Getting Wild | Imamother

amother

Dodgerblue

Mon, Jun 04 2018, 5:27 am

My son is 4. I have a friend with a son who likes to play with him. The thing is when he is here, they play really rough. They run and chase and catch and pull. And friend is much bigger, so it is usually him catching and pulling. When we meet up at the playground, it's even worse. The thing is my son seems to like it, goes back to him (after hiding behind me), chases back, laughs. So this definitely encourages the behavior. They seem to both be enjoying it (which is why I'm slow to stop it). But afterwards he sometimes says Friend isn't nice because he hit me (his older cousin was here once with Friend, so he told him that). The other day I asked if he'd like this friend to come over (theoretically) or if it's too rough for him, and he said he'd like him to come because at home he's not too rough (as opposed to at the playground). Could be he just doesn't remember because it's been a while since I allowed him to come.

I think this kid could play nicely (as could my son), and I think they do with other kids, but their relationship together is like this. They are in different classes in school and only are together in these situations. So what would you suggest? I think this is normal for little boys to some degree. Would you allow it if both enjoyed? (Dragging each other on the grass at the playground, for instance) Would you speak to his mother about it? She seems to think it's normal boy play, and doesn't here my son speaking about it afterwards. Should I just continue avoiding their interactions? Should I speak to the boy about it? Should I encourage my son to speak up for himself if he's uncomfortable? I try asking him during the play if he likes it, and he's too busy laughing to say anything... so is it fine, even if after he seems like he didn't enjoy and it seems like it really is overly rough for such a little kid? I find it exhausting worrying that it's too much for my son the whole time.

FranticFrummie

Mon, Jun 04 2018, 5:43 am

You can ask the boy not to hit while playing, and still let them wrestle each other.

If they get out of hand, say something simple like "Gentle!" or "Easy there!" to get their attention and slow them down a bit.

Otherwise, I wouldn't worry, it sounds like typical boy play. Most likely, the bigger boy isn't aware of his own strength, and needs a few prompts to reign it in. When they are more quite, you could take the boy aside and tell him that your son really loves playing with him, but because your son is smaller he needs to not play quite so hard. Even a 4 or 5yo can understand that.

amother

Dodgerblue

Mon, Jun 04 2018, 12:50 pm

FranticFrummie wrote:

But the problem is it's exhausting and stressful for me. I follow them around the whole time and try to tell them to calm down, and it's like they get into crazy mode and just can't calm down when they're together (even though both play just fine with sisters and other friends). And the fact that I have to try to figure out if it's too touchy/rough for my son even though he seems to enjoy it makes it even more stressful and difficult. Should I just remind my son to speak up for himself to his friend or to me before we get together, and just make sure he's safe even if they're playing very rough and try not to worry more than that?

amother

Plum

Mon, Jun 04 2018, 12:57 pm

I would avoid arranging play dates. If it happens that they're together, keep an eye on things. Sometimes certain kids just create an unusual dynamic when they're together, and it's usually best to avoid it if it's not generally a positive thing. There's nothing wrong with rough and tumble play for boys or girls as long as both are enjoying. It sounds though that this isn't your son's usual idea of fun, and in fact he has complained about it being too rough.