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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Our Challenging Children (gifted, ADHD, sensitive, defiant)
When do you tell your child their diagnosis?



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amother
Bisque


 

Post Tue, Apr 25 2017, 2:28 pm
My son has ASD and ADHD. High functioning but of course has his challenges. He's 6 years old. At what age do I tell him about his diagnosis?
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Chana Miriam S




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 25 2017, 3:19 pm
We never kept his diagnosis from our son who is 21. When he was having difficulty with something, or even when he was doing something good because of his diagnosis, we would attribute it to his pdd. No big deal, no fuss, just acceptance. We never kept it from other people either. And we found that even when we did not discuss it with other people, they figured it out fast enough.

That said, he is 21 now and someone just came up to me and said that on Friday night (hub and I were away for shabbat) he came over to their house and asked to sing zmirot after dinner. She ended with ' Wow, he has such a great voice and so much kavana and we just love him!.' He also apparently gave an amazing dvar torah!

Most people feel that way meeting him, so knowing he has an asd diagnosis, doesn't seem to keep him from having great interactions with people he knows know. He knows that many of the gifts he has would not be possible if he did not have ASD. And yes, also the challenges.
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amother
Jade


 

Post Tue, Apr 25 2017, 3:19 pm
I told my son just about when he himself understood that his is challenged.
We discussed on his level very simply and openly

I also told him that as of now this is between us until we figure out who can love him just the way he is
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amother
Olive


 

Post Tue, Apr 25 2017, 3:27 pm
In have two kids with ASD, one is 6 (diagnosed first at age 5) the other is 13 and was diagnosed at 12. Every situation is different, every person is different, but getting a diagnosis at 12 has been very hard for the older child. With the younger one, I have already told him, and made it really positive.

I emphasized everything good. You have ASD. That's why you get to have (name of person who shadows him) at school with you every day. That's why you are such a good reader etc etc . Talked about Einstein, Mozart etc. Another of my kids is very upset about ds6s diagnosis and sometimes says things like "you think ds6 has autism, that's mean, it's not true". But ds6 replies, with a huge happy smile on his face "it's true! I have autism! Ask mommy. It's GOOD."

I'd say tell him now and try for that postive spin
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rachel0615




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 25 2017, 3:36 pm
I think children knowing has a great potential to help them become more self aware and makes them a partner in the learning process.

However you need to be careful how you frame it and the language you use. I have two students now who know about a diagnosis and it has had a negative impact. One student has add and sees himself as special needs and below the class. In truth he is a very strong student and is pretty high functioning although of course he has his moments. Another student was told she has a focusing issue so now whenever she calls someone a name or acts inappropriately she says well I have a focusing disorder!its almost funny bc she's young and its cute hearing such a big word that does not understand but of course not beneficial that she sees it as an excuse.

I think a conversation where a parent explains that every one works differently and some differences are given names and some done have names yet and learning is hard for everyone in different ways and we always have to do our best etc- that can go a long way and be very empowering to a child,giving them both validation of the hard work they do all day and knowledge to use to better understand themselves. Hatzlacha!
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 25 2017, 4:28 pm
amother wrote:
In have two kids with ASD, one is 6 (diagnosed first at age 5) the other is 13 and was diagnosed at 12. Every situation is different, every person is different, but getting a diagnosis at 12 has been very hard for the older child. With the younger one, I have already told him, and made it really positive.

I emphasized everything good. You have ASD. That's why you get to have (name of person who shadows him) at school with you every day. That's why you are such a good reader etc etc . Talked about Einstein, Mozart etc. Another of my kids is very upset about ds6s diagnosis and sometimes says things like "you think ds6 has autism, that's mean, it's not true". But ds6 replies, with a huge happy smile on his face "it's true! I have autism! Ask mommy. It's GOOD."

I'd say tell him now and try for that postive spin

Are you me?

I had a very similar circumstance with 2 of my kids.

I think that knowledge is power.
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amother
Powderblue


 

Post Tue, Apr 25 2017, 5:05 pm
I recently read an interesting article on this topic. They have some interesting points.
https://childmind.org/article/.....gers/
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amother
Seafoam


 

Post Wed, Apr 26 2017, 4:42 am
When they notice, and really want to know. teens?
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Apr 26 2017, 5:01 am
As early as possible, so that it just becomes another fact, like hair and eye color.

We never use the word "disability". We talk about "learning differences" and talk about how everyone's brain works in it's own way.

