS being there for her kids. She may just have to send the baby to daycare and get a full time job. Sitting at home isnt helping the kids at all. If her husband is this chronically depressed, how is he addressing the issue? If there is literally no food on the table, how can she not go to work and think thats the right thing? What would her kids prefer? Full stomach, or a mother who is home? Basic needs come first.
Who pays for their rent? How do they pay tuition?
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watergirl
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Sun, Apr 22 2018, 7:29 am
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To address their belief that he cant afford therapy - I say this all the time on here. Why cant he go to Jewish Family Services in his area? They accept medical assistance and are typically excellent. He must go to therapy. I dont even understand why that hasnt happened yet.
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simba
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Sun, Apr 22 2018, 7:45 am
Depends where in Brooklyn as there are many organizations that provide in their area. Call the Rav in the local shul and ask him what is available.
I doubt a box of food will help the core issue but at least they won't be hungry.
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BH5745
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Sun, Apr 22 2018, 8:01 am
| watergirl wrote: | | To address their belief that he cant afford therapy - I say this all the time on here. Why cant he go to Jewish Family Services in his area? They accept medical assistance and are typically excellent. He must go to therapy. I dont even understand why that hasnt happened yet. |
That's probably because you don't know all the details. Surely there is information we don't know, and OP herself might not even be aware of.
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Teomima
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Sun, Apr 22 2018, 8:19 am
I agree with other posters, she needs to work (and not just babysitting). My dh also has mental health issues and can not care for our children yet for over a decade I was the breadwinner. A large chunk of my income went to childcare but I still came home with more than I would have were I not working.
She should also go on birth control. If she isn't being given a heter, and they listen to their rav enough to follow those instructions, then she should ask the rav to tell her husband to get help. At the minimum he should try for unemployment and/or disability. And I keep seeing women on these forums mentioning places that offer care for free/at a steep discount/on a sliding scale.
They need to stop with the excuses. And you probably, unfortunately, need to stop holding their hand and enabling this.
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watergirl
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Sun, Apr 22 2018, 8:49 am
| BH5745 wrote: | | That's probably because you don't know all the details. Surely there is information we don't know, and OP herself might not even be aware of. |
Obviously. How much can we know from 4 sentences? But when someone makes a blanket statement like “he cant afford therapy”, then other statements stem from it.
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amother
Crimson
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Sun, Apr 22 2018, 9:47 am
Op here-She is on bc. at least that's taken care of. She has a 4k mortgage to pay monthly. The story is like this: she moved to a cheaper neighborhood to rent a bigger house since her apartment was too small. Recently she was being kicked out of that house because is was being sold. so she borrowed/got money from the community to buy that house. Everyone is under the pretense that her Dh is making money. As I said, he has a profession and the community thinks he is just a bit tight with his income. they do not realize that he does not go to work. She got a cosigner and her Dh income (If he would be going to work) to get a mortgage.
He still has a position at a company. My friend told me that her Dh's boss is saint for not firing him. He can go to work if he chooses but he stays in bed instead.
She claims that she cannot have foods stamps because of her income that she is officially supposed to have.
Her parents are helping her get by by buying clothing and helping with the mortgage somewhat but they cannot afford to give more. She says that she cannot tell them exactly how dire the situation is cuz it's not healthy for her relationship with her Dh.
Her going to work will only give her some pocket money, and enable her Dh to go further into the dumps. Now he occasionally works so he brings home sometimes $300 a week or less. He goes into work sporadically..
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livinginflatbus
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Sun, Apr 22 2018, 9:49 am
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SO how does she pay the 4K mortgage?
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fbmommy
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Sun, Apr 22 2018, 10:07 am
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The best thing you could do for her is send HER to therapy to learn how to deal with her husband and her circumstances.
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creditcards
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Sun, Apr 22 2018, 10:13 am
Maybe this husband just needs a good friend to make an appointment for him and drag him to the Dr or therapist. If he is depressed then it's likely hard for him to do this on his own.
Once he is started on an antidepressant he will probably be able to take better care of himself and the family.
