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FYI for women who don’t drive
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amother
Crimson


 

Post Sun, Jun 17 2018, 9:40 pm
I'm one of the first to point out chassish bashing on this site. But I don't this op as bashing chassidim. The reason she is adressing chassidim women is because those are the ones along for rides. And she knows plenty of them are polite and appreciative, but enough of them have been ride enough for her to stop giving rides. She's just giving a heads up. My husband stopped giving hitches to yeshiva bochurim because too many of them do unsafe things and are rude and act entitled. He very much supports yeshiva bochurim and thinks most do have good middos. But he's not interested anymore.

Signed,
Chassidish in Lakewood
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amother
Honeydew


 

Post Sun, Jun 17 2018, 9:44 pm
I am not chassidish, however my assistant at work is chassidish and I love her to pieces. she is sweet, refined, kind, giving... I can trust her with my heart and soul and I do. I consider her a close friend. We work with many other chassidish and non-chassidish women. We also have many chassidish clients... and what I find is that there are many many ehrliche sweet chassidish girls and women that I admire and respect... and there are also many many chassidishe women that I come in contact with that I find to be rude, disrespectful, selfish, and demanding. is there only ONE type when it comes to chassidish women? no. are non-chassidish women ALWAYS polite, respectful, and selfless? no. But in my experience I have seen a greater percentage of rudeness among chassidish women than among non-chassidish women. If you are chassidish and you are offended by this, I apologize... but now this makes me wonder...
are non-chassidish women seeing more rudeness among chassidish women because some chassidish women are only rude to non-chassidish women??? hmmmm just a theory!

I am not going to bash ALL chassidim, but yes, I live and work among chassidim and I see a general lack of derech eretz in the way many of them speak and act.

I'm with you OP. I remember as a kid, my mother gave many women rides in boro park and we were both turned off by their rudeness before, during, and after the ride.

not everyone fits a stereotype but stereotypes exist for a reason
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amother
Blush


 

Post Sun, Jun 17 2018, 9:50 pm
When someone asks for an unreasonable favor, I find it useful to call her out on it.

"Did you just ask me to go twenty minutes out of my way?"

Most stop there because they see they are being unreasonable. Sometimes I get, "But you're driving anyway."

"Yes, but not in that direction."

"It's only a few minutes."

"Do you realize that after I drop you off, I have to double back to get where I was going?"

Sometimes it really is like dealing with a child who thinks that you exist only when she sees you.

Now, if I call someone and say I'm driving to the supermarket and other errands, would she like a lift, of course I'll go out of my way. That's because I know I have the time. I do that sort of thing regularly.

Most nondrivers are polite, but there are a lot of clueless ones out there too.
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amother
Green


 

Post Sun, Jun 17 2018, 9:54 pm
I'm a Chassidish woman in Monsey that drives and have never had a bad experience giving rides to anyone. I am not trying to disprove OP's experiences, it's just interesting to me that all of the people I've given rides to were appreciative, polite and respectful. I've even gotten beautiful brochos from some of them.
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amother
Indigo


 

Post Sun, Jun 17 2018, 9:54 pm
I'm not chassidish, but I actually find chassidish women to be exceptionally humble and sweet. Chassidish boys, on the other hand...for some reason from boys aged about 7-13 I've experienced a lot of rudeness, pushing and general lack of derech eretz. I don't know what it is. Just my observations as non chassidish. I find the men to have about an equal proportion of rudeness and niceness to non-chassidish men.
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amother
Wine


 

Post Sun, Jun 17 2018, 10:02 pm
I really don't think this had anything to do with being rude or impolite- it's more about being clueless. At least thats my experience.
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amother
Powderblue


 

Post Sun, Jun 17 2018, 10:32 pm
amother wrote:
Take out the words Chassidish women and you wouldn’t have anyone bashing you.

I don’t like to be a attacked when I’d never act close to what you’ve described.


A perfect example of political correctness. We can't send the message to those who really need to hear it, because there are people part of this group who don't want to acknowledge the truth.

Yes, it is mostly the Chassidish women who act this way in this particular circumstance. They're the only group of women who are banned from driving, so they're mostly the only ones asking people for rides. And members of those group aren't aware what driving entails, how quickly those extra minutes and miles add up, and the difficulties of navigation. So as a result, the behaviors are very often questionable (as I, a Chassidish driver, among many Chassidish non- drivers neighbors, can attest to too).

