Quality Vs. Quantity Time

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Forum -> Working Women

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little_mage

Tue, Jun 19 2018, 9:02 am

I don't have any tips for the practical side of things. However, my mother worked full time when I was a child. I've never doubted that she loved me. I'm in no way traumatized from not being with her all the time. I just wanted to reassure you that you are not harming your baby by going to work.

observer

Tue, Jun 19 2018, 9:05 am

I would suggest, don't rush to get your baby to sleep through the night. He/she may wake at nights to be with you. I never worked that many hours, but when my babies wake at night, I nurse them and spend time with them, and value that bonding time, even if its at an unearthly hour.

Mommyg8

Tue, Jun 19 2018, 10:01 am

OP, I was the one who said that I did that, and I regretted it. BUT, and this is a big BUT, I made a lot of mistakes. So, if someone can learn from them...

1. The biggest - make sure that the babysitter is really good. If your baby cries consistently for long periods of time when dropping off, and/or he/she appears unhappy and sad when you pick him up, find another babysitter. Even if she's your best friend, and even if another babysitter will be a little less convenient. I had a bad experience with my babysitter which I can't say here as this is a public forum and I'm under my SN. I stuck with her because she was my friend, and I was young and naive and I thought this was normal. It's not!

2. Many have said this, but I've really seen this so many times that I think it's a fact - consistency is key. Having the same babysitter throughout the day and not shuttling between different babysitters can really make a huge difference.

And just basics - I'm sure you know that you don't have to kill yourself to make four course gourmet meals or have a spotless house. And - you ask which is better, quantity or quality - you can still give your baby plenty of quantity time when you are home - weekends are long, and you can still see your baby at night. That's probably more quantity time than a mother of a large family will give her baby.

Hatzlacha!

pesek zman

Tue, Jun 19 2018, 10:35 am

amother wrote:

While I dont have tips, I must come here with support. I can't believe how many women are saying cut down hours to live more simply.....obviously, these women dont understand that you need tho job to pay basic bills and you are not working or luxuries. I know BC I'm in the Same situation. And I can tell you that I do spend quality time with them in the evenings and it's fine. Dont let others make you feel guilty. Of course, you would love to be a sahm but clearly dont have a choice.

Even sahms who are home with their children send their children to playgroup(school) by 1 and Half or 2 yrs old for socialization...

Yes, you can be a good mom even if you work long hours. Just make the most of the evening time with your baby.

This. My baby has been in full time (9 hour a day) daycare since 4 months because I work. BH I work! BH I have a job that helps support me and my family and gives us a roof over our heads and great benefits. My husband is chronically unemployed but can't be a stay at home dad because he is looking for work. Meetings, interviews, networking. We

The schedule that OP is describing isn't particularly long hours: it sounds to me like a regular 8 hour day + commute. Real life for most of us! The middle class necessitates work. Many professionals can't just 'cut back' or 'work from home' Get s clue, people!

OP: For me, cooking for the week during nap time on Sunday was really helpful. Cleaning was Thursday night (by my husband) after baby is asleep

Its hard but so doable!!!!!

amother

Cerise

Tue, Jun 19 2018, 12:11 pm

perquacky wrote:

I'm sure if the OP could cut down on her hours, she would find a way to do it. For many of us, it's just not possible.
It's an easy suggestion to throw out there, but often it's not very helpful. Suggesting ideas on how to maximize the quality of the time you have with your baby ——those are the helpful suggestions.

👌

Thanks perquacky.

amother

Cerise

Tue, Jun 19 2018, 12:15 pm

amother wrote:

OP,
Since you will only have a few hours at home at night after work, definitely figure out a plan of how the housework and meals will get done. Hopefully you can delegate to your spouse or get some part time help at home. Worse case scenario would be spending a lot of time on Sunday to cook meals ahead of time and freeze. Or get used to using the crockpot for meals. This is so when you are home, you can spend as many undistracted moments with your family. Notice I said family. You will be tempted to spend all your free moments with your precious baby to make up for being at work, but don't make the mistake of doing this at the cost of time with your spouse. This is so you can continue to function as a family instead of on "survival mode" where every man is for himself/herself. Also, make sure you have some "me" time with yourself. 10 minutes a day, somehow. And think about setting up shopping online accounts for food, supplies, etc. Although I have never used the grocery online shopping service, I have set up orders for items on a recurring basis. Target often has free shipping for many of their items.

Thanks for your tips- especially the bolded!

amother

Cerise

Tue, Jun 19 2018, 12:26 pm

cinnamon wrote:

I second co sleeping if you can do it safely it'll also help you get enough sleep.

