Would you make her get a haircut?

seeker

Mon, Jun 18 2018, 9:32 pm

(this should generate some entertainment... actually I really want to hear some others' thoughts)

DD (7) has been growing her hair, just because she likes it that way - I mean, not aiming for a specific length to donate or anything. I find it a little high maintenance. It's quite thick, not curly but definitely not smooth and straight - it can get good and tangled, and she is not old enough to fully care for it herself. She'll comb it through after a bath (in which I still need to wash the hair; she does the body) and sometimes pull it into a pony herself but mostly it's my job. And it's LONG.

When we did haircuts before Pesach she decided she wanted to let it grow so I agreed to do just a slight trim but told her at the time that come summer, we do a proper haircut. During the summer she goes swimming twice a day and then plays in the dirt. Literal dirt. I feel like I'm going to spend the whole summer washing and detangling this, plus braiding etc (she wore braids to school a lot. It's easier when you do clean activities and don't need to wash the braids out every day.) I don't mind making braids, but at least when the hair is shorter it's more optional! And, well, shorter.

As summer approaches, this has become a bit of an ongoing kvetch. She says we can cut an inch. I say that will not address my concerns in the least, and that it will grow back before you know it.

I don't know whether I should hold my ground on this one. I'm pretty sure the long hair will be a royal pain. On the other hand hairstyles are quite personal and I'm not sure how much this could mean to my soon-to-be-preteen (it happens so fast!) Are my nightmares of spending the whole summer on haircare exaggerated?

SIGH. Dont know

amother

Pearl

Mon, Jun 18 2018, 10:45 pm

seeker wrote:

I can't even imagine what would be mutually acceptable here - it seems kind of either/or.

That's a starting point.

Some ideas I just thought of.

She has long hair, but agrees to learn to comb it herself and to do so

She has long hair, and agrees not to play in the dirt

She gets a haircut, but you buy her a cheap second hand pony wig for dressups

She gets a haircut and you all go out for pizza to celebrate

She will come up with something of your really can't.

amother

Mustard

Mon, Jun 18 2018, 11:40 pm

I had the opposite problem growing up. I had gorgeous hair and my mother never let me cut it, save for an inch or two to get rid of dead ends. My sister was allowed to do whatever she wanted with her hair because it wasn't this gorgeous flowing mane...

Truth be told, I loved my long hair, but I also wanted the freedom to choose short hair. I wasn't allowed that, and as soon as I moved away from home I chopped off all my hair. I felt so free, even though I missed it in some ways. I certainly feel a pang of longing when I see someone with long hair. (Mine had been around waist-length.)

As you said, hair is very personal. But as another poster said, I draw the line at kvetching...

If she makes it difficult for you, you can always tell her that she can grow it again in a few years when SHE can fully manage it.

imasinger

Tue, Jun 19 2018, 3:34 am

I'm going to share what I wish I had done.

What I actually did when DD was that age was wimp out and just let her grow it, washed it twice a week, encouraged it to stay in braids except on Shabbos.

What I should have done was set up a deal. Here's the idea for you:

"DD, you know that I had said we should cut your hair in the summer, because it gets so dirty when you play in the dirt, and you complain about washing and brushing. I hear that you still want to keep it long.

So I will be happy to let you keep growing your hair, if you can be responsible about the rules. The rules are that you don't play in dirt unless you are wearing a hat (a very good idea outside in the summer, anyways), we wash it every __ day(s), and you sit quietly while I brush it.

I am making a checklist. For every day you follow these rules, you get a check. ___ checks a week means that it will not get cut. If there aren't enough checks each week, it means that you're not keeping your end of the deal, and I will be taking you to get it cut."

Take her to a stylist, and let them sell you a good detangler and brush that works best for her hair.

If she isn't responsible enough, she will have visible evidence, and will probably not give more than a token whine about getting it cut.

amother

Oak

Tue, Jun 19 2018, 4:07 am

Get a great detangler and start combing from the bottom with a very wide tooth comb. I would let her have the long hair.

I had really long hair in school. I could sit on it. I had the pain problems when my mom brushed it and put it in a pony. I can remember the tears.

DD has really long hair also. She has the longest in the school. It takes me no time when I comb it out for her after a shower. I refuse to hurt her when I do, so I have gotten good I am done in under two minutes. DD takes at least 20 minutes to comb it out.

DD wants to cut her hair. I am against it, but I am willing to cut it because she will be covering it, so let her do what she wants now. The hairdresser told her last time it is too pretty to cut. I get the same thing when I go to cut my hair now.

amother

Peach

Tue, Jun 19 2018, 5:22 am

When I was 10 - 12 years old I was obsessed with long hair and grew mine out. It would have been devestating and heartbreaking for me if someone made me cut it. It was just a phase, and afterward I had medium length for a long time, but that was my decision.

