S/O Handling My Triggers from Teen Daughter

amother

Brown

Sun, May 06 2018, 11:15 pm

Ok, I have teen girls and yeah, they know how to push my buttons and be downright nasty when they don't get what they want, are scared, angry,etc. They say the most hurtful, embarrassing things. Moms out there - I think a lot of us need this discussion - how do you cope in the moment when your teen says something really mean? How do you ignore it if there's one thing that comes up often, or should you always ignore? What parenting books go into this specific topic? Tia.

amother

Puce

Mon, May 07 2018, 1:12 am

amother wrote:

"That was really rude. We can continue this conversation when you are willing to talk and not to attack."

Repeat as needed.

With my DD it's usually that she gets hysterical about something.
We usually say something like this "You are upset right now. Please go to your room and cool off a bit and when you're ready to talk without screaming and crying, Abba and I would be happy to continue the conversation."

amother

Coffee

Mon, Sep 02 2019, 9:14 pm

The main thing you need to know is "Stay calm" my teens used to threaten me more when I acted out and Since I changed my frustration to calm and didn take everything they said, things got much better. If they act out the way u described I assume it only comes from anger . U should try to show them you wanna help them if something bothers ... it can help to have good relationships with kids . All they want is be listened and heard... I also had my time when it went really bad the situation between me and my teens ... I started seeking parenting help ,reading, ... bh things changed . The most important is to stay calm ,
I know it ain't easy ...

PinkFridge

Tue, Sep 03 2019, 8:56 am

amother [ Maroon ] wrote:

I use sarcasm/ humor/ logic.

The trick is not to engage with them, but let them be heard. After the sarcasm and humor then I apply logic.

Also, it helps to know where they are IB their cycle.

Everyone on this thread is answering wonderfully.
I do want to say that sarcasm has to be employed very carefully if at all. Humor is usually great, as long as there's no chance the child will feel anyone is laughing at her or minimizing her angst. But no question, humor is a great tool. And you usually have to be calm to use it well, so bonus points ;-D
Hatzlacha to everyone, and may all your children have a fabulous year, inside school and out.

FranticFrummie

Tue, Sep 03 2019, 9:08 am

Get the book "Parenting Teens with Love and Logic". It will make them feel heard, but it will also teach them how to brainstorm and problem solve whatever is upsetting them. It's very empowering for them to feel more in control of regulating their emotions and finding solutions.

Keep in mind that hormones literally make teens psychotic. I'm not making this up. If you look at brain scans, they are practically the same. They are realizing that the world is huge, and pretty soon they will have to be grown ups. That is terrifying.

Remember that they are just like toddlers, only more verbal. Something that seems small to you, can be the end of the world to them, so don't try to belittle it. If Sarale says her pony tail looks dumb, that can be a really big deal.

One minute they are 16, and the next minute they feel like they are 6 again. They want independence, but they want hugs and reassurance. G-d help you if you offer the wrong one at the wrong time!

You do not have to accept verbal abuse. That needs to get called out. "I realize you're very upset right now, but I can't help you if you are going to speak that way to me." Rinse, repeat.

Find your zen zone. Imagine your teen is a raging ocean, and you are an island made of solid rock. You may feel worn down around the edges, but she needs you to stand strong in the middle of the storm. When the ocean calms and goes smooth, she'll see that you didn't wash away and leave her, and she will feel more secure in both herself, and her relationship to her.

Just keep telling yourself "Zen rock, Zen rock", or whatever calming, centering thought helps keep you from getting sucked into the ocean of drama.

Hang in there, this too shall pass! Hug

My DD just turned 16, and she has given me a wild ride. Suddenly, she's this thoughtful, intelligent, wonderful human being, and I am extremely proud of her. It took a LOT of hard work for both of us, but it was worth it.

amother

Copper

Tue, Sep 03 2019, 11:30 am

Wow how did u all know I needed this thread after yet another fight w my 16 yr old.
She always struggled w problem solving/being rational etc.but lately it's much worse.
She's nasty all the time to everyone- me, my other kids, dh etc. But if I intervene or tell her to stop she yells & is nasty to me.
That's aside from all the arguments & yelling she does just with me & treating me like I'm an idiot.

She doesn't get sarcasm or humor so that's out (she takes it literally)

She argues with reasonable requests, she even argues with snippets of other ppls' conversations she misheard or misunderstood!

I'm at my wits end. It's not healthy to yell back but I feel powerless honestly.
Dh & I have had repeated conversations in calm times that this is not ok- doesn't matter at all

I wanted to go for therapy w her, she refuses.

I have a lot of anxiety in general & this is making it a lot worse.

Everything gets complaints but sympathy isn't enough for her but she refuses to follow suggestions either or to help herself.
(For example- she has difficult hair. Buying her expensive products, getting expensive haircuts, taking a lot of time by me & the salon ladies to show her exactly how to tame her hair. All result in nothing , refusing to properly wash or style it, but whining about her hair & saying she doesn't know how to deal with it.
Dh & I offered to pay for a straightening like she begged for, but only if she maintains it & cares for her hair. She refused. But guess who is still crying about her hair?! Banging head

FranticFrummie

Tue, Sep 03 2019, 2:11 pm

amother [ Copper ] wrote:

Have you had your DD evaluated for Autism Spectrum? She sounds like she has a lot of trouble with executive functioning, hygiene, and social interactions. The frequent melt-downs are a big clue, as well as all the things that I've put in bold font.

She could benefit from intensive, focused therapies that are geared for her way of seeing the world.

amother

Copper

Tue, Sep 03 2019, 3:17 pm

Ff, I agree about the executive function, social & hygiene issues.
I think it might be from Adhd more than autism. (Other kids of ours have adhd) but she refuses all help adamantly.
It's very complex- but in short I can't force her to go nor to follow what she is taught by a therapist
We tried when she was much younger & it was not worthwhile unfortunately.

wantavaca

Tue, Sep 03 2019, 4:16 pm

I don’t know the magic answer to this I struggle with my daughter too.
One thing I have learned the hard way though is that if we get emotional we are feeding and reinforcing the bad behavior.
The mother needs to take the high road and be completely nonchalant, not paying any attention to the disrespect. Take yourself away get busy with something else, “esty pass the ketchup pls.”
I love what one poster wrote about being the rock. Make yourself a metaphor that works it helps.
We get caught up with feeling like we have to eradicate this behavior right now and teach them that this is unacceptable and in the process we end up making matters worse.
If the goal is to help them stop the behavior, it needs to be starved of attention and emotion. They need to know their meltdowns have zero power over us.
Mussar shmoozes are a waste of time. They know what’s right and wrong. They are just being reinforced to keep going back to the wrong behavior.