If you can wake the baby up to have some snuggle time in the morning that would be great and once the baby starts eating solids try to have one meal that you give him and not the babysitter also try to do baths yourself but only if it doesn't stress you to much.

A child psycologist once told me that it's the predictability that give a child a sense of security and not the amount of time that he is with you vs with a babysitter so if he knows that you always come home before supper time/bath time/some other set time he will have a healthy attachment even if he is with someone else most of the day.

I was already planning on doing the snuggle in the morning. That's the type of tips I was looking for.

Quote:

You have to remember taht Hashem doesn't make mistakes. He gave this child you as a mother and he gave you the circumstances to make you work these hours. You're doing what you think is right and so that IS whats best for your child.

Definitely.
I'm so so thankful to Hashem that I have a job, a job that I like and that pays my bills. I'm working to provide for my family, I'm doing my hishtadlus.
I appreciate the support,

amother

Linen

Tue, Jun 19 2018, 12:33 pm

With infants, touch is very important to their development. That's why co-sleeping, breastfeeding, and babywearing are very helpful.

Also hearing your voice. Talking to your baby might sound dumb, but it adds comfort, security, and familiarity.

As the kid gets older, eye contact. Holding baby facing you rather than away. Carriage/stroller that faces you so that you can talk and look at baby.

Hatzlacha!

amother

Cerise

Tue, Jun 19 2018, 12:44 pm

Thank u so much to everyone who responded with support. I Am not quoting each one but I am definitely taking support.

amother

Cerise

Tue, Jun 19 2018, 12:48 pm

pesek zman wrote:

The bolded - That's how I feel!!!

I was hoping you would respond because I know u have a good attitude about this.

I see posters who write About their long hours and just wanted support.

amother

Yellow

Tue, Jun 19 2018, 12:51 pm

OP, know that it gets easier with time. I assume you're in the US and will go back to work at six weeks... it'll get easier once your baby is three months old and out of the 'newborn' stage.

That being said, the one thing I regret was rushing to prepare supper, do laundry, etc. while my baby was being needy and just wanted to be held after having been away all day. I was so exhausted that I viewed my baby as 'being in the way' and 'keeping' me from accomplishing everything else that had to be done. Thank G-d it hit me after a few weeks and my dh agreed to late suppers/helping out more so that I could give my baby the time he needed.

It's 17 years and a number of children later, I'm still working (almost full time) and can tell you that it can work out ok. Just stay focused on your role as a Mommy and you'll do great!

pesek zman

Tue, Jun 19 2018, 1:34 pm

amother wrote:

The bolded - That's how I feel!!!

I was hoping you would respond because I know u have a good attitude about this.

I see posters who write About their long hours and just wanted support.

Please feel free to PM me!

farm

Tue, Jun 19 2018, 3:43 pm

I think it's Fox who usually points out the falicy in twisting oneself into a pretzel in order to 'be there' for their baby and then joining the work force a few years later, when the tuition bills start coming in. The baby years are actually the best time to be into your job because young children need food, warmth, and love, which are outsource-able. After a few good years excelling in the workplace, it is much more likely for one to have either leverage to request more flexible hours or experience to move on to a different position with better hours. And the preteen and older years are the years when your kids really need YOU. They want to talk about their friends drama or that their teacher hates them or that they are scared of the dark, etc. Basically, a good babysitter will not be able to provide the emotional care they need so by investing in getting your career on track during babyhood (when a good babysitter is meeting their needs), you will iyH be able to have more physical time to spend with them when they get older.

octopus

Tue, Jun 19 2018, 3:49 pm

You need to do what is in the best interest of your family. Sometimes that means mom cutting her hours, and sometimes that means mom working more hours. But every situation is different.

farm

Tue, Jun 19 2018, 3:51 pm

Ok some tips-
Definitely the snuggling/co sleeping/extended nursing with the baby.
Sleep schedule that maximizes your time with little ones if that works for you- I.e. late bedtime (9/10 instead of the 6/7 type my non working friend do) so you can all be together for dinner and then you can own the bedtime routine. If you are a morning person type then ignore this and flip- start the morning with baby really early before work and do a wake up and breakfast routine.
Do chores with little ones. Don't be playing toys and games because that's what good mommies do while you are stressing about your to do list. Do the list with the kids. They consider folding laundry and cooking and mopping the floor as awesome ways to play!
Feel confidant that you are doing your hishtadlus and H doesn't make mistakes.

