Dh and I can't agree on many things parenting...

amother

Burgundy

Thu, Jul 12 2018, 1:54 pm

Wwyd? Of course we spoke about parenting while we were dating. But then life happens and you actually have real kids Wink

so what do you do if you and dh disagree on quite a few things. As one example: last night during dinner my daughter (2.5 yrs) was playing around with her cup of water. My husband told me to take it from her but I had in mind to give her one more chance, Cuz it was the first time she started playing with it and were given her no previous warning that it'd b taken if she played with it. So my husband got upset at me for thinking her was incapable of making parenting decisions. Grrrr. This happens often. What to do??? Also, DH has no previous experience with young kids. Mostly he's great. But many times we end up arguing long after my daughter is onto the next thing! Tips?? Advice?

Chayalle

Thu, Jul 12 2018, 1:58 pm

If your daughter is fiddling with her cup and your DH wants to take it from her, he can do that himself.

You don't have to both parent exactly the same (your children might even get something of a balance if one of you is more strict and one a bit more lenient) but neither of you should force your parenting method on the other one.

If you have a real disagreement on something, you should talk about it - maybe with an expert (for example if one of you is parenting in a way that is unacceptable to the other) but in general, don't force your parenting way on him, and he should not force his way on you.

ra_mom

Thu, Jul 12 2018, 2:08 pm

I agree with Chayalle.
And this is more about communication in your relationship than about parenting.
The goal is to be able to discuss issues even when each of you have different viewpoints on the matter, and both of you being able to see the other side. That doesn't mean either of you have to change your mind. You just have to really hear the other side and really be ok with having different viewpoints.

InnerMe

Thu, Jul 12 2018, 2:13 pm

Chayalle wrote:

Well said. I agree with your entire post.

amother

Puce

Thu, Jul 12 2018, 2:19 pm

My husband and I have begun going to private parenting courses. Every week we go and learn new skills. I has changed our home. I highly recommend it.

This last time, my husband even asked the person who is "training" us about a specific thing that takes place in our house. He asked if his method was wrong, and was told that it was (which I already knew). He is now ready to change that parenting response.

Get yourself training to be on the same team. It is also a "date" for you and hubby.

Speak to your child's principal who they would recommend it; they do this all day.

amother

Indigo

Thu, Jul 12 2018, 2:32 pm

OP, never undermine DH in front of the kids. If DH tells something to the kids, don't tell them a different thing even if DH is wrong. Like if DH says kids can have a snack now but you don't want them to have a snack, don't tell kids that they can't have a snack once DH said that they could.

imasinger

Thu, Jul 12 2018, 3:28 pm

First and foremost.

Unless there is blatant abuse happening (which removing a cup of water without prior warning is not), where a child needs active protection, if the two of you disagree, don't EVER discuss it anywhere but in private.

It is far worse for everyone if she knows there is conflict between you over this.

When my DH or I have something to comment on, one of us calls, "executive conference", and we leave the room for a few minutes to hash it out.

In this situation, I agree 100% with Chayalle. If he tells you what do do, he's not only making a parenting decision, he's ordering his wife around.

You can respond, "I'm busy with (whatever), can you please handle it as you see fit?"

Don't jump in right away to comfort DD if she cries about it. He'll more likely ease back his style if he sees her reaction without your interference. So in the long run, she might get a more laid back father, and you might get a DH more likely to listen to your perspective after it's over, when all is calm and she's asleep.

In terms of the overall picture, as a mother, grandmother, and preschool teacher, I have to say, the one example you gave is not necessarily poor parenting. You don't always have to give a warning. For something as minor as this, quick action might even be the better approach.

But maybe there are other examples that trouble you more?

amother

Purple

Thu, Jul 12 2018, 3:46 pm

when me and my husband have disagreements on parenting things and they keep on coming up. we discuss it. I'm also in parenting class and tell him all the things I hear. like not breathing down your childs back and making them into robots. so I would bring up a point I learned and apply if necessary. but if that does not work, let your husband parent but he needs to be the one that actually takes the cup away etc.