The OP didn't call out all the Chassidish people, she specifically mentioned that there are those who behave appropriately. She is particularly calling out those that don't. And no, Yeshivish, Litvish and other women are generally not part of that group, since they drive their own cars. So I'm sorry that some of you Chassidish women take offense at this, but it's the truth. And yes, in that truth lies the understanding that its not a blanket cover for all Chassidish women.
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amother
Violet


 

Post Mon, Jun 18 2018, 12:08 am
Okay, let's try this:

Re: FYI for women who don’t drive

amother wrote:
(almost:) I live in Monsey and I drive. Many women here don’t drive, and I am often asked for rides. I used to say yes every time because I truly like to help, but not anymore. Here’s why.

Let’s say it’s 90 degrees outside. Or raining. Or snowing. Even if the weather is nice, if I am driving you somewhere, I’m doing you a favor. If someone is doing you a favor, you should act accordingly.

In the past,recipients of my chessed have said to me:
*Criticized me for not keeping my car cleaner. (I have little kids. If you don’t like it, WALK.)
*Ordered me around on how best to drive. If you think you know a Better route, politely offer it. Don’t shout in my ear, “Why did you take this road? Don’t you know it takes longer? Turn left at the next corner!” (I am NOT a chauffeur or taxi driver, and you should be polite to them, too.)
*”Was this your Shabbos shopping? WHAT, you do your Shabbos shopping on Thursday?? That’s SO last minute! I do my shopping on Wednesday.”
* “Take me to the fish store and then eait, because I also need to go to the bank.” (Because having a car means I have nothing else to do?). When I told someone I can’t do that, she said “What’s the big deal? All you have to do is push your foot on the pedal.”)

I am going to preempt all the naysayers who are going to jump in and say, “Gosh, I’ve been giving rides for years and only had positive experiences!” You cannot deny my own experiences by tellng me about your own. (But I know you’ll still say it, because after all this is imamother...)

And no, not everyone was annoying to me, but it happened often enough that I no longer say yes when asked unless it is an old lady. I even stop for old ladies and offer rides.

What’s the point of this post? To educate women who don’t drive for thair own sake. (Not for my sake, as I no longer drive you snywhere.)

FYI: If you are rude to those who help you, fewer offers of help will come your way. I, for one, no longer drive you around Monsey. If more drivers refuse as well, you might not know why. So I’m telling you.


Seems to me a fine post to raise awareness of the difficulty of this form of chessed.
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amother
Chocolate


 

Post Mon, Jun 18 2018, 1:38 am
Wow this post makes me so sad. I'm chassidish and never thought of myself , my family, and my friends as clueless or impolite. I always try to be polite and make a Kiddush hashem wherever I go.
I hardly ask people for rides, I spend a small fortune on taxis weekly. When someone offers me a ride I totally don't take it for granted that "they are going there anyway" and Im Very grateful that they are going out of their way for me!

It makes me so sad that I am viewed in such a negative light. I'm not taking away from ops experience. I'm genuinely sad how many people have had so many negative encounter s with chassidish women.
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myname1




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jun 18 2018, 1:50 am
amother wrote:
Wow this post makes me so sad. I'm chassidish and never thought of myself , my family, and my friends as clueless or impolite. I always try to be polite and make a Kiddush hashem wherever I go.
I hardly ask people for rides, I spend a small fortune on taxis weekly. When someone offers me a ride I totally don't take it for granted that "they are going there anyway" and Im Very grateful that they are going out of their way for me!

It makes me so sad that I am viewed in such a negative light. I'm not taking away from ops experience. I'm genuinely sad how many people have had so many negative encounter s with chassidish women.


Don't worry, I've met plenty of obnoxious people in the general non jewish world and the litvish world as well... I'd be surprised if all Chassidish women were amazing just like I'd be surprised if all other people were amazing. If your focus is on making a Kiddush Hashem, you're probably doing just that. And your family and friends are likely of similar mindset and behavior, so I think you're probably all set!
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tweety1




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jun 18 2018, 1:51 am
Op, I couldn't agree with you more! But, a big but I don't think it's davka chadidish. Lots of non chadidish don't drive. My dh is a chesed driver. He's had some very positive experiences but unfortunately some very negative too. Not necessarily from chasidish. Non chadidish too. People have treated him like garbage. Taking advantage from the fact that they're getting free rides. Those requests ppl come up with; treating my dh as if they hired him as their own personal chauffeur. It's the non chadidish ppl exactly equal to chasidish. It's part of doing chesed. My dh has learned that. And nothing will stop him cuz he loves doing chesed. He says it's part of the package.
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amother
Gray


 

Post Mon, Jun 18 2018, 3:18 am
Slightly off topic, but is it ok for chasidish woman who are not permitted to drive to go to neighbors and friends who drive and access rides with them? It seems like they are circumventing the rule. If my yeshiva says no tv and I go to my neighbors house 3x a week to watch, can I say I'm following my yeshiva no tv at home rule?
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