Inviting Guests In Advance and Not Following Up or Canceling

amother

Blonde

Mon, Jul 09 2018, 7:29 am

I notice this pattern that friends would say a month or two before the summer that they would love to have us for Shabbos in the summer. Either they never call to invite us or they will ask which weekend is good and when you call to confirm for the Shabbos they told you to come they suddenly have other plans or guests. How do people deal which such invites?
If they really have no interest in having guests why are they telling you they want to have you.
This also messes up your plans and have to look for other ideas last minute if you want to go away.

Rachel Shira

Mon, Jul 09 2018, 7:56 am

Some people just extend invitations and may or may not actually mean it. If you know this is a pattern with certain people, I would just not count on it unless they call closer to the date to confirm it themselves. Maybe when they say “we’d love to have you for a shabbos!” you can say “thanks! Call me when it’s a good week,” and leave it at that.

watergirl

Mon, Jul 09 2018, 8:00 am

Who is the one initiating the invitation? Are you? As in, we’d love to come for a shabbos in the summer... and they reply with “sure, we’d love to have you”? Are you starting the conversation with “youre so lucky to have somewhere to go for the summer, I wish we did… To which they follow up with “we’d love to have you”? Or do these friends bring it up and invite?

WhatFor

Mon, Jul 09 2018, 8:09 am

"Let's get together sometime" doesn't necessarily mean anything in many circles. It can either mean, "I'd love to get together! Let's make plans." Or it can mean, "I probably won't get together with you but I'm too polite to tell you."

When people decide on an exact weekend way in advance, you should probably reach out to them about two weeks prior to confirm if you don't want to be caught off guard the week of. My friends and I tend to do this for basic dinner plans if it hasn't been raised since the initial time we spoke about it. If it's a Shabbat lunch someone suggested two months out, someone is usually reaching out Sunday/Monday the latest unless you don't care if you suddenly don't have Shabbat lunch plans.

If you're making plans ON Shabbat for a weekend a month later, assume no one put it in their calendar and they may have forgotten. You need to follow up and confirm, ideally shortly after. Either way, when someone makes non-immediate plans, let them know you took it seriously, by saying (or texting) "thanks! I've put it in my calendar! I'll message you closer to that date to ask what you'd like me to bring." That way they know you're serious and it's not one of those "let's get together sometime in our lives eventually" plans.

amother

Ivory

Mon, Jul 09 2018, 8:13 am

I have an acquaintance who always says things like, do you want to do something together during summer vacation (she doesn't work then)? So I actually really don't, but I can't say that. Instead, the polite thing to do it say, yes, we should definitely hang out! If she calls me, I'll make an effort to get together. But I'm not gonna be calling her. I don't know if that's what going on with you.

amother

Periwinkle

Mon, Jul 09 2018, 8:17 am

watergirl wrote:

I'm not OP but I've experienced this lots of times. I'm never the one doing the initiating.
I'm in the city for the summer. When I speak to friends going to a summer home they often extend these fake invitations along the lines of, "we'd love to have you for a Shaggos/ weekend / visiting day."
I always smile and say thank you. I never imagine that any of these people will actually follow up with a real invitation.
I do have other relatives and friends who call during the summer with a real invitation, which usually includes a date or weekend that works for them, and sometimes they ask which time works for my family.
There could be many reasons why people extend the fake invitation. I don't waste my time trying to figure it out. The reason people offer the second kind of invitation is obvious.

ShishKabob

Mon, Jul 09 2018, 8:21 am

I think it depends on who is the one that's extending the invite. There are chronic cancellers if that's a word. They will throw out ideas here and there but when it comes down to it, it never materializes, not with you anyway. I'm used to such people already. When they make these suggestions I know not to take it seriously at all. On the other hand, with other people, sometimes things come up and that's why they don't follow up. They feel less uncomfortable that way.
Don't take it to heart, it's not you, it's them. Smile

Good luck!

Btw, it doesn't seem from you post that you were in constant contact with these people about the invitation. I may be wrong though. I would assume that if there's no follow up after the first invite, it's not a solid invite.
Did they reiterate the invite closer to the date?

Last edited by ShishKabob on Mon, Jul 09 2018, 9:41 am; edited 1 time in total

watergirl

Mon, Jul 09 2018, 8:27 am

amother wrote:

OP here. I did not initiate the invites.
There is one specific family that tells us the same story every year. At this point I just laugh to myself.

There are a ton of threads on here about this, and people always admit that they mean the invitation when its extended, or they would love to follow through, but they are embarassed of their home and hosting skills, etc.

I hear you, and I agree that its frustrating.

If you want to get away for a shabbos (like you said at the end of your OP) cant you go to a hotel?

amother

Blonde

Mon, Jul 09 2018, 8:32 am

watergirl wrote:

Of course I can go to a hotel. But if you find out three or four days before Nachamu it was a false invite most likely the hotel programs are sold out.

watergirl

Mon, Jul 09 2018, 8:44 am

amother wrote:

Of course I can go to a hotel. But if you find out three or four days before Nachamu it was a false invite most likely the hotel programs are sold out.

Ok... so your circumstances of the OP are evolving a bit. At first you said that you just wanted to get away. Now you’re being specific. You dafka want to go to a frum program on a specific week. Yes, its frustrating.

amother

Blonde

Mon, Jul 09 2018, 8:53 am

watergirl wrote:

I am talking in general but when it happens on a weekend when you really want to go away its frusterating. An example is Nachamu and Visiting Day where many people are going away.
So if you were going to lets say book a hotel but your friend tells you they want you that specific weekend and then last minute its canceled you are stuck.

watergirl

Mon, Jul 09 2018, 9:09 am

amother wrote:

Yeah, that not cool.

OOTforlife

Mon, Jul 09 2018, 2:02 pm

There's a big difference between canceling specific plans and throwing out vague "sometime" or even "this summer" plans that never materialize.

I often find myself overwhelmed and don't wind up doing things I sincerely wanted to do, or doing them much later than I hoped. Not just socially, but in many other areas of life. Saying that someone would love to have you this summer is more of an aspiration than a commitment. At least that's how I view it.

But if someone's invited you for a specific day, that's a specific commitment that should be kept, barring illness or other solid reasons.

zaq

Mon, Jul 09 2018, 4:32 pm

I don't consider an invite an invite unless it's for a specific date and time. AND I make sure to write it down on my calendar and reconfirm a week before if the date was set way in advance. If I really wanted to go away and anyone but my nearest and dearest invited me for that time, I would say sorry, we're going away that week, let's make it another time.

If a friend of yours pulls the rug out from under you more than once without a REALLY good reason like going into labor, you may want to consider how good a friend that person really is.

amother

Emerald

Mon, Jul 09 2018, 4:36 pm

I am one of those people who say "I'd love to have you!" I have the intention of following through. I absolutely love having guests. However I am not always so great at actually making a formal invitation. I often think of it late, on Thursday or Friday. I am so happy when people ask me if it's a good week to come!

amother

Scarlet

Mon, Jul 09 2018, 6:26 pm

I feel like people used to do this to me with shidduchim as well and it would drive me mental. People would ask for my resume and tell me about an amazing idea they had only to never contact me about it ever again. I think people like to feel like they are doing a chessed by inviting or suggesting a shidduch but if you can’t follow through it’s cetainly not a chessed! I’ve also had a situation where we were confirmed to go to someone for shabbos and I called her erev shabbos just to ask about time and she had totally forgotten she invited us and made other plans! Can you imagine if I hadn’t called and we just showed up?!? Cmon people! Follow through and get it together!
Ok just my own rant-I relate lol Rolling Eyes