How’s to protect my children from abusive father

Mommyg8

Mon, Jun 04 2018, 11:43 am

imasinger wrote:

OP asked how to do that.

Here's what it might look like.

DH: DS, you took forever in the bathroom, what do you think you were doing in there? You're setting a terrible example for the younger kids! The time to go is before the meal, and then you make it short, didn't you ever learn how to do it right?

You: DH, I need a word with you in our room, right now. It can't wait.

(My DH and I call such times "quick executive conference." If one of us calls it, the other excuses themselves immediately and we go for a powwow.)

Hopefully, he comes then, but if not, ask again.

Once you have him alone: DH, the way you were talking to DS is not OK with me. It's not right to shame anyone about when or how long they need the bathroom. If you thought there was a problem, you should have taken him aside quietly, asked him nicely if he was OK, and then calmly told him that you would appreciate it if next time he were faster.

DH will probably respond defensively.

You: I am not comfortable with your browbeating the kids. If you don't find a better way to express yourself, I'll be contradicting you in front of them. But I will not let them be bullied by you. Just think about it.

OP, since you have learned to stand up for yourself, I think this is doable. Whether he chooses to comply or face being contradicted by you is up to him. And the kids feel validated.

Of course, this is assuming you continue to back him in front of them at every time he is being reasonable. And maybe make an extra show of respecting him in little ways; stand to greet him when he walks in, etc.

OP, listen to imasinger. She knows what she's talking about. This advice is pure gold, and worth a lot of money LOL

amother

Navy

Mon, Jun 04 2018, 1:29 pm

I talked with my therapist about this very thing. (I have a feeling she thinks I should leave the marriage, but is waiting for me to come around to that decision on my own. But maybe I am projecting.)

This is what I did:

I talked with my DH and told him that certain behaviors don't have a place in our home and that I won't tolerate them. People must treat one another with kindness and respect. I told him that if I say him, I'd say quietly "too much" or "too harsh" this was his clue to stop it. I told him that he then needed to apologize to the child. I told him that if he didn't stop, that I would essentially call him out on it - yes, in front of the kids. They MUST know that people in a loving home do not treat one another that way. (when we are more harsh than we know we should be, we acknowledge it an apologize.)

DH said that I would be "undermining" him if I talked to him that way in front of the kids. I told him that as long as he was behaving in an appropriate manner, there was nothing to say. And that yes, I will undermine any attempts to shame or hurt our children, as he should!

It has been very very hard to stand up to him like this, but I've done it and it has made a difference. As one of two adults in the home, you have to decide what behavior you are willing to accept and what you are not. You must draw the line and enforce it. Take a deep breath and hold your head high.

To help work up the courage, I thought about how I would respond if DH said at the shabbos table, ok, kids, what movie do you want to watch after dinner? This is a behavior I won't tolerate, as we are a shabbas-observant home. I knew I'd be able to say "It's shabbos, we are not watching TV after dinner." So I decided I'd reply in the same firm, matter of fact tone - "We do not shame or blame one another in this home."

If you're going to stay with your DH, you must figure out a way to protect your kids. If you can't, well, then, perhaps consider removing the abuser from the situation.

amother

Smokey

Mon, Jun 04 2018, 1:58 pm

amother wrote:

Wow, you are amazing!

I admire your strength and clarity, and your courage in taking responsibility for the emotional protection of your children.

amother

Peach

Mon, Jun 04 2018, 2:12 pm

imasinger wrote:

amother

Navy

Mon, Jun 04 2018, 2:46 pm

imasinger wrote:

I didn't read the whole thread before I posted (cardinal sin!), but Imasinger hit the nail on the head.

amother

Tan

Mon, Jun 04 2018, 6:01 pm

As an abused wife, I didn't understand how a woman can care more about herself or about listening to her husband than about her kids.
I'm divorced now. But when I was married, I would let him do or say anything to me. But I always stepped in with the kids even though I knew I'd get it way worse from him from interfering and undermining. They were so little and helpless. I got out as soon as I could. But I would way rather him get mad at me stepping in and hurt me than them.