We talk about how some people are great at one thing, but terrible at others. I'm a jewelry designer. I'm highly creative, but I can't balance a checkbook to save my life.

My BFF got her Master's degree in mathematics, but if the clasp falls off a necklace she runs over to my house in a panic. "My necklace is RUINED, it was my FAVORITE!" I fix it in two seconds. She likes to convert miles to kilometers, gallons to liters, and dollars to shekels, just to make a road trip more interesting.

So, which one of us is "handicapped" or "stupid"? Neither!

I never let DD use her issues as an excuse to not do the work in school, but I also don't give her a hard time for not getting straight A's. I praise her for her efforts, not for the results.

Realistic self esteem is the number one predictor of success for everyone, regardless of the challenges. Being realistic means knowing what your issues are, and loving yourself for the "whole package".
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amother
Firebrick


 

Post Thu, May 31 2018, 6:37 am
Just saw this and wondering the same. I have a 7 year old with ASD and I think I should tell him. It's not like I've been hiding it or anything, it just hasn't come up. He doesn't realize he's "different". He's perfectly content with the two friends he has and has never wondered why he doesn't have much to do with the other kids. And it's never occurred to him that the things he struggles with are not a struggle for anyone else. So I'd like to tell him because it's a big part of who he is, but I'd feel weird sitting him down and saying "so you have something called autism..." BH he has dedicated therapists who really help him out, so he functions very well. He did very recently notice that none of his siblings have speech/ot/other therapists (except the youngest, who gets speech due to hearing loss). Would that be an appropriate springboard for a discussion? I don't want him to think about it negatively though, like you have something wrong and they don't, just that he has a condition that requires him getting this help that others don't need and he has special strengths from it too.
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amother
Aquamarine


 

Post Thu, May 31 2018, 6:57 am
I had the same question my daughter has a diagnosed speech disorder which requires intense speech therapy and a lot of struggles on her part. She is very cognitively aware and a smart child so she could say it's so hard to these sounds for me like how do you expect me to say the word right it has a L and and R that's crazy . I belong to a fb where children who have the same diagnosis. my daughter has a little bit of a more mild case ( compared to what it can be )and was caught really early so she's not nonverbal a lot of parents tell there kids right off the bat. I did not see a need for that ( she was about 3 when it was officially diagnosed and had been a suspected diagnosis for about a year before that) I am not hiding anything she's in therapy and we do speech at home daily. I came to a point when she was about 7 when she started getting really frustrated and she didn't understand why it was so much harder than her then for the other kids which is the first time she came and asked me that and so at that point I explained it to her. She has childhood apraxia of speech which makes it that in her brain she knows the word and what she wants to say and then somewhere along the way the signals get mixed up and it come out wrong when she says it. but to her she said it right since she thought it right . she can't hear her errors unless it's recorded and play back to her. She really appreciated the explanation and me sitting and telling her and I think it was done at the right time I don't think she needed it before that. Each child is different and each diagnosis is different I had a sibling with intense ADHD and it was always his "out" like we didn't expect anything different from him or just go take your meds I think when's it's treated like that it hurts the child it's all about the diagnosis and not the child. But when you do it right it can help the child understand themselves and give them the power to help themselves without giving it to them as an excuse.
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amother
Khaki


 

Post Thu, May 31 2018, 10:09 am
amother wrote:
Just saw this and wondering the same. I have a 7 year old with ASD and I think I should tell him. It's not like I've been hiding it or anything, it just hasn't come up. He doesn't realize he's "different". He's perfectly content with the two friends he has and has never wondered why he doesn't have much to do with the other kids. And it's never occurred to him that the things he struggles with are not a struggle for anyone else. So I'd like to tell him because it's a big part of who he is, but I'd feel weird sitting him down and saying "so you have something called autism..." BH he has dedicated therapists who really help him out, so he functions very well. He did very recently notice that none of his siblings have speech/ot/other therapists (except the youngest, who gets speech due to hearing loss). Would that be an appropriate springboard for a discussion? I don't want him to think about it negatively though, like you have something wrong and they don't, just that he has a condition that requires him getting this help that others don't need and he has special strengths from it too.

Same with my ds. He is so high functioning that and he really doesn't feel different than everyone else. I don't think there is a need to label him or to explain why he gets therapy. He knows certain things are difficult for him just like other people have other difficulties. His therapists all agree that we should keep it this way for now.
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