Different situation because I was old enough to care for my hair by myself, but I'm still for letting her grow it out.

amother

Aqua

Tue, Jun 19 2018, 5:52 am

I feel it's very important to respect the child's wishes in this if you can make it easier, do that. Get advice for the hardship parts of it, let her learn to help. I feel like it's her body, she isn't wanting something out of norm, let her enjoy how she looks. 7 is old enough to learn to use a detangler and comb it. Tell her your concerns and let her think how to problem solve.

JoyInTheMorning

Tue, Jun 19 2018, 6:22 am

I have long, thick, wavy hair myself. It's actually very low maintenance once you learn to take care of it. I agree with amother oak that she needs

1. a wide-toothed comb
2. a good detangler (No More Tangles isn't bad, but the high-end detanglers are better)
3. to comb from the bottom up

To this I'd add

4. a decent shampoo (the conditioning ones from Tresemme should work)
5. a smooth or satiny-textured pillowcase so her hair doesn't rough up and tangle at night

It takes a bit of time to learn how to comb from the bottom up. And it takes time to do it. But beyond that, long hair is the easiest thing in the world. There's never an urgent need for a haircut; I've gone for more than six months without a haircut without it ever looking overgrown. It's easy to put up or in a ponytail. I never mastered the art of braiding my own hair but they look beautiful on kids.

The one disadvantage to long hair is lice. Oy, the comb outs, which have to be done with a fine-toothed comb. I devised a no-chemical not-too-arduous system for this as well -- the trick is to do the wide-toothed comb out before the fine-toothed comb out, and to wet the hair just the right amount before putting on conditioner -- but I hope I never have to do that again. But if your daughter wears her hair in braids to school and camp, the likelihood of getting them is minimized.

I also think that seven years old is plenty old enough to start making decisions about one's own body, as long as safety and health aren't endangered. A little extra dirt just doesn't bother me that much.

Bnei Berak 10

Tue, Jun 19 2018, 6:40 am

amother wrote:

Totally agree with you. Also kvetching during combing=cutting. With long hair comes responsibility.

JoyInTheMorning

Tue, Jun 19 2018, 6:49 am

Regarding kvetching while combing:

It hurts less when you comb your own hair then when someone else combs your hair, which is another reasoning for encouraging your dd to learn to comb her own hair as soon as she's able. (Some kids don't have the dexterity for a while, but the exercise of combing is itself a good way to promote increased strength.) But either way, the secret to avoiding pain is to hold the part of the hair that you're combing so that when you comb, you're not pulling on your (or your kid's) head. So if you're combing the bottom three inches of some section of hair, you hold that section of hair at the three inch point, and then comb. I'm not explaining this well, but hopefully someone else can chime in.

Also, when you put in the detangler, make sure to put enough on the tangled sections, and give it a little time to work.

I don't like the idea of telling a kid that if she complains during the combing process, you'll cut it. You're the one who's not doing an optimal job of combing it, but you'll punish her for expressing herself? Learn to do it so it doesn't cause pain. It's not that big a deal. A lot easier than ironing shirts and scrubbing baked on grease.

amother

Fuchsia

Tue, Jun 19 2018, 6:59 am

I never thought to give a 7 year old a choice about growing her hair. I think thats too young for her to completely take care of it on Her own. Once she hits an age where she can (maybe 9?) I’d allow it. Until then, no way! Also, it often looks messy and unhygienic in such young children.

Amarante

Tue, Jun 19 2018, 7:21 am

Long hair is much lower maintenance than short hair in a style. Once it's longish, the extra amount of length really doesn't have much of an impact.

I had waist length hair as a child but it was braided almost always. It was only loose for special occasions. My mother and Bubbe (my Bubbe did the braids in the morning as my mother worked) were extremely low maintenance in terms of cosmetic stuff so I doubt they would have let me have long hair if it was high maintenance for them.

As others have posted, if your daughter is willing to let you comb her hair and let's you put it in a low maintenance style (I.e. pony or braids) for the most part, let her be. Cutting hair is traumatic - I wanted to cut my hair and I still remember it being somewhat traumatic. I can't imagine my memories if my mother had forced me to cut it.

amother

Denim

Tue, Jun 19 2018, 11:07 am

I forestalled the whole issue from the outset by letting my dd know as soon as she reached the age of reason that she could have hair as long as she liked just as soon as she was old enough to take care of it on her own. And that’s what she did. She was adorable at six with a short mop of thick curls and she’s a stunning adult with a thick pelt halfway down her back.