Risky behaviours | Imamother

amother

Orange

Tue, May 29 2018, 10:08 pm

You know how teens think they are invincible and can do anything and don't think about the risk to their life? Its normal right?
and afterwards it becomes a funny story to be shared and everyone gasps, "you did that?"

Is this a normal teen activity? as a parent what is my responsibility here?
My instinct says "stop him fast" and my other instinct is to let him be a teen and accumulate those stories. his friends survived to tell the story, he'll survive too right? maybe I'm just not supposed to know.

but I'm scared he will get seriously hurt.

simba

Tue, May 29 2018, 10:25 pm

Oh god, I don't know how my parents survived those years.
You are still his parent and dangerous activity should be commented on.
Remember that dangerous is relative. Jet skiing is not the same as drag racing. It boils down to picking your battles.

Thanks for reminding me to enjoy my "little kids, little problems".

Laiya

Tue, May 29 2018, 11:05 pm

OP, you ask what is your responsibility.

Your responsibility is to step in. Teenagers are still kids. Like you said, they don't have a realistic sense of danger. Please, listen to your instincts.

4pom

Wed, May 30 2018, 12:55 am

So hard!

Theres a book by daniel Seigel - Brainstorm - explaining the developing brain- esp the teenage one. That may be helpful.
At some point it would be amazing of teens actually read it themselves. For now it may help the parents
Hatzlacha
This is hard

WhatFor

Wed, May 30 2018, 1:27 am

amother wrote:

something that if he makes a wrong step he could die.

Are you talking about something like rappelling, bungee jumping, skydiving, where there are usually many safeties in place, or do you mean something like parkour off of really high buildings with zero safety in place? If it's the latter, you may need to have some kind of intervention. Engaging in actual life-threatening activities is not okay.

imasoftov

Wed, May 30 2018, 5:21 am

This is yet another thread where the OP doesn't have to reveal more details but won't get useful advice if she doesn't. "something that if he makes a wrong step he could die" wasn't informative. People have died from a misstep while crossing the street.

ellacoe

Wed, May 30 2018, 11:25 am

As a parent I feel that my responsibility is to teach my children the different between right and wrong and then hope that they chose right over wrong. If they are doing everything in life because their parents, teachers, rebbeim have told them to they won't be equipped to navigate life. I let them make their own decisions, however I also make them aware of what my opinion is and discuss their thoughts on the matter. If we don't tell our children what we think is wrong they will not be able to make the right choices. Watching them idly stand by and do things that are dangerous and risky is not making them aware of our opinions. If you don't voice your opinion then it is taken that you condone the activity. From your post it sounds like a fairly dangerous activity. I am not telling you to tell him what to do and what not to do. I am suggesting a conversation where you ask him what his thoughts are about it, is he aware of what the risks are? (let him enumerate them, not you) what he gets from it? can he get that somewhere else? And then calmly mention your concerns, (not a lecture, a conversation) so that he is not unsure of where you stand on it. Give him food for thought.

FranticFrummie

Wed, May 30 2018, 1:21 pm

4pom wrote:

This is the only thing that got through to DD. "Don't do that" didn't cut it. Not that she was doing anything dangerous, but she had friends who were doing stuff.

I explained to her how different parts of the brain develop at different ages, and how the "talk" to each other. I told her how the front part of the brain that does logic is not as developed as the part that likes immediate gratification.

She understood that she was too young to make exciting decisions, because you can't trust a teenage brain to tell you the right thing to do. She's a very matter of fact kid, and basic science made a huge impact on her, where all the warnings in the world wouldn't make a dent.

Now she looks at other teens doing stupid things, and she feels sorry for them and worries about them. She's become the "mom" of her friends group.

justcallmeima

Wed, May 30 2018, 3:45 pm

IME, (5 kids ranging in age from 10 - 26) they're gonna do what they're gonna do. The last thing that's going to stop them is Ima telling them not to. 2 of my kids definitely did things that could very easily have resulted in their deaths. Thank G'd it didn't, and now I have so much incredible nachas from the people they are. Hold on tight and Daven!!

ellacoe

Wed, May 30 2018, 4:10 pm

I just want to clarify what I wrote earlier. I am not saying to tell your son what to do. I agree with Justcallmeima wrote. I meant that firstly I try and go on record with what my opinion is so that is clear. Meaning I make it clear what my position is and why (in a non lecturing open fashion) for example I feel that going to minyan is important, however what you decide to do is up to you. And while I may not agree with your decisions I respect you and I respect them. I also try and make sure that they are making educated choices, by discussing their thoughts about whatever the issue is. Also done in an open non judgmental way, and not bringing up my objections or opinions during this part of the conversation.

amother

Coffee

Wed, May 30 2018, 10:58 pm

When my son was in yeshiva in EY, I was worried about him being there during the summer bain hazmanim. This was during Tzuk Eitan, if memory serves correctly, and he was just the type to go hang out in Sderot and watch the Iron Dome, Hashem yishmor aleinu v'al kol Yisroel.

I used up most of my credit card miles (I was saving to maybe go myself one day) to bring him home for the summer. While I didn't know exactly what he was doing during the zman, we felt pretty confident he was mostly learning and not doing dangerous things. (and hoping that Succos he'd be busy enough doing mitzvos to stay out of trouble.) But once it was bain hazmanim, well, all bets would be off.

So, he came home on the first Sunday after the zman ended.
Me: What's that sunburn from?
He: Oh, on Friday I rented a bike and biked to Yam Hamelach.
Me: Aha. And what did you plan to do if there was a warning siren?
He: I dunno. Hide in the shade of a stopped car?

Me: Well, BH we brought you home...