Kiddush for baby girl - but we cant afford it

Miri7

Thu, Jun 21 2018, 1:12 am

amother wrote:

We did a small dessert ‘kiddush’ for my daughter, only for the families on my floor of our building. It was beautiful and intimate, and cost barely anything. It also allowed us to actually spend time with and socialize with our close neighbors. It was definitely something different, but everyone appreciated it!

That sounds so nice - and you got to involve your close neighbors who I bet feel closer to your DD because of it. Very sweet.

amother

Wheat

Thu, Jun 21 2018, 3:53 am

My dh says - when you sponsor a kiddush in Shul you are paying for everyone to eat even if you don’t know them
When you make something at home, it’s for all your friends and people who care about you will come

essie14

Thu, Jun 21 2018, 5:36 am

We go to a shul with hundreds of families. We are friendly with maybe 1/4 of them. We don't make any smachot in the shul; it's way too cost prohibitive and we barely know most of the people. We also have a lot of friends who don't live within walking distance of our shul. We made a weekday Simchat Bat when our daughter was born, and a weeknight evening Bar Mitzvah for our son.

imasoftov

Thu, Jun 21 2018, 9:56 am

Green amother wrote:

In some circles there is an inyan to have a kiddish for a baby girl. There are sources and good reasons for it.

I wasn't going to ask the OP for them, but let's see those sources.

amother

Amber

Sun, Jun 24 2018, 8:21 am

OP here.
Thank you so much for all your suggestions.

Sugestion 1: Make something for close friends at home.
Great idea but does not work. We live on 45 squaremeters and the livingroom is tiny and full with changing table and babystuff and it is not fancy, let alone nice, I would be so ashamed to let anyone in.

Suggestion 2: Candy buffet.
Also an amazing idea and a novelty here. But candy is as expensive as cake in my place plus I need a bunch of fancy glass stuff and tables which I either have to rent or buy which will also be costly. And I would still have to decorate it nicely and accommodate a lot of ladies coming.

So I am really desperate.

ra_mom

Sun, Jun 24 2018, 9:10 am

amother wrote:

I would put all the baby stuff in the bedroom and still do a small kiddush at home if possible.

cozyblanket

Sun, Jun 24 2018, 9:20 am

ra_mom wrote:

I would put all the baby stuff in the bedroom and still do a small kiddush at home if possible.

Agreed. Spend time moving the baby stuff... Whatever is left is fine. The close friends you invite won't care.

The idea to ask a friend to host is also good. You can buy clear plastic trays that are cheap, no need for glass (are there things like the "dollar store" there?). Also, some of those stores have cheap glassware too.

DS's shalom zachor was hosted at a friend. It was what worked at the time.

I am sorry that this is such as stress for you. May you have an enjoyable simcha. Mazel tov!

rdmom

Sun, Jun 24 2018, 9:52 am

We hold to do the kiddish the Shabbos after baby is born. But my daughter was born the week before Rosh hashana, which was on Shabbos that year. And davening finishes really late as is. Nobody wants to stay in shul after 5 for a kiddish. So we made it in the shul my husband davened during the week. On Thursday. After leining. Gave her the name then. Brought out some cake and whiskey. And had a beautiful kiddish and well wishes. People loved it cuz it was so different and they got a treat in middle of the week.

rdmom

Sun, Jun 24 2018, 9:53 am

amother

Green

Sun, Jun 24 2018, 10:39 am

Op it sounds like the peer pressure is a lot for you. Ask your husband to help you get past it, and focus on the purpose and meaning of the kiddish so that you are motivated to do it for that reason alone, and impressing your neighbors with your kiddish won’t be your focus. Or just do it during the weekday when there are only men in shul.
Also, how much total did you plan to spend on the bris and Shalom zachor (and maybe vach nacht if that’s your minhag )? See if that amount can get you something decent in shul. I imagine that it should. Although not on the standard of others, still appropriate.

israelimom

Mon, Jun 25 2018, 1:02 pm

OP -- if you can't live and celebrate within your means because you feel forced to comply with others' standards, then move. Make aliyah. Live a beautiful, tzanua and ruchani life free from the evil materialism that is permeating your kehillah. That is the very definition of הרחק משכן רע.

heidi

Mon, Jun 25 2018, 1:25 pm

israelimom wrote:

I'm really trying to understand OP's position. It's so hard for me to understand why she can't make a small kiddush in her home.
So I'm trying to put myself in her position, but regarding weddings which is more my stage of life.
My community's standard is 4-5 hot stations at a smorg. A full dinner for all the guests.
Now what if I came on here and told everyone I couldn't afford to make that kind of wedding and was too embarassed to do something simpler?
I live in Israel where there are all types of weddings. But my community has a certain standard. . .
OP, I understand the pressure, but in the end of the day you shouldn't be embarrassed to live and celebrate within your means.
Much better than borrowing money or going into debt to try to keep up with the neighbors.
Just my opinion.

amother

Orchid

Mon, Jun 25 2018, 5:05 pm

amother wrote:

That's what we did. We sent $100 to a Shul in a different city to sponsor the Kiddush in honor of our daughter's birth. They have a Kiddush every week, it's fancier with a sponsor.

Dear OP, my heartfelt Mazel tov for you!! Hashem shall grant you the insight to choose what is best for your family.

When our daughter was born we didn't live near a frum shul so we sponsored a Kiddush in a shul where we had friends. The cost was around 100 $.

Otherwise I find the solution to either move all your stuff for one day to your bedroom and not to care about the state of your living room and just fill it with some cakes, drinks and Nachas, because everybody who will come will be happy for you and that's what counts after all. Or your husband should bring some whiskey and cake on a weekday. Don't think about it too much, just do either one...

creditcards

Mon, Jun 25 2018, 5:40 pm

Wow. I have 3 girls. I wasn't even involved in the Kiddush of either of them. I think I was still in the hospital. Baby was born Friday and Kiddush on Shabbos. By us whoever needs to make a Kiddush chips in. And there is one Kiddush in shul for everyone. The gabbai takes care of it. The more people had babies that week the cheaper it comes out. And it's just for the people davening there. Nothing for the women. It was in the range of $150 to $350 depends which child...

Mommyg8

Fri, Jun 29 2018, 7:26 pm

watergirl wrote:

Its fear mongering.

The rabbomin cant “hold” that your daughter wont find her shidduch! Its not up to them! Why do people give these rebbes such power?

Yes, I’ve heard the stories about the girls who didnt get married and they asked the holy rav for eitza and he asked about a kiddish and alas... no one offered brachas of mazel at a newborn’s kiddish, so the poor 20 year old needed a kiddish asap so people can have a slice of cake and wish mazel tov, thereby changing the girl’s mazel...

It's not fear mongering, it's true. I've heard that Rav Chaim Kanievzky has said this. And this actually happened to a friend of mine. She had an older girl in shidduchim, and shortly after she made the kiddish (a very small affair) her daughter got engaged.

Some cake and shnaps and a minyan would be enough, though, I think.

ILOVELIFE

Fri, Jun 29 2018, 7:40 pm

Omg this price is wild. We paid $250 or so when our daughter was born towards a very simple kiddish that the Shul has each week.

I have been to many gvirim’s kiddush here and a super ostentatious one was 1000 or so. I can’t wrap my mind around 4500!

amother

Emerald

Fri, Jun 29 2018, 7:49 pm

Mommyg8 wrote:

And my daughters had big kiddush, but not $4500 worth, they're in their 30s and single. Not everyone who makes a kiddush will be successful in shidduchim.