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nachlaot

Sun, May 27 2018, 6:59 pm

Hi, we're hosting a bigger Friday night meal soon and have only hosted small meals before. A couple q's:

1) Our wedding benschers are the really colorful Artscroll ones and people love them and we like using our own. The only problem is they're only benschers and don't have all the other stuff. When we eat alone, we just use a couple siddurs for Shalom aleichem and Eshet Chayil. Would it be weird if we just printed a few internet copies of Shalom aleichem (not that anyone doesn't know it) and Eshet Chayil for people?

2) We prefer to bensch after the main course, and then do tea / dessert. Some people do this, but it's not the majority by any means. We like it for a variety of reasons -- allows peoples' stomachs to take a breather between courses, allows people the option to either linger around after dessert or quickly leave, etc. Would you care if you went to someone's house and they bensched before dessert?

LiLIsraeli

Sun, May 27 2018, 7:02 pm

1) When I had this issue (my wedding benchers had Perek Shira and birkas hamazon, but no zemiros) I went to a Judaica store and bought a set of birkonim that had zemiros. They were not expensive and we still use them 10 years later.

2) I wouldn't mind at all as long as the host explained what was happening.

OutATowner

Sun, May 27 2018, 7:02 pm

1) I don't think it would be weird if you are having a large group, it's veru thoughtful. However, if you think it will come up again it may be worth it to invest in a few benchers. I dont know where you live, but my friend said she went shopping in Lakewood and they sold wedding benchers etc from random people for a dollar.
2) I would not think it's weird. It sounds like a wonderful option for both people who want to stay and to leave. You sound like such a thoughtful, geacious hostess!

agreer

Sun, May 27 2018, 7:05 pm

1) Not weird at all. Very thoughtful.

2) I wouldn't care as long as the host explained why. Your variety of reasons are excellent.

amother

Purple

Sun, May 27 2018, 7:44 pm

Many ppl bent her and then do dessert to add berachot

seeker

Sun, May 27 2018, 9:26 pm

#1 if everyone already knows shalom aleichem then skip the printouts, but if you hope to host guests often it would be nice to buy a few zmiros-bentchers. Do you sing zmiros?

#2 explain it at the end of the main course before passing around benchers.

amother

Gold

Sun, May 27 2018, 9:39 pm

Providing printouts or buying inexpensive bentchers is nice if your guests don't know shalom aleichem and zemiros by heart.

I think bentching before dessert sends the message that the meal is over. We use the time between the main course and dessert for longer divrei Torah and zemiros, which gives everyone a little time to settle.

amother

Blue

Mon, May 28 2018, 12:26 am

We host a lot of people all the time. Buying or printing is really dependent on the group your hosting. If they know it by heart then It’s not necessary. You can place a few siddiruim on the table for those that may want but also not necessary. If the crowd would find all of this new then I would have something for them, be it buying or printing (or even just borrowing a few from a neighbor if it’s just one meal).

Regarding bentching. I think your idea is very thought and agree with the others about mentioning as to why you are doing so before. Most know that our meals run long and that we don’t mind you bentching or excusing yourself earlier. We make sure this is clear and for those who have been to us before already know this and feel comfortable doing so. But I do like your idea and I plan to mention it to my husband. I think it’s a great easy way to accommodate without going out of anyone’s way.

amother

Amethyst

Mon, May 28 2018, 4:54 am

So thoughtful!
Many older people have lots of benchers from weddings, bar mitzvahs, and probably would love to give you extra if you don't want to buy. You can ask your parents or friends who you know may have a large amount.
The benching does tend to be a signal that the meal is over and time to get going; however, explaining your minhag makes it fine.
Enjoy!

Ruchel

Mon, May 28 2018, 5:18 am

1) we have printed seder songs and zemiros

2) frankly yes... If I bentsch, I do it in the end.

mommyhood

Mon, May 28 2018, 6:21 am

Printouts are fine just remember they're sheimos. I'm curious, do you not sing zemiros? When we have guests they always want to sing and most people need a bencher for that.

I prefer benching at the end. Then it's obvious that you're 'allowed' to leave. If there's no clear end I would feel strange getting up and leaving if dessert is dragging on.

Ruchel

Mon, May 28 2018, 6:59 am

We sing sans bencher, but those are ""our"" zemiros we know

zebra111

Mon, May 28 2018, 7:04 am

We follow rav ovadia and if dessert is mezonot we bentch before..also when we are guests we either dont eat the dessert if its mezonot or we ask if they mind us bentching first.so we'd think thats a great idea Wink

essie14

Mon, May 28 2018, 9:31 am

I've been at meals where the hosts start birkat hamazon before dessert and people like it, for the most part. I don't think it's strange at all. If the guests want to stay for dessert, they will. People who want to leave, can leave.

Raisin

Mon, May 28 2018, 9:37 am

I think bentching before dessert is a great idea. We often have to rush dessert because people need to leave.

FranticFrummie

Mon, May 28 2018, 2:15 pm

Another thought, get a few of the Artscroll LARGE PRINT benchers. I've had older guests who's eyes aren't that good, and they have been very appreciative of having something that's easy for them to read. It's a small touch that makes a big difference.

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