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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children
Teen daughter mother relationship



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amother
Goldenrod


 

Post Mon, Jun 18 2018, 2:26 am
My DD is 18. To put it nicely, our relationship is down to her snapping at just anything I say. I know she is stressed out because of exams and upcoming changes.
I always dreamed about having a good relationship with my kids. With this DD I feel that my relationship will be just the same way as my relationship with my mother.
It makes me so sad. Crying
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amother
Cyan


 

Post Mon, Jun 18 2018, 2:50 am
Can you create a no-pressure environment to enjoy her once in a while? Take her out for coffee, ice cream, pottery painting, or an art studio?

It sounds like your relationship right now is very business-oriented, which happens, but just like spouses need dates to keep the emotional connection alive, older teens sometimes do too.

Don't project too much, as you said DD is undergoing a stressful period right now. Things can and will get better. In the meantime your example of speaking softly and calmly even under stress can only help her.
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amother
Aquamarine


 

Post Mon, Jun 18 2018, 3:27 am
I have a relationship like this with one of my dd. I find it helps to work on complimenting her daily, hugging her daily and also finding something we have in common and enjoy together. for ex - walking down to the stores in the eve for milk/bread, a quick game of boggle, baking, something you can suggest every few days causally "I love your company down to the stores will you join me after supper..." "I was hoping to bake challah this eve, will you join me in the kitchen and do your fab brownies?"
it's an effort but worth it...she wont be home long and it will be great if she moves into the next stage of life with some good times- memories.
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amother
Tan


 

Post Mon, Jun 18 2018, 8:17 am
OP, is it possible your dd feels criticized by you? Do you make complaining-types of comments to her?
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amother
Seafoam


 

Post Mon, Jun 18 2018, 8:30 am
amother wrote:
My DD is 18. To put it nicely, our relationship is down to her snapping at just anything I say. I know she is stressed out because of exams and upcoming changes.
I always dreamed about having a good relationship with my kids. With this DD I feel that my relationship will be just the same way as my relationship with my mother.
It makes me so sad. Crying


Sounds like my mom, complaining that we aren't close.
But she is abusive, and she doesn't get she needs help Crying

Good Luck OP.
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PurpleandGold




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jun 18 2018, 8:42 am
amother wrote:
I have a relationship like this with one of my dd. I find it helps to work on complimenting her daily, hugging her daily and also finding something we have in common and enjoy together. for ex - walking down to the stores in the eve for milk/bread, a quick game of boggle, baking, something you can suggest every few days causally "I love your company down to the stores will you join me after supper..." "I was hoping to bake challah this eve, will you join me in the kitchen and do your fab brownies?"
it's an effort but worth it...she wont be home long and it will be great if she moves into the next stage of life with some good times- memories.


Beautiful, we all need to follow this recipe with our older kids: a daily hug, a daily compliment, and the occasional one on one "date"...that's how a loving connection is fostered.
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33055




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jun 18 2018, 10:52 am
I tell my older teens that it is ok when they want alone time or time with their friends versus me. I tell them they are doing their job growing independent. ( I HATE it! ) Could your daughter's interaction with you be hormonal ?
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jun 18 2018, 11:55 am
I'm lucky enough to have a close relationship with my teens. I credit taking parenting courses when they were young, and keeping a connection with mentors to keep me on track. Books like "How to talk so your kids will listen and listen so your kids will talk" are concepts that I honestly didn't know until I was exposed to them by mentors, and they are the basis of our relationship - creating a supportive environment for them, having realistic expectations, loving them, giving them space, and spending time with them, to name a few....

It's never to late to work on the relationship you dream of. Start by listening to her to when she snaps at you and saying something supportive, acknowledge her stress re: her exams and the changes you mention, say something to show you are hearing her and you care, and maybe choose times to show you care with something special (iced coffee, a milkshake, etc...are little things I try to pick up for my DD during exam time.)

In parenting, I've heard the concept of deposits and withdrawals - that is, you cannot withdraw that which you have not deposited - much like a bank account with no overdraft. Deposits in parenting are compliments, gifts, etc - anything that makes your child feel loved. Withdrawals are criticism, and anything your child is resistant to. Of course as parents we need to make lots of deposits, but we also sometimes need to make withdrawals. It sounds like you are at a point in your life where, for whatever reason, you need to make even more deposits, and maybe put the withdrawals on hold. Your daughter is giving you messages of stress, so criticism is not likely to be effective. Time to put that on hold for now, and build up your relationship with her with lots of deposits.
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amother
Plum


 

Post Mon, Jun 18 2018, 3:36 pm
I wish my mom had asked herself this question and actually did something about the state of our relationship.
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Fox




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jun 18 2018, 5:14 pm
What Chayalle said -- 100 percent!

Let me just emphasize the importance of realistic expectations.

When a child is niftar, we believe that he/she is immediately granted Gan Eden. So why do parents grieve? Isn't that ultimately the goal every parent has for his child? A parent whose child was guaranteed Gan Eden at 120 would be delighted. In fact, we are grieving for ourselves -- for the nachas we will miss from raising the child and seeing him move through the various stages of life.

There is a lesson in there for everyone. When we have a difficult relationship with a child, it's important to remember that the real goal is to raise a yiras Shemayim person -- a mentsch -- not to fulfill our fantasies of parenthood. The kind of relationships we have with our children as they get older are likely to be quite different from what we imagined.

Be open to the kind of relationship your DD wants and needs rather than what you would ideally like. You may find that giving up your ideal allows you to appreciate her far more -- thus giving you a lot more emotional currency to deposit.
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