Woman of Valor

Tue, Jun 19 2018, 4:18 pm

Good luck, OP!
Remember that research suggests that 0 to 3 are the foundational years that will affect your child's lifelong self-concept and approach to relationships. So I don't agree with posters who said baby's just need food, hugs, which are easily outsourcable etc. - they need someone who will form a secure trusting emotional attachment with them especially if so many hours per day. So as long as it is the right person. Even if you need to pay more or drive farther do it if it means you will get quality care!

Mommyg8

Tue, Jun 19 2018, 5:02 pm

farm wrote:

I'm not addressing the OP at all, but this is regarding the bolded - not all jobs work that way, and not everyone is in that position. I completely understand that a woman will have to work crazy hours or go to school or whatever for the short term in order to solidify her position in the workforce, but not all jobs are like that. Not all jobs allow for flexibility later on, no matter how many hours you put in in the beginning. I think I'm just questioning how putting in hours now allows you to be more available for your children when they are older. It's certainly not a hard and fast rule.

amother

Emerald

Fri, Jun 22 2018, 9:52 am

I work full time, though not quite as long as you. Here are some tips - oldest is a happy and confident 5 year old now who loves being with me but is fine when she isn't - people can't stop telling me how well-adjusted and happy she is in relation to a lot of other kids. She also has had almost no separation anxiety over her life years, it even surprised me. So you can have happy, well-adjusted, secure, and confident kids even if you work a lot!

If you have housework to do, try to do it at times when the baby is sleeping. If you need to do some when baby is awake, try babywearing so baby is on you when possible. Another important aspect is narrating - I narrated literally everything I did for months - talking is a great form of bonding and learning. When my baby was a few months old (even just 3-4 months), she started cooing back at me while I was talking and we would have 'conversations' while I did things - I would pause when she cooed or pause and wait for her to coo, and then respond. If you aren't babywearing (that's fine, I hated it, and did it very infrequently, so don't feel bad if you don't want to), make sure to pause and make eye contact very often while talking, and pause to touch or stroke your baby as often as possible. Of couse, make sure to place your baby where she can see you. The talking really helped though.

The little 'chores' we do for our babies (diapering, getting dressed, feeding, etc.) are all moments that can be used for bonding. During each diaper change or getting dressed or undressed, you can sing to your baby or say nursery rhymes, and tickle or play little finger/toe games (think this little piggy or round and round the garden, etc.). If yo uare breastfeeding, use that time to interact with your baby - make frequent eye contact, tell stories, sing songs, read a book out loud to them, and cudling. If you are bottle feeding, while after work it is sometimes easier to just hand over the bottle and go do other things, you can use the time to cuddle, make eye contact, tell stories, sing songs, etc. . . For an older baby, mealtime in a high chair is also a great time to talk and bond.

If you can and want to co-sleep, go for it. I actually skipped the co-sleeping - I found that between working full time and having a baby, I needed my own sleep in my own space in order to be sane and functional. So don't feel bad if it doesn't work for you! I kept baby in a crib next to my bed at night so we were close to each other, and both baby and I slept better when we weren't in the same bed, and we were both happier during the day when we slept better at night. Do what works for you. But middle of the night feedings are a good time for cuddling either way!

Have the babysitter/nanny/carer be the same person all day, every day. The consistency really helps the baby feel secure in general, which will make it easier for both of you. If you can get a nanny one-on-one (I.e., she is just watching your baby, I found that was very helpful), it is like having another mom - my daughter still has a great relationship with the woman who watched her during her first year and a half. In general though, I have found for my dd, a place with one caretaker and a smaller the group of babies is better than a larger place with a few caretakers - the bonding with one immediate caretaker and having that caretaker meet all your needs is great for baby's sense of security. That isn't to say that larger places with a few caretakers wouldn't be good, some are amazing, it is just what worked better for us.

It will be ok - your baby will be well taken care, and that is the most important thing. Nothing can take your relationship away, and investing in your quality time is the way to go!

amother

Sienna

Fri, Jun 22 2018, 10:59 am

Interesting how everyone stresses one babysitter. My baby goes to a morning babysitter, then my husband watches him during his lunch (kollel schedule, 2-3:30)
Then he goes to another babysitter from 330 to 5, when I pick him up.

Obviously this won't work for most people, but it was really nice for us. I feel like we had much more control over the baby's schedule. my husband got to spend time with the baby during the day, giving him bottles and cuddles etc

amother

Floralwhite

Fri, Jun 22 2018, 12:10 pm

you have been given some great advise here op. just want to add that your attitude is everything. so if you come in from work apologising to your baby and babysitter for being out so long etc etc and feel guilty through the work its going to be felt by your baby (who will iyh quickly be a toddler)
if you are firm in "this is what I need to do for our family " and "im doing my very very best " that's a big deal.

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