How long do you wait for carpool kids?

amother

Sapphire

Tue, May 08 2018, 8:15 am

Do you honk? How many times? Do you knock on the door? Text? Call? How many minutes would you wait outside?

A kid we pick up every day has major family issues right now--the parents just got divorced as well as other challenges. Every morning I text the mom, to make sure they are even awake (half the time they aren't). Then I call if she doesn't answer the texts. I start this about a half hour before pick up time. I get to her house and honk, usually she doesn't come out within 5 minutes and I honk again. If I have been waiting about 7-10 minutes I knock on the door, leaving three more kids in the car. Then they get in the car and it takes them another 5ish minutes to buckle the kid. We usually get to school on time because I plan for them to take a long time and get there early, but it is so annoying. I have hesitated to play "hard ball" and leave her there because of their family situation. I have spoken to the mother and she apologized profusely and told me go go without her if it is hard to wait and she will try her best. But nothing has changed and I just feel bad because of how unstable their household is now. WWYD?

southernbubby

Tue, May 08 2018, 8:25 am

If you don't set limits and boundaries, you will understandably get taken advantage of and feel resentful. If she can't be ready on time she misses the ride.

It is understandable that you helped until now but she has had an opportunity to adjust to her new reality and now she must either be ready or miss the ride.

Does she drive your kids at all? Your post says that you drive her child every day. Does she pick up in the afternoon? Is it totally a chessed on your part?

If it is a chessed, she should know that the chessed is only given if she is ready and that after 5 minutes, you will assume that her child is not coming. She did say to go without her if you can't wait and sitting with a carload of kids for 10 minutes and then an additional 5 for buckling the kid in is doing a mitzvah at the expense of your own children and this is not once in awhile but every day. Tell her that you have decided that it is too hard on the children and on you to wait so if she is ready within 5 minutes, you will take the child and if not, she will have to find another way to get him to school.

If it is a mutual carpool arrangement, you have to determine if it is still worth it for you.

We may have to go the extra mile to do chessed but are not obligated to go an extra 10 miles.

The same would be true if you opened a gemach and had hours of operation. If someone came 10 minutes late, they would miss the chance.

southernbubby

Tue, May 08 2018, 8:31 am

amother wrote:

She drives my kids every pm and is always on time with that. I cannot drive in the pm and it is very helpful.

Then that changes everything. You may have to find a way to entertain your kids for those 10 minutes if you need her help.

amother

Brown

Tue, May 08 2018, 9:19 am

Only because it's almost the end of the school year, I'd stick it out to till the end (not only for her sake- it's not going to be so simple for you to make alternate pm arrangements at this point). But don't team up with her for next year. You don't have to feel guilty about that, you won't be leaving her hanging and she'll have the whole summer to figure out what's she's going to do next year.

STMommy

Tue, May 08 2018, 9:52 am

amother wrote:

Unfortunately, unless you want to continue to drive her kid as a chessed, I agree with this poster. By your own OP, you're spending approximately 50 minutes of your own time and effort to drive her kid to school - before the actual driving to school part. That's unsustainable.