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Question for those who can't afford basics and are in debt
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amother
Hotpink


 

Post Wed, Apr 25 2018, 11:16 am
thanks for your kind words. it gives me chizuk. we always have to eat bh just maybe not what I would choose to feed the kids. bh for our health bc without that, we have nothing .
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amother
Ginger


 

Post Sat, Oct 26 2019, 11:24 pm
I know this is an old thread
I just want to say
it's really Punch to be in debt and barely scrape by
especially with children teens
hugs to all
may we creep out of this soon
I'm sooo Can't Believe It ashamed of the people we owe money to
sigh
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enjoying kids




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Oct 26 2019, 11:34 pm
southernbubby wrote:
we may be headed for a day when parents are homeschooling their girls because they simply can't afford all those tuitions

Umm, most mothers are out of the house working?
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amother
Lavender


 

Post Sun, Oct 27 2019, 12:35 am
amother [ Ginger ] wrote:
I know this is an old thread
I just want to say
it's really Punch to be in debt and barely scrape by
especially with children teens
hugs to all
may we creep out of this soon
I'm sooo Can't Believe It ashamed of the people we owe money to
sigh


Hugs!!! I'm with you! I literally can't sleep at night and have constant migraines from the stress. We have no money in our account owe tuition and keep getting harassed for it. Don't know how I'm paying my monthly expenses we just can't get out of this rut!! Life is so expensive! I wish I could afford the regular stuff. My poor kids I hope they don't feel deprived with their hand me downs and uniforms from gemachs but household items I cant get that way... I wish there was a solution cuz were totally drowning!
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amother
Periwinkle


 

Post Sun, Oct 27 2019, 1:00 am
We have over $20K in credit card debt, most of it tuition. I'm working on starting a side business because we need a kli for bracha, working a low salary job doesn't do that (but I need to keep the main job while working on the side gig until business picks up). Maybe OP could start something on the side to bring in extra income?

ETA: just saw that this is an old thread! Oops! OP, I hope things are going okay for you.
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amother
Slategray


 

Post Sun, Oct 27 2019, 10:56 am
ginger amother-I'm on the other side. we have over $100,000 loaned out right now. I can tell you that there are different types of borrowers.

The most important thing is to communicate with the people you borrowed money from. We've extended time period for a loan, we've changed a loan into a gift and we've sent a hazmana to beis din.

These were 3 different families.

The difference was in communication. Communicate, communicate, communicate. I know that for ourselves we are very understanding when people communicate and furious when they don't.

We've stayed friends with people we've lent money.

We only lend money that we don't currently need to live off of so it's not the end of the world if stuff comes up and people can't pay us back right away. We understand and say ok just keep us posted. We lent the money to help them, not to stress them out.

It's when someone refused to talke to us and sayed I don't have the money so I'm not going to even think about if I owe you or now, as if the money will just magically have never been used if he just doesn't talk to us, that it ruined the friendship. When they act like we are the bad guys and we should just realize it's all min hashamayim (which is true but it's not their place to tell us that), we should be more understanding, leave them alone... that it doesn't go well.
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amother
Ginger


 

Post Sun, Oct 27 2019, 12:43 pm
slategray
I am tearing up
we do communicate with the people who loaned us money
one person told my husband:
you're the only one who responds

just know your zchus and schar are beyond imagination
it's the absolute pits not to have a penny to your name
+
debt
+
limited earning ability

I just want to put it out there
it's horrendous for the borrower to be in the situation
it literally feels like the world is gray and black
everything I eat tastes like sand
I go to sleep thinking about the people we owe money to
I wake up thinking about them

I feel like a thief every time I buy anything
[which is just the bare basics of living]

It's their money
they have every right to want it back
and I DON'T HAVE it

we tried
and keep trying
I promise
we just can't seem to get the cash flowing
ok. I'm tired out and besides I better get back to work
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amother
Slategray


 

Post Sun, Oct 27 2019, 2:49 pm
the fact that you communicate is huge! It sounds like the lender acknoledged that and appreciated that. Trust me as a lender we can tell when people care and take the loan seriously. It shows.

I highly doubt the people who lent you the money want you to be this stressed out. theres a difference between being responsible and not bieing able to even enjoy the food you eat. we don't want "it literally feels like the world is gray and black everything I eat tastes like sand". thats not why soemone lent you the money, or at least not why we lend people the money. Besides for the one case that doesn't want to communicate with us and it was a different type of situation to begin with it was being we wanted to give the people a helping hand because we cared about them and trusted them.

you say you have limitted earning power. Is there anyway to figure out if there's a way to change that? I know someone where I live told me that her husband is getting FREE training in a computer field. I didn't know such a thing existed. Maybe something like that exists where you live also? May be there is some sort of counselor that can sit down with you and figure out what your best options are? I don't have any advise. I just know that sometimes. there's options that we don't even know about.
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southernbubby




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 27 2019, 2:53 pm
enjoying kids wrote:
Umm, most mothers are out of the house working?


