Help me help my daughter. Please!

amother

Wed, Oct 24 2012, 5:43 pm

I love my DD. She's funny, creative, talented, and generous. She is also making me nuts. How? In just about every way imaginable. She hurts (hits/bites/scratches) her siblings almost daily. She screams at them. She tries to be little mommy to everyone, even if I don't care about something. She will ignore me and force them to do what she thinks is right. She cries when she doesn't get to (for instance) hold the iPad or play with x toy right now (and then she will hurt whomever is frustrating her. I bought a whole bunch of little playmobil sets as prizes/incentives- and she stole one out of my room and hid the box. If I asked her about it, she will lie like a pro and assiduously deny that she saw or took it and then blame it on someone else. She takes food and hides it. She will invariably find whatever I am saving for a surprise and eat it all by herself. She doesn't listen to instructions- ever. She doesn't clean up, she cuts her hair, she colors on walls, she wakes people up because she feels like it, she goes outside by herself, and on, and on, and on... If she asks me for something- it is code for "I want this right now and you better give this to me", and will freak out if she doesn't get it. Today they went to the cider mill and she was sulking because the bus was too loud and no one listened to her when she told them to be quiet. To top it all off- there is no punishment or incentive that deters her in any way. Time out doesn't work, bribes don't work, prize charts don't work, taking away privileges don't work. I am really at my wits end and I am afraid of my inability to influence her in any way. Please help me. I want to parent all my children in the manner that benefits them. I have been her mother for 5.5 years, and I am not even close to figuring her out.

mummiedearest

Wed, Oct 24 2012, 6:54 pm

op, have you tried to get her to just continue the bad behavior? obviously you don't want to do this with hitting/biting, but coloring on the walls (especially if mr clean magic erasers take care of the mess) can be made boring. "sweetie, what a beautiful drawing! you didn't finish it, though. you need to color for two more minutes before it's done." then make her finish drawing on the wall. take her back to it if she runs away. similar to what my little bro (age 23) jokingly calls a "time in." (nephew, you're in a time in. you're not allowed to go to your room or to the corner, and you're not allowed to be quiet. you have to stay here and be loud for five minutes.)

when my daughter is being too much of a mommy, I whine at her. "MOMMY, BIG BROTHER HIT ME! MAKE HIM STOP! HE'S NOT BEING NICE! I WANNA LOLLY! MOMMEEE!!!!!" every time she starts up again I interrupt with another whine. at some point she gets sick of being the mommy and lets me handle things.

turn the tables on her. give her the ipad but demand to get it back NOW (follow her around demanding). imitate her behavior.

my kids are b'h not SO difficult, but they each have their "things." when they get extra difficult, the above works pretty well. when that doesn't work, reverse psychology can be useful, but only for one of my kids. try reverse psychology, but if it doesn't work the first time, give it up.

amother

Sun, Nov 11 2012, 3:05 pm

I did Dr. Koslowitz in Lakewood's targeted parenting course for my ds who sounds like yours and it was super helpful. I dk where you are, but she does it by Skype as well as in person. It's really worth a trip. I'm enjoying ds now -he's a different kid, and I'm a different mother. her email is drkoslowitz@gmail so it's not hard to reach her and at least find out about it.
Good luck! Your dd sounds like a great kid, btw. I bet you'll figure it out and she'll be fine.

the world's best mom

Sun, Nov 11 2012, 7:24 pm

This is something I learned- I think from Rabbi Brezak- that when a mother says "I tried everything but nothing works for her", he answers that there is one thing you were missing and that is consistency. You should not be trying everything. You need to pick one technique and stick with it no matter what. These things take time, but they will work if you stick with the same technique, every single time, for a long time.

Another good thing about this is that if you decide which technique you would like to stick with, you won't get as frustrated each time she misbehaves, because you have technique already planned.

I don't know which technique is best for her since I don't know her, but positive reinforcement usually has the best results. Punishments tend to only cause negative feelings. However, I believe time outs are necessary when a child hurts people. And I would hit my child if she left the house on her own, because that is dangerous. (By now, whenever ds does something dangerous, he then tells me, "Don't give me a potch!" before I can even say anything.)

Another important thing that can affect your relationship in the long run is that she has to see that you remain calm and in control, even when she misbehaves. For example, a kid grabs something from a sibling, and the mother yells and screams, "You're grabbing AGAIN!! I told you 100 times YOU CAN'T GRAB!!! Give it back to her right this minute or I'll _______!!" The kid will see her mother is an out of control maniac and will disregard everything the mother says (or screams).

On the other hand, if the mother would respond calmly and say, "I see you are grabbing from your sister again. I understand you want that toy, but you know you are not allowed to grab. I told you that before. If you do it again, I'm going to have to put you in time out. Please use your words instead of grabbing. Now give it back to your sister and ask nicely, 'Can I please have the toy?'"

It's helpful to tell your child what she should be doing instead of the misbehavior. For example, instead of saying "Stop hitting", I often tell ds, "Put your hands on your head". That gives him something he has to do with his hands that makes him stop hitting.

A parenting course or parenting book is be extremely helpful in dealing with difficult children. Having a plan and background knowledge will make you more confident in dealing with your child, and the kids can sense that.

Good luck!

imasinger

Mon, Nov 12 2012, 4:26 am

I third the idea of professional evaluation and advice, just to help you know what is going on, so that you don't second-guess yourself all the time.

And, speaking as a parent of 3 kids with diagnoses that affect their behavior, parenting classes are a great idea, too. It's helpful to work on every angle.

Adding to what World's Best Mom said -- from what you are describing, I'd say a good place to start is by giving your DD as much non-negative attention as you possibly can. Notice her when she makes or draws something, and take the time to ask her about it; give her an extra wake-up kiss in the mornings, compliment her any time she does something that you like. Until she is invested in pleasing you, punishments may not be effective.

Hatzlacha!