Be honest - receiving kallah gifts and other gifts

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Forum -> Relationships -> Giving Gifts

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Chayalle

Thu, Mar 29 2018, 10:58 am

amother wrote:

Why is this a girl's only chance to be spoiled? I would much rather have a gift that my husband bought out of love, with money that he earned, when he knows and treasures me, than a gift bought by my brand new mother-in-law because she has to keep up to community standards.

That's wonderful when a couple's budget allows for such expenditures. But I know many women who own no jewelry besides for what they received as a Kallah. Once family expenses hit - rent/mortgages, tuition, food, etc.. - there often is no money for such extras in the budget.

Besides for that, I don't view my diamond ring as bought to me by my MIL A"H just to keep up with standards...but actually as an expression of their feelings for me as I joined their family, and my commitment to their son. It's very special to me.

amother

Natural

Thu, Mar 29 2018, 11:36 am

I think its to be stopped bw the chatan and kallah. My dh and I decided when we got engaged gifts r meaningles ifngiven bc ur "supposed to". We gave each other a siddu. He bought me a necklace when engaged . An engagement ring and wedding ring. My father bought him a shas. And once we were married a beautiful new suit. I didnt buu him anything else ( I wasnt earning s t the time so had no money anyway)
Slowly in our first few yrs a I got him a seder plate etc. And he got me necklace for pur firt anni which coincided with our ds being born. No pressure. No rules. As agreed upon by us.

amother

Plum

Thu, Mar 29 2018, 11:46 am

crust wrote:

Why does the kallah pay more for the wedding night?

Usually expenses for the chasuna itself are divided this way - FLOP for the chosson's side, the rest for the kallah's and that's pretty much the breakup.

asmileaday

Thu, Mar 29 2018, 12:36 pm

amother wrote:

Usually expenses for the chasuna itself are divided this way - FLOP for the chosson's side, the rest for the kallah's and that's pretty much the breakup.

I think by the chassidisha wedding night is generally split 50/50.

Culturedpearls

Thu, Mar 29 2018, 5:17 pm

amother wrote:

That’s not it at all !!! It’s something I want to do (often insist on with my dil’s). I’m so happy to have them marry my son & I know that early years will not allow the couple such extravances. Our couples work hard & try save every penny trust me that buying jewellery isn’t in the budget. Why shouldn’t they own some quality jewellery that they love?
Trust me there’s no community pressure .

amother

Periwinkle

Thu, Mar 29 2018, 5:21 pm

I have nice kallah jewelry- and I almost never wear it. I even told my DH that while I love my ring, I sort of wish it was fake. I don’t like the pressure of owning something that he’s so invested in that if I lose it, he’ll be upset.

amother

Brown

Sun, Jul 15 2018, 7:15 am

Chayalle wrote:

You asked for honesty. I'll be honest. My inlaws don't have money. When I got engaged to DH, I got a nice diamond ring (1 Karat, and I got to choose the gold setting) and a more simple gold bracelet. I also got pearls in the yichud room. I was fine with it. But I think if I hadn't gotten a "nice enough" ring, I wouldn't have been happy with it. One of my SIL's told me that she was given a ring that was far below the standard, and her parents protested, and in the end she got a nicer ring.

Later that year my brother got engaged. He gave his Kallah (funded by my parents, of course) a gold watch, fancier bracelet, diamond ring (It was my grandmother A"H's stone - and she had worked in diamonds - it was gorgeous), pearls, separate necklace, and earrings. Was it a bit in my face? Yes, it was, but I was happy with DH and had made my choices. I was okay with it.

What's the point of my post? I think when you grow up in a certain circle, there can be a bit of fluctuation in the standards, but too much, and the Kallah will feel bad. Like I totally understood my SIL - and I guess my inlaws "learned" they couldn't get away with that with DH. Lucky I wasn't the first Kallah in their family.

Yes standards are a shame. But we put standards on young people with so many things, and expect conformity in so many areas...and then we yell about standards where it bothers our pocketbooks. We'd need a huge overhaul in so many areas to get rid of these standards.

There's a concept of "kallah b'chvodah" - a Kallah is supposed to be given so she feels a measure of dignity. Of course, what that is has gotten way over the top in some circles. But the basic concept remains.

The part I don't understand.. didn't grow up frum though.
In the ,,regular world" if you want nice gifts, a big fat ring etc you marry a rich guy. If you fall in love with someone else or choose someone else that was YOUