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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children
How much do I ask MIL to help with kids?
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amother
Babypink


 

Post Wed, Jun 06 2018, 8:49 am
sirel wrote:
Since she
a) has some level of expectation that her MIL would help her out
b) specifically mentioned that her MIL is local

I reached the conclusion that

c) her mother is not local and therefore not available to help.

Seems pretty simple to me
sometimes people are more forgiving of their mothers than of others. So maybe, for her mother, she has justifications for her lack of help. I think that she should think of her MIL as if it were her mother.
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amother
Turquoise


 

Post Wed, Jun 06 2018, 10:42 am
I am a mil who lives in town to one of my marrieds who has 3 kids.
I work part time.

I love to babysit when I can and don't mind my dil asking me.

having said that...

I DO feel bad to say no, even when I really can't.

She tries not to impose too much and I guess I'm lucky in that way.

but it still astounds me when I read some posts on this site about my generation and being a mother and mil and our obligation to do more than we do. What we do or not do for our kids has nothing to do with love for our children and grandchildren. It really doesn't.

but I've asked it before and I'll ask it again:

why are WE not entitled to a life and fun of our own?? why can't we just spend money that we've earned all our lives and spend it frivolously? (should we want to) It's OUR money. why are we made to feel that your choices of how many children YOU choose to have and how many years YOU choose to stay in kollel are on US?
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amother
Royalblue


 

Post Wed, Jun 06 2018, 10:51 am
No one owes you anything! Not your mother, mil, sister, bff...oh, sure life is easier when there’s another pair of hands but please don’t expect people to help you unless there’s an emergency
You’re a big girl now. You decided to get married, have children, have some more... just because you live near mil doesn’t mean she’s in this with you. You are on your own and that’s just fine now since that’s what big people do. Once you stop feeling bad that no one is helping you you will be much happier. Yes, life is busy, overwhelming with little kids but it’s temporary and that’s just how it is!
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flmommy




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jun 06 2018, 11:05 am
What if you or your DH asked your MIL IF she could help? What about something like this, Mom money is really tight now and we are stressed. Is there any regular time you could give us a break? See what she says. If she says no so be it. Maybe she will offer a few hours a week, every two weeks or once a month. Try it!
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amother
Floralwhite


 

Post Wed, Jun 06 2018, 11:52 am
The "not owing" goes the other way too. Do ILs expect to be invited over or taken care of when they need help? I don't think they want their kids saying you know I finally have some free time so we don't want you to bother us.

Families should help each other as best they can. Yes there are boundaries, but it has nothing to do with lifestyle choices or number of kids or whatever. Of course, it has to work for both and shouldn't be too one-sided, but shouldn't families try to help each other?
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amother
Jetblack


 

Post Wed, Jun 06 2018, 12:03 pm
amother wrote:
The "not owing" goes the other way too. Do ILs expect to be invited over or taken care of when they need help? I don't think they want their kids saying you know I finally have some free time so we don't want you to bother.


Oh My Goodness!!! You win the 'most entitled' award!

We owe EVERYTHING to our parents. They owe us NOTHING! Thats the natural and spiritual order of the world. And obviously the Torah way too.
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jun 06 2018, 12:20 pm
amother wrote:


why are WE not entitled to a life and fun of our own?? why can't we just spend money that we've earned all our lives and spend it frivolously? (should we want to) It's OUR money. why are we made to feel that your choices of how many children YOU choose to have and how many years YOU choose to stay in kollel are on US?


I totally think that if you are old enough to get married, and make choices within your marriage, you have to own up and be responsible for that.

At the same time, I think that within a supportive family, there can be exceptions to the rule. For example, if someone has an ill child, or such extenuating, unanticipated circumstances, it would be very uncaring if parent spent money frivolously and turned a blind eye to their married child's needs.

from a self-supporting Kollel wife
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jun 06 2018, 12:24 pm
amother wrote:
The "not owing" goes the other way too. Do ILs expect to be invited over or taken care of when they need help? I don't think they want their kids saying you know I finally have some free time so we don't want you to bother us.

Families should help each other as best they can. Yes there are boundaries, but it has nothing to do with lifestyle choices or number of kids or whatever. Of course, it has to work for both and shouldn't be too one-sided, but shouldn't families try to help each other?


shock

Your inlaws took care of your spouse and raised him to be your husband. Yes, they should be invited over and taken care of, and no, they don't owe you to take care of your kids in return - they had their turn for that already. Anything they give you is a bonus and totally extra (but yes, personally, I hope to be able to be that Grandma B"EH, and would do so very lovingly.)
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amother
Coffee


 

Post Wed, Jun 06 2018, 1:20 pm
my parents and inlaws live on our block.- none of them work anymore. they each have only two children and only dh and I live in the same country/town/street as them.

I ask them for help in emergency situations, in which they do what they can in order to help us. (whe I was in hospital for major surgery they would babysit so that dh could come once every other day for a couple of minutes...).

when my babysitter cancelled last minute and I had to go to work for an important meeting mil went for a walk with the baby...


SOMETIMES they call and ask if there is any way they could lend me a hand. THANK YOU! I cannot rely on their help I never know when an offer comes.

inlaws simply dont offer often. my parents are not too wll unfortuantly and my mother feels guilty for not helping me as much as she would do if she felt better. so sometimes she will offer me money to hire a babysitter and get some sleep. or she says she wishes she could help with pessach cleaning and would give me a generous check in order to purchase nice disposable plates (which otherwise I would not buy), saying if she felt better she would help me with washing dishes after seder...

