I’m so upset at my 5 year old. So so upset.

amother

Brown

Thu, May 24 2018, 5:32 pm

My 5 year old just did something bad. I don’t care to say what, but it was dangerous and something that put her and her younger siblings at risk. And was time consuming to undo. And she said she was gonna do it, and I screamed out no no!! Don’t!!! Don’t do that!!! But I was too far to stop her and she did it anyway.

She generally is a really good girl. I don’t understand where this came from. But I got so angry. I screamed at her. And made her help me fix what she did afterward, all the while scolding her about what she did. She’s a sensitive girl, and I could see it was hurting her feelings, but I was just too upset.

Anyway. I know I probably overreacted. I should go hug her now and tell her it’s ok and I love her, which is what I usually do after I get upset at her. But I’m just still so upset and I don’t know what to do.

anonymrs

Thu, May 24 2018, 5:47 pm

amother wrote:

I understand that children can be very frustrating. I'm concerned about the bolded since it sounds like this was not a one time incident.

amother

Brown

Thu, May 24 2018, 5:52 pm

anonymrs wrote:

I understand that children can be very frustrating. I'm concerned about the bolded since it sounds like this was not a one time incident.

What? Do you never get upset at your children? I don’t understand where your concern comes from. She happens to be an extremely sensitive child so any scolding gets her to feel really bad and I need to hug her and reassure her that I love her even though she misbehaved.

Are you saying that you never discipline your children? I don’t know anyone that would agree with that.

anonymrs

Thu, May 24 2018, 5:55 pm

amother wrote:

You wrote, "I know I probably overreacted."

amother

Brown

Thu, May 24 2018, 5:59 pm

anonymrs wrote:

You wrote, "I know I probably overreacted."

Read what I wrote. Yes, THIS time I said I know I overreacted. And then I said I should hug her which is what I usually do after
I get upset at her. Nowhere did I say I usually hug her after overreacting.

Obviously this time is an exception which is why I’m posting here. Because I know I probably got more upset than the situation calls for right now, since the damage of what she did was really bad but to a 5 year old the act wasn’t worse than other acts of not listening.

I don’t know why you’re tying to allude to something that’s not there.

amother

Firebrick

Thu, May 24 2018, 6:03 pm

This morning my 5 year old got mad at one of the other kids and took a glass bowl and smashed it on the floor. Glass shards everywhere, and toddlers running around barefoot. Another time he threw my cellphone in the (very full) garbage.

This age can be very impetuous. I didn't scream at him, but I was very serious and solemn. I reviewed ways he is allowed to express his anger and ways he is not allowed to.

It happens. And had it been a different moment of the day I would have totally overreacted and yelled at him. It's good to know what those trigger moments are so you can be more aware of the appropriateness of the intensity of your reaction.

anonymrs

Thu, May 24 2018, 6:08 pm

amother wrote:

This. My children are super-sensitive but don't necessarily get insulted because they can see that it's not personal. They don't need hugs and reassurance when disciplined because I'm not upset at them.

amother

Brown

Thu, May 24 2018, 6:13 pm

amother wrote:

Thank you this was helpful. I do wish I had responded like you did, and like you said, had it been at a different moment I probably would have but now my nerves were already on edge.

Anonymrs I don’t know why you keep trying to allude that I constantly overreact at my kids. I don’t. I actually try really hard to do Sara Chana Radcliffe’s 80/20 rule, and constantly give them tons of love. But when I tell her she did something wrong, even in be gentlest of ways, it bothers her a lot because she is extremely extremely sensitive. Maybe you don’t know any very sensitive children if you just can’t understand. But enough already. You’re not helping.

anonymrs

Thu, May 24 2018, 6:18 pm

amother wrote:

You wrote, more than once, that you usually hug her and reassure her after you get upset at her.

But I'll step out of the conversation.

amother

Brown

Thu, May 24 2018, 6:23 pm

anonymrs wrote:

You wrote, more than once, that you usually hug her and reassure her after you get upset at her.

But I'll step out of the conversation.

When I say getting upset that means disciplining.
For example, “no, DD, we don’t EVER hit our little sister and laugh at her while she’s crying. Look how sad you made her!”
Would you say that to your daughter? I would. That’s what I call getting upset at her. And that makes her really sad because she normally behaves and hardly ever gets disciplined.

Rachel Shira

Thu, May 24 2018, 6:24 pm

It’s okay to apologize to your kids. If you feel like you reacted in a stronger way than you like to or than you normally do, you can say to her later, “I was upset that you _____, but I shouldn’t have yelled at you. Next time I’ll do my best to _______ instead. Do you think that next time, if you hear me saying to stop doing something, you can stop right away?”

