Awareness of unhealthy friendships

amother

Emerald

Thu, May 31 2018, 11:48 am

amother wrote:

*control - the girl would be upset when DD spent time with other friends - including friends she specifically went to camp with - including a girl DD was friends with since Kindergarten (and continues to be friends with).

*saying things against us as parents when we helped DD set boundaries with the girl. Saying "your parents hate me" and such.

These are the 2 things that pop out to me as real red flags that cannot be worked on so quickly. The first one I did, without realizing it. Emotionally I was so happy someone actually cared about me...and I leaned to be less possessive as time went on. But I never threatened my friends or discouraged them from talking to others. I was just disappointed when they didn't have enough time for me, or felt that I wasn't good enough. Again, these are things I worked through with help from them..

The latter though I must admit is a definite red flag. In general I think you should teach your daughter to make boundaries, if my friend's parents were to ever make boundaries I would feel unsafe, that they view me as a problem, unhealthy and bad. I wouldn't feel that way about normal teenage boundaries like "I gotta help" and curfew etc, but just if they made boundaries specifically concerning me. (Not sure what you did). In general I advise to teach your kids to be assertive, and let their friends know that they are making boundaries and they need to be respected.

amother

Saddlebrown

Thu, May 31 2018, 12:33 pm

amother wrote:

I know I'm writing a lot.
I really feel that people like me are misunderstood.
Even though I'm not in that place anymore, very few people know what it's like and can defend it.

You rarely hear the story from my side.

When I read the post that you were responding to, I also felt heartbroken for the friend. She certainly didn't understand what she was doing that made her difficult.

But otoh, as a mother, who's tried and tries so hard to create a healthy, emotionally supportive home environment, it's my job to protect my dd. She can't be a therapist. It's not fair to put that on her, to teach her friend boundaries.

amother

Emerald

Thu, May 31 2018, 12:41 pm

amother wrote:

Listen if your child can't handle that, or you can't handle that I understand.
I do think that if Hashem brought this into your life you should be able to do something for the child of Hashem's. Or at least try.

Not every child is strong enough to deal with this type of thing, nor is every mom.
But if you are, if you can try, do it!

amother

Coral

Thu, May 31 2018, 1:18 pm

amother wrote:

I still experience that quality in close relationships.
It's not something I can control.
I can only control how I act.
No one even knows how obsessed I am deep inside.
Someone lacking love for the majority of their life will understand.
The obsessive thing does fade after a year or two for me.
I act so normal no one even knows...

Just wanted to let you know that I understand. I get it. You are not the only one who experiences this. Don't think you're off the wall. You're a normal, wonderful person who was blessed by Hashem with beautiful, deep feelings.

ETA you deserve credit for conducting yourself maturely and responsibly. That is the deciding factor for whether the relationship is healthy or not.

amother

Chartreuse

Thu, May 31 2018, 1:32 pm

amother wrote:

Emerald, I really, really felt bad that we had to insist DD break off that friendship. I really felt bad for the other girl. We are generally a warm, welcoming family. But at the point where we realized it was bad for our child, we had to put her first.

I pray for the other girl often, and I hope her family has gotten her badly needed help and support.

I've often second guessed myself as a mother here....but I know in my heart that we had to do this, we had no choice.

I'm glad that for you, your friend was able to be there for you. I would guess that with the things I posted, you were probably more respectful of your friend and her parents, and less controlling. You were more open to learning skills and the relationship was probably way more healthy. That's why it was able to develop and flourish.

Give yourself credit for that.

BTW I thought of one more aspect of the "friendship" that we found uncomfortable as parents, and DD felt uncomfortable with as well. That was gifts - lavish and inappropriate, and used as a form of control. Just posting this since the OP of this thread asked about how to recognize an unhealthy teenage relationship.

amother

Chartreuse

Thu, May 31 2018, 1:36 pm

amother wrote:

Controlling how you act is a BIG thing, even if you feel differently inside.

amother

Emerald

Thu, May 31 2018, 2:08 pm

amother wrote:

I haven't met anyone else. I used to google it hoping I'd find an article or something..but nope. I'm still trying to accept myself, it's hard and I get scared sometime that people would hate me and think I'm a monster. Inner work... Wink

I've come to learn that a healthy relationships is based on 2 things.
1) How comfortable both parties are
2) If an obsessive or part you think might be unhealthy would be taken away, how would you react? If freak out and fall apart is the answer...then yeah, not healthy.

Thanks for the hug! Wish I had the courage to share under my username.

amother

Emerald

Thu, May 31 2018, 2:11 pm

amother wrote:

I'm an expert on unhealthy relationships at this point. lol. That last part....yeah, another big flag. Sigh...she probably need so much love. I guess someone else is meant to be the shaliach. I know how you feel, I'm still working on myself and I have to come first, as much as I want to take in every child like this into my home I have my own inner demons and there's a limit to how many children I can help at one time.

amother

Chartreuse

Thu, May 31 2018, 2:16 pm

amother wrote:

Yeah, in a way I wish I could give it to her myself but leave my daughter out of it. Because it isn't healthy for a teen to be in that position of giving.

amother

Emerald

Thu, May 31 2018, 2:37 pm

amother wrote:

Yeah, in a way I wish I could give it to her myself but leave my daughter out of it. Because it isn't healthy for a teen to be in that position of giving.

Teens do many unhealthy and stupid things. I don't think it's so bad for a teen be an unhealthy position. My philosophy is it's gonna happen with something, whether it's a friend, with a substance or who knows what. Teens experiment, find extremes, and end up in unhealthy places.

The deciding factor is whether the teen can deal with that specific unhealthy thing or not.

amother

Chartreuse

Fri, Jun 01 2018, 9:48 am

amother wrote:

I don't really agree with that. I know lots of women who got thru their teenage years without doing anything extremely unhealthy.

I do agree with your last sentence, though, and DH and I did determine that our DD could not deal with this unhealthy friend. That's why we consulted with professionals and acted upon their advice.

amother

Emerald

Fri, Jun 01 2018, 11:49 am

amother wrote:

Healthy is relative. I mean extremes more. I have very sheltered friends who didn't deal with any problems. Wonderful family, friends, but I know personally when she was a teen she struggled watching youtube videos. Spend hours every day there. It may not seem like the biggest thing, but I'm referring to anything a teen will do to an unhealthy amount. And every teen will meet with that, as they are still developing, struggle with self control, etc.

You seem to be a great mom watching out for DD.