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watergirl
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Sun, Apr 22 2018, 11:06 am
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Getting a mortgage is really hard. You cant just tell the bank what you supposedly earn or what your earning potential is. You have to prove it with letters from work, bank statements, and w2, and more. They want a ton of official documentation. Its the cosigner who got them the mortgage. Buying a $1.5 million house was not a good move. I would stop helping them. Sounds like this is above most peoples paygrade.
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amother
Denim
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Sun, Apr 22 2018, 11:13 am
| amother wrote: | Op here-She is on bc. at least that's taken care of. She has a 4k mortgage to pay monthly. The story is like this: she moved to a cheaper neighborhood to rent a bigger house since her apartment was too small. Recently she was being kicked out of that house because is was being sold. so she borrowed/got money from the community to buy that house. Everyone is under the pretense that her Dh is making money. As I said, he has a profession and the community thinks he is just a bit tight with his income. they do not realize that he does not go to work. She got a cosigner and her Dh income (If he would be going to work) to get a mortgage.
He still has a position at a company. My friend told me that her Dh's boss is saint for not firing him. He can go to work if he chooses but he stays in bed instead.
She claims that she cannot have foods stamps because of her income that she is officially supposed to have.
Her parents are helping her get by by buying clothing and helping with the mortgage somewhat but they cannot afford to give more. She says that she cannot tell them exactly how dire the situation is cuz it's not healthy for her relationship with her Dh.
Her going to work will only give her some pocket money, and enable her Dh to go further into the dumps. Now he occasionally works so he brings home sometimes $300 a week or less. He goes into work sporadically.. |
This doesn't make sense. AFAIK food stamps doesn't impute income. It sounds like she is snowing you. There are other things in the story that don't make sense.
My friend that I help out, will collect money from several people for the exact same necessity. I have been helping her for years and she revealed this several times.
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creditcards
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Sun, Apr 22 2018, 11:30 am
| watergirl wrote: | | Getting a mortgage is really hard. You cant just tell the bank what you supposedly earn or what your earning potential is. You have to prove it with letters from work, bank statements, and w2, and more. They want a ton of official documentation. Its the cosigner who got them the mortgage. Buying a $1.5 million house was not a good move. I would stop helping them. Sounds like this is above most peoples paygrade. |
Why is this so hard to understand?
He officially has a job. His boss didn't fire him yet. He goes into work a few times a week. His boss probably gave him the paperwork he needed.
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amother
Gray
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Sun, Apr 22 2018, 11:32 am
| amother wrote: | Op here-She is on bc. at least that's taken care of. She has a 4k mortgage to pay monthly. The story is like this: she moved to a cheaper neighborhood to rent a bigger house since her apartment was too small. Recently she was being kicked out of that house because is was being sold. so she borrowed/got money from the community to buy that house. Everyone is under the pretense that her Dh is making money. As I said, he has a profession and the community thinks he is just a bit tight with his income. they do not realize that he does not go to work. She got a cosigner and her Dh income (If he would be going to work) to get a mortgage.
He still has a position at a company. My friend told me that her Dh's boss is saint for not firing him. He can go to work if he chooses but he stays in bed instead.
She claims that she cannot have foods stamps because of her income that she is officially supposed to have.
Her parents are helping her get by by buying clothing and helping with the mortgage somewhat but they cannot afford to give more. She says that she cannot tell them exactly how dire the situation is cuz it's not healthy for her relationship with her Dh.
Her going to work will only give her some pocket money, and enable her Dh to go further into the dumps. Now he occasionally works so he brings home sometimes $300 a week or less. He goes into work sporadically.. |
It's a whole new level once she buys a house she can't afford. At this point you need to stop enabling. She will figure things out on her own only if she is forced to and nobody is coming to her rescue. Unfortunately I had a similar situation with a friend and when she bought the home lots of people begged her not to. We had to back away and stop helping when she asked. It was too much for anyone to help with and it was too enabling.
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creditcards
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Sun, Apr 22 2018, 11:35 am
| amother wrote: | This doesn't make sense. AFAIK food stamps doesn't impute income. It sounds like she is snowing you. There are other things in the story that don't make sense.
My friend that I help out, will collect money from several people for the exact same necessity. I have been helping her for years and she revealed this several times. |
To me it makes perfectly sense. His boss is recording the paycheck he used to receive while working there as if he still gets it.
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