Daughter bullying my son

amother

Coral

Thu, Jun 28 2018, 7:31 pm

My 5 year old daughter is bullying my 3 .5 year old son. For real. She hurts him physically. Grabs things from him, tricks him, belittles him, and gets her other siblings to gang up against him.
It is horrible to watch. She has always been a negative attention seeker. And he is an annoying little brother. But I don’t k is how to make this stop. His self esteem is gone. He hides behind my skirt. And she is obviously hurting to be acting this way.
Please please help

amother

Jetblack

Thu, Jun 28 2018, 7:38 pm

Sounds like you need to shower your daughter with love.

Laiya

Thu, Jun 28 2018, 8:10 pm

OP, how do you respond when your dd does these things?

amother

Firebrick

Thu, Jun 28 2018, 9:22 pm

amother wrote:

Sounds like you need to shower your daughter with love.

I was waiting for someone to say this. How do we know OP isn't showering her daughter with love? Maybe she already is doing that.. I had one like this. Some kids crave attention to the point that no matter how much you give them they're never satisfied. You do need to give her loving attention but she needs clear boundaries and consequences too. You're walking a narrow tightrope here OP figuring out how to let her know how much you love her and also that was she's doing is not acceptable.

familyfirst

Thu, Jun 28 2018, 11:34 pm

Five is still young. Time outs should work.
Short term: stop the negative behavior and separate the kids. Warning about time out. Time out of this continues.
When things relax, talk to her about what triggers her bullying. What steps can be taken that brother isnt so annoying? Can some toys be left in her room? Can she have more space when playing?

On the flip side, Your son needs to know that he is safe with you and that you will protect him. As he matures you can have a conversation about not being annoying.

amother

Jetblack

Fri, Jun 29 2018, 12:10 am

amother wrote:

I was waiting for someone to say this. How do we know OP see isn't showering her daughter with love? Maybe she already is doing that....

Of course. But I was responding to the language of the op, referring to "my son", but not "my daughter" in the heading, and some of the other language indicating she was quite sick of the behavior. Which makes it so much harder to be loving (I know coz btdt). OP did mention that DD must be hurting to act like that, but it was kind of at the end, like this point was almost forgotten.

But you're right, none of us have any idea so either we say nothing or offer what we can and op will work out what I best for her situation.

amother

Mint

Fri, Jun 29 2018, 12:20 am

Bullying can have devastating consequences on the victim. Give him lots of 1:1 attention, tell him that you are working to make sure daughter learns how to be nice, and he should always tell you if he gets hurt. Tell him no one is allowed to hurt him ever. Important so that he doesn't become vulnerable to abuse later.

amother

Brown

Fri, Jun 29 2018, 4:49 am

Ugh that sounds so familiar and I can't give any advice because I pretty sure I messed up so badly and it's one of my biggest regrets.
I became more and more angry and frustrated , after a while I couldn't stand dd anymore. I just couldn't understand how someone so young (she was 3 when it started) could be so full of hate and destructive behaviour.
I think my behavior just made it worse. I always punished her, yelled at her ... Sometimes I tried to talk to her and spend some quality time but I guess her jealousy got the best of her. These two still have a terrible relationship. The little one has such low self esteem and always wanting her big sisters approval on anything. Meanwhile I have the feeling the older one can't stand her sister and still hurts her whenever noone is looking. Sometimes I overhear how she talks to her it breaks my heart every single day. As I said ... One of my biggest regrets that I didn't get help then. I feel like I can't change it anymore since it's been going on for so long.

Ruchel

Fri, Jun 29 2018, 5:52 am

No benefit for bullying. I'd punish and send out and only give benefits when she is behaving. Sorry but no. You imagine what the little one feels being bullied and then seeing you get all awwwww about the bully? wth?

amother

Coral

Fri, Jun 29 2018, 6:13 am

Tx for responding. I was really feeling desperate when I posted. Just to be clear, my daughter is smart cute lovable and loved. I have several little ones all vying for attention but I try hard and find ways to make them feel special and give them individual attention...
It is so painful to see what is happening to my son. And so hard to watch my daughters behavior.
My dilemma is I that in letting my son know that that behavior is unacceptable and that I will protect him, I am also pushing my daughter away.
for now I have explained to my daughter that when I cannot be in a room with my son neither can she... so when I’m putging the baby to sleep she has to wait for me in her room. (she’s the only one with her own room so we made it pretty n she can keep her toys there)
But I do not see an end in sight and I do t know how to help her

unexpected

Fri, Jun 29 2018, 7:07 am

amother wrote:

You are not pushing her away, you are teaching her. After a few days of this you can plan a time for her to be in the same room as her brother (for 5 min) with the clear expectation that she will not hurt him. If she succeeds, you praise generously and arrange more learning opportunities. If she doesn’t, it’s back to this arrangement for a few days. If you are truly consistent (I understand it’s a crazy hard thing to do) the problem should be cleared up pretty quickly.
Also, she should understand that if ch”v someone was hurting her, you would do everything possible in the world to protect her as well. (I assume u told her this already but mentioning just in case)

thunderstorm

Fri, Jun 29 2018, 8:30 am

It is extremely hard. I have this with my two youngest. Ironically the bullying child is the one from all my kids that got the most attention since I was a SAHM mom from when he was born until he went to school. I also had my biggest break between him and the sibling afterward.
However he is 12 now and it's has gotten worse and worse. My other son has zero self esteem at this point and I will have to put them both into therapy because of this. It is my hardest part of child rearing.
I've once had a heart to heart discussion with my son that bully's his brother and he frankly told me that he never got over the fact that his brother was born. He tells this to his brother all the time to the point where my eight year old asked me one day "Mommy when am I just going to be thrown out of this family? Moshe says that I wasn't supposed to be born, so when are you getting rid of me".
The bullied kid beats himself up all the time and calls himself deragatory names all the time. It is extremely heartbreaking and it's very serious.
My father told me that he wa bullied by his only brother (my father is the youngest) and he said he destroyed him. My father hates his brother and has not spoken to him or have any relationship with him since they became adults.
At first when they were younger I thought it was a passing phase. But now I see that it's deep seeded and needs serious and professional intervention at this point.
This has nothing to do with not giving enough positive attention . It's something much deeper. 😢

amother

Firebrick

Fri, Jun 29 2018, 9:20 am

thunderstorm wrote:

It is extremely hard. I have this with my two youngest...