I am very grateful for these offers but they come on their terms very irregularily and it is not something I can rely on.

yes SOME of my friends have parents/inlaws who bring their kids to school, pick them up fro playgroup, make tiyulim weekly, shop, cook, invite them over for yontef etc.. nice for them but I dont envy them.

I understand you though that IF you feel overwhelemd and a relative notices it and lives close and has the possibility to help that you may feel sad in case help is not offered.

yesterday mil said she would take the baby for a walk and today she texted me she cant come

I FELT LIKE: hey its boiling hot I have two sick kids at home we dont have an Airconditioner, I have errands to run and kids to pick up from school, I work from home and have two telephone confrences and should do household/cooking: I kind of expected you to take baby out for 2 hours...

I SAID: oh nice enjoy your swimming and say hi to the friend.
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amother
Jetblack


 

Post Wed, Jun 06 2018, 1:28 pm
amother wrote:

I FELT LIKE: hey its boiling hot I have two sick kids at home we dont have an Airconditioner, I have errands to run and kids to pick up from school, I work from home and have two telephone confrences and should do household/cooking: I kind of expected you to take baby out for 2 hours...


And she most likely felt like that too on one day, 20-30 years ago. And now she gets to reap her rewards, relax and enjoy a swim and spend time with her friends. IY"H 20-30 years from now, you'll get your turn too.
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amother
Royalblue


 

Post Wed, Jun 06 2018, 1:34 pm
amother wrote:
my parents and inlaws live on our block.- none of them work anymore. they each have only two children and only dh and I live in the same country/town/street as them.

I ask them for help in emergency situations, in which they do what they can in order to help us. (whe I was in hospital for major surgery they would babysit so that dh could come once every other day for a couple of minutes...).

when my babysitter cancelled last minute and I had to go to work for an important meeting mil went for a walk with the baby...


SOMETIMES they call and ask if there is any way they could lend me a hand. THANK YOU! I cannot rely on their help I never know when an offer comes.

inlaws simply dont offer often. my parents are not too wll unfortuantly and my mother feels guilty for not helping me as much as she would do if she felt better. so sometimes she will offer me money to hire a babysitter and get some sleep. or she says she wishes she could help with pessach cleaning and would give me a generous check in order to purchase nice disposable plates (which otherwise I would not buy), saying if she felt better she would help me with washing dishes after seder...

I am very grateful for these offers but they come on their terms very irregularily and it is not something I can rely on.

yes SOME of my friends have parents/inlaws who bring their kids to school, pick them up fro playgroup, make tiyulim weekly, shop, cook, invite them over for yontef etc.. nice for them but I dont envy them.

I understand you though that IF you feel overwhelemd and a relative notices it and lives close and has the possibility to help that you may feel sad in case help is not offered.

yesterday mil said she would take the baby for a walk and today she texted me she cant come

I FELT LIKE: hey its boiling hot I have two sick kids at home we dont have an Airconditioner, I have errands to run and kids to pick up from school, I work from home and have two telephone confrences and should do household/cooking: I kind of expected you to take baby out for 2 hours...

I SAID: oh nice enjoy your swimming and say hi to the friend.


Man..., at least get yourself an air conditioner!!! Life will be much easier when you are not dying of heat!
I’m impressed that you have no expectations of anyone
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amother
Bisque


 

Post Wed, Jun 06 2018, 6:58 pm
Just tell your mil that you will forbid her to see her grandchildren again if she doesn't offer to watch them at least twice a week for 5 hours each time. You deserve a break.
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amother
Smokey


 

Post Wed, Jun 06 2018, 7:09 pm
amother wrote:
Just tell your mil that you will forbid her to see her grandchildren again if she doesn't offer to watch them at least twice a week for 5 hours each time. You deserve a break.


A woman should threaten her husband's mother??
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Mommyg8




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jun 06 2018, 7:12 pm
amother wrote:
Just tell your mil that you will forbid her to see her grandchildren again if she doesn't offer to watch them at least twice a week for 5 hours each time. You deserve a break.


Seriously?
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jun 06 2018, 7:24 pm
Mommyg8 wrote:
Seriously?


Clearly not.
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amother
Burgundy


 

Post Wed, Jun 06 2018, 7:27 pm
Both my inlaws and my parents live near us my parents live on my block and my inlaws live about a mile away. Our daughter is 2.5 and my father in law has still not seen her 😳. My th has called him numerous times asking if he would like my dh to bring her over or meet him somewhere he has no interest. My mil wants to come over ALL the time but on her terms when she wants to come which is usually during nap or bed time and gets mad when I constantly say no. She doesn’t come over to help she comes over sits on the couch asks whoever is there to make her something to eat and get her a drink all while telling my daughter if your mommy was here she would be mad cause I’m not supposed to be doing (insert something insane like showing my dd to pull up the carpet tiles). She has never offered any sort of help and I would never ever ask for or accept her help. She doesn’t really like kids and I think they overwhelm her. My parents are the total opposite my dad goes to a special grocery store every Friday cause he knows my daughter likes a specific treat. My mom comes over every single day for the hours right before dinner and bed when she knows Dd is already overtired and entertains her so that I can get dinner cooked. My mom also will call me when she is at a grocery store or wherever asking do I need anything not cause she thinks we can’t afford it thank gd we live very comfortably but because she knows between work and kids and everything else it’s really hard to get to the store. My parents have never been asked to do these things and there are no strings attached they do it cause they love their grand kids and want to see them and interact with them. They do it for all their kids including my brothers kids so it’s not just oh you are there daughter it’s just their mentality.
So really don’t expect anything from everyone’s parents and inlaws mentality is different and it could be they don’t even realize you want help if you don’t ask.
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