Notice that I said "parents" not mothers. If tuition eats up one parent's total income, you have to decide if going to work is helping.
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amother
Saddlebrown


 

Post Sun, Oct 27 2019, 5:50 pm
I wonder if anyone is in the same boat as me that I cannot have a normal conversation with my husband about finances or budgeting. He just freaks out, starts yelling, doesn't want to discuss ways we can cut back, accuses me of being stingy when I try to be frugal. I end up just keeping my mouth shut, doing the shopping myself when I can and trying to deal with the bills.

B"H I have a decent income (I'm the main wage earner) but with tuition we always fall short and our debts are mounting. Our older children are marriageable age and soon we will be paying for weddings too. I can tell you lots of stories of miracles that helped us pull through (things weren't always as stable as they are now) but it's frustrating that in all the years we have not learned how to communicate about money.
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amother
Ginger


 

Post Sun, Oct 27 2019, 7:13 pm
slategray my husband has a mental health condition and takes medication
people don't know this about him

you can't imagine
he is extremely handsome and humorous

I will spare you the details of my personal life
but it's not fun
[even with the meds. therapy is too expensive - I exhausted all free options]

it's a miracle he can work at all

I daven and bless the people who borrowed us money every day

some people out there are simply angesls

my life is a juggling act

I obviously didn't know this when I got married
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amother
Ginger


 

Post Sun, Oct 27 2019, 7:15 pm
I cannot work more than I do because I keep this home together with sweat and duct tape
I'm emotionally maxed out

I won't out myself so noone needs to offer anything
I'm too ashamed

that's part of the stress too
pretending all is normal when I don't even know anymore what normal looks like
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amother
Slategray


 

Post Sun, Oct 27 2019, 9:05 pm
ginger amother- I'm so sorry Sad I wish I could give you a real life hug. It's really tough. I actually have mental illness myself and it's not fun. Things that are just "life" for others are so much harder making it be harder for our spouses as well Sad

Thankfully I can be a SAHM but if I had to work it would be a nightmare both for me and for my family.

I have a brother who also has mental illness and he hasn't be been able to hold down a job.
I know firsthand that medication isn't some magical thing that makes everyone with mental illness "normal".
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amother
Ginger


 

Post Mon, Oct 28 2019, 1:28 am
oh no
sorry slategray
didn't mean to trigger
glad someone can understand

the world is divided in two

1.
mental illness?
run. a total meshuganer
2.
mental illness?
pills and poof. live a life

and then there are the people who live the reality
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amother
Slategray


 

Post Mon, Oct 28 2019, 2:14 pm
ginger amother- I think you would be surprised how many people are either "living the reality" or have lived it in the past. wonder how many really have never struggled or had a family member struggle. of course having post partum depression for example is different then struggling with depression your whole life... but someone who has had post partum depression will still be able to understand what it's like.

if things were really so black and white anyone who gets divorced because of mental illness would get divorced right away. Thngs are complicated, especially with mental illness when the person can have ups and downs...

sometimes it's not worth pretending that everything's normal when it's not. sometimes it's worth it to open up to certain selectively chosen people but only you can decide that.

I think there might be a subforum on here for spouses of people with mental illness. you might find it helpful, especially since you can keep your anonymity.
wishing you much menuchas hanefesh!
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amother
Floralwhite


 

Post Wed, Nov 13 2019, 11:08 pm
Bump.

This is so relatable. We have been getting help from our rav and the community. I’m so humiliated because I feel like people know and dh isn’t embarrassed to say he has a mental illness. Some people think he is lazy. I’m confused because dh used to be well and so capable but because of stress he just got into a deep depression and hasn’t worked in over a year. Our debt is skyrocketing. He was diagnosed with bipolar. I have a full time job but it’s not enough. Our rent isn’t paid. I’m looking for something to do on the side to make extra money and supplement where we fall short so I can keep a roof over our head but I don’t know what to do. Our rav doesn’t have anything right now. My parents can’t afford to help us right now. His parents won’t help because they see him as lazy.
As for resources, There’s a waiting list for section 8 that’s closed. We just got food stamps & I use the tomchei shabbos. Medicaid we have. I spend on nothing. Unless absolutely necessary.
All I want is to be normal again meaning pay my bills without anxiety. Husband texted me that he’s going away to figure things out. Whatever that means. He left me holding the world on my shoulders. It’s so not fair.
I’m extremely capable and can earn more with a side business but so worn out emotionally & physically.
I don’t know what I want to accomplish with this post except it felt good to vent.
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