At first when they were younger I thought it was a passing phase. But now I see that it's deep seeded and needs serious and professional intervention at this point.
This has nothing to do with not giving enough positive attention . It's something much deeper. 😢

This.

Giving any child love and positive attention is a great thing but by itself it won't change a bully into a kind caring person.

The only thing I would change is the bolded.
No need to wait until it's that serious.

carrot

Fri, Jun 29 2018, 9:28 am

This is heartbreaking. (OP as well as follow-up posts.)

I wonder if Izzy Kaman can help. His approach is to empower the kid being bullied.

Here is his website: https://bullies2buddies.com

amother

Brown

Fri, Jun 29 2018, 10:29 am

amother wrote:

I just wish I knew what went wrong? In my case I guess I lost when I took sides and (I know this sounds aweful ) started disliking dd . I really had to force myself to be nice to her sometimes. But why did it start?

amother

Amethyst

Fri, Jun 29 2018, 10:48 am

Ruchel wrote:

Nobody's saying give her positive attention for bullying. Obviously the behavior has to stop. Many kids do it as a form of attention-seeking. If they're not getting enough positive attention, they can look for attention in a negative way. So a possible solution is to give more positive attention - not during the bullying, of course - so that fills her need for attention and she won't need to look for it by hurting her brother.

OP remember they are both your children and they both need your help and guidance in learning to become healthy adults. Don't choose sides, just make sure the hurting stops.

mommy201

Fri, Jun 29 2018, 11:03 am

amother wrote:

Op this sounds so hard!!
I like how everyone is quick to point out that your son is the one with low self-esteem. I believe your daughter probably needs a boost to her self esteem as well to help her mature to be able to deal with her emotions. This only comes through Connection. Not attention, but connection. Attention is very superficial and like a band aid, while connection is connection with your child on a deeper level. To look inside and see them for who they are. Kids can sense this.
She could probably use some quality, connection time just with you a couple of times a week. Even if it’s for 10 minutes. Just let her do what she wants and no judgement. In the moment, she needs empathy. When she hurts your son or grabs away, say “DD I know you really want that so badly right? Or I know your feeling so upset now about something, at the same time, we can’t use our hands to hurt or grab away, if we are upset about something, we can say “ I’m so upset right now, I really want to grab this away….” ….. I know this seems a little idealistic, but it definitely does work, though it can take some time.
Punishing her, time out, threatening… (all forms of punishment) are not in essence teaching her anything. If anything it is making her more mad and any logic that a little girl has at that age wont be heard or understood, because her brain is in flight or fight mode. Kids are pretty smart and they feel that their mother thinks or knows that they are bad, that won’t help them change to become good. If a mother is understanding, empathizing and helps the child deal with their emotions, the child feels understood and eventually can change the negative traits. My older daughter used to also be mean to my younger one and it would drive me insane. But when I learned and changed my approach to how to go about it, there were huge changes bh! And everyone is so much happier!

What would probably also help, is that during the time that she is not “bullying” your son, comment and compliment on the positive, on how she’s playing so nicely… Wow… Your so proud of her… doing a great job!

Another great tip to do, but at a later time. Give her stories from yourself, husband…. Examples of times that things were hard for you… you wanted to hurt and you wanted to grab away but you didn’t. Give stories and examples about kindness….. These kind of things make a huge impact on kids. I recommend the book “Sara, the bucket filler” – you can get on Amazon.

After an incident with your son, spend some time with her and talk to her in a non-judging way about how she felt, let her come up with ideas on how she can do it differently next time, ask her if she wants you to remind her…. Let her roll-play with you…

All the above knowledge, I learned from the parenting course I took with Blimie Heller. I strongly recommend it to everyone with children of all ages. It’s life changing!

Laiya

Fri, Jun 29 2018, 2:49 pm

OP, it's hard to offer advice without knowing the specifics. But your first priority must be to stop the behavior.

Please don't psychoanalyze your dd. It doesn't matter what emotional state is driving this behavior; you must end it. When dd engages in this behavior, she needs to experience immediate consequences and removal. Your facial expression and tone should communicate the severity of the behavior.

When everyone is calm, discuss why the behavior was wrong. Of course, you only describe the behavior and never make it personal about dd herself. She is a lovable, caring, delicious girl. She just needs to learn that this behavior is not ok.

In general, you should have many discussions with all of the kids and do things to cultivate empathy. It was disturbing to read that your other kids go along with dd's bullying and gang up on a three year old.

When you tell ds that you'll keep him safe from dd, or making him feel that you are there to protect him, that actually reinforces the bullying. It sounds like you picked up on that.

Instead, you want to promote them being on the same team. Look for opportunities to compliment them to each other, tell them how much their sibling loves them and admires them. Create situations for them to help each other, and then tons of praise. (Ex. If one dc asks for help fixing a toy, you can say, Why don't you ask Dovid? He's great at fixing things!")

One thing that worked for me was a marble jar. When you see them being kind to each other, a marble goes in. If they are mean, a marble comes out. When the jar is full, all the kids get a prize, like a slurpee, trip to ice cream store, etc. This encourages them to work together.

Hth.