How on earth do you not have compassion for your poor child? As a mother, your own self and respect toward your husband come way after your life for your kids. I truly don't get how it's ok that you don't take it and you put your foot down in regard to how he treats you, yet when it comes to defenseless kids that you brought into this world and are obliged to protect you don't stand up for them.

amother

Burgundy

Mon, Jun 04 2018, 8:14 pm

I agree with you Tan.
Still it can get very confusing for the wife as to what is the best course of action over the long term, like what will keep the marriage together "for the kids", and self esteem issues its more emotional than logical. Thats why I think Op and most people in her situation r"L need a therapist to help them get and stay clear thinking and acting. (like that other poster BTDT demonstrated)

amother

Honeydew

Tue, Jun 05 2018, 1:29 am

amother wrote:

Easier said than done.
I’m only staying in the “situation” for the kids.
When they get hurt like this I doubt myself. But he’s their father forever and even if I leave they will have to spend time with him and I won’t even be there to have the opportunity to try to protect them.

OP, but how is staying in this situation "for the kids" if their own father is abusing them?
Let me tell you about children where the mother stayed "for the kids". My husband and his siblings are messed up so badly because their mother didnt leave. One child never married out of fear of becoming like the father, on daughter married an abuser just like the father yet doesnt see it and her own children are completely messed up, so that abuse cycle continued. My husband, thankfully has gone to therapy for years now and has been on medication for clinical depression and complex ptsd (that is ptsd from something that is more than just a one time event, as in, abuse in the home for years at a time, as in, his entire childhood)
None of the siblings are able to show much positive emotion. All of them have major issues when it comes to emotions and relationships. My husband jokes (even though it is truly sad and not funny) that he and his siblings need a full lobotomy in order to be able to be fully and normally in a relationship.
So, please, OP, no matter what you think, that you staying is for your kids, it is not, and will majorly hurt them in the long run, not even talking about the abuse that is actually going on now as well.

amother

Goldenrod

Tue, Jun 05 2018, 1:58 am

I am an adult daughter of an abusive father and a mother who is staying for the kids and for their shidduchim....
I will forwarn you that my response is coming from a very loaded emotional place. you don't have to take my voice as advice rather see it as what might end up happening to your kids...

I am mad at my mother.
I Hate my father. I want him dead.
Every day she stays with him, I feel like I am still being abused.
She feels like she handled every situation that came up in her complicated life with balance and sechel.
I feel like every time he abused us she let it happen.
No matter how she reacted, I feel like she enabled it EVERY TIME.
By staying, by treating him like an adult, by respecting him as a husband, by giving him a say in our lives, she enabled abuse.
My siblings are all affected.
Some of us(me included) are in therapy. Some not.
The issues vary from OCD, Eating disorders, deppression, narccistic tendencies, PTSD, and more.

So even if you stay, just think about where your kids are headed.

Just want to add that before you start thinking that your kids are different, my siblings and I are all very talented, normal looking, community involved, average and above in intelect.
As people would say- 'not the type' to have issues....

amother

Pewter

Tue, Jun 05 2018, 10:26 am

I really appreciate you posting from the heart like that, daughter of abuser and wife of husband who jokes about lobotomy. You make me wonder if I am doing the right thing waiting to leave. How do you think it would have gone if there was forced visitations without the mother there to jump in when things get cazy?What if idivorce would've allowed the father to act even worse because he no longer had to try?

Did your mother/mil not step in?

amother

Babypink

Fri, Jun 29 2018, 6:23 am

I don't understand why you still want to play perfect wife for him? You are a mother and that's more important now. He is hurting your kids... And I don't see anything wrong in telling him off in front of the kids. They don't need to be respectful to someone who doesn't know anything about respect in the first place. You need to earn respect. (Imo). If you can't get out... Defend your kids. They need to know that he is wrong and they aren't. They need to know someone cares and protects them. That's a parents job. Your job unfortunately because your husband isn't doing his. My mother was abusive and I never forgave my father for never stepping in,always finding excuses and telling us: she is your mother ..you still have to respect her.
No I don't. She told me she wanted to kill my sister , she stood in front of me with a knife in her hand. I will never respect someone like that . And I would have been my father's job to make sure it didn't get this far.