As a side note, I don’t think it’s awful to raise your voice at your kids once in a while if they’re doing something dangerous. I wouldn’t feel too bad if I were you but I admire that you do.

amother

Brown

Thu, May 24 2018, 6:31 pm

Rachel Shira wrote:

Thank you, Rachel Shira. I like that. I think I will say that to her.

amother

Cerise

Thu, May 24 2018, 11:25 pm

wow youa re such patient mothers. while my children know I love love love LOVE them (I repeat it over and over and over again, and hopefully show them too Wink

) if a dc would throw a glassbowl purposfully after I told him/her NOT to id go wild.

especialy if I was under stress anyway and had a barefoot toddler around.

oyvey. wish I could just bite my tongue. b´´H these things hardly ever happen here and how im owndering: why? are my kids afraid id yell? maybe my kids arent disciplined but scared? I mean they are totally normally developed we have a lot of fun and do activities together etc. but I dont let them hurt each other or break things purposefully, I tell them that I DO take this personally especially if they know better etc. maybe I shouldnt be so strict.....

AAAAH??? am I breaking my kids????

again the general atmosphere is hapy and easygoing at home. we play make a mess enjoy each other etc.

amother

Pearl

Fri, May 25 2018, 2:23 am

I think you SHOULD raise your voice when it comes to danger, but don't put any of your feelings in it.

"I can't believe you smashed that glass bowl! You could of really hurt someone!"

versus.

"That is dangerous! Glass can really hurt people!"

If you don't usually yell, yelling about danger really brings it's point, as long as it's just to make kids understand the warning of danger, and you aren't yelling out of anger or being upset. IF YOU don't usually yell, than it makes danger a big no-no to them which is positive.

amother

Firebrick

Fri, May 25 2018, 5:21 am

It was my kid who smashed the bowl.

I didn't see him doing it until the deed was done, and he ran away when he heard me calling his name. So that helped - I had a few minutes to actually think before I reacted.

He isn't my only kid who seems to not get abstract danger fully yet, this wasn't the time to try to educate him on it. I got the toddlers out of the kitchen and cleaned up the glass before speaking to this delightful 5 year old about appropriate and inappropriate ways to express anger. Thankfully I didn't show a terrible example by blowing up at him and probably none-too-gently relocating him. I don't even think he expected the bowl to break, to be honest.

I do yell too much in general, but I see it's more about when it happens and what I was doing when it happens, than what actually happened. I.e. baby just fell asleep and whatever was done wakes up baby = makes me turn into a volcano. But it wasn't necessarily that bad, just that waking up babies makes me explode.

Kids are expected to grow up with imperfect parents. That's how Hashem created the world. It's more important that they see we are working on improving than that they see us as perfect humans.

Teomima

Fri, May 25 2018, 6:26 am

Have you read How To Talk So Kids Will Listen And How To Listen So Kids Will Talk? It had great suggestions for better communication with children. Rather than scolding and apologizing, you can learn to communicate more effectively so you're sensitive to your child's emotions but also so they understand the ramifications of their naughty behavior.

imasinger

Fri, May 25 2018, 6:26 am

amother wrote:

I do yell too much in general, but I see it's more about when it happens and what I was doing when it happens, than what actually happened. I.e. baby just fell asleep and whatever was done wakes up baby = makes me turn into a volcano. But it wasn't necessarily that bad, just that waking up babies makes me explode.

Glass bowl amother, that is a very important insight, and one that took me years to learn.

The other thing that took me a long time to learn is how much my yelling can be like whatever the misbehavior was that upset me.

When I yell, I am being impulsive.

I am putting my own negative emotions ahead of what will work best to prevent the situation from ever happening again.

I am losing that moment where I can really make an educational impact by modeling better behavior.

I am putting my own desires ahead of the safety and well being of others.

I am not stopping myself from doing something wrong, not listening to the part of me saying "stop."

All of which put me on the same level as a misbehaving child.

And further, I have now given a child a huge dose of undivided attention for behavior that I didn't like, and, in addition, shown them one of my hot buttons.

There are sefarim on managing anger. Reading them can help.

Reading about parenting can help, too.

amother wrote:

Kids are expected to grow up with imperfect parents. That's how Hashem created the world. It's more important that they see we are working on improving than that they see us as perfect humans.

And this is important, too.

When we apologize at the times we should, when we model how to wrestle with a fault, and get better at self control, we teach ourselves and our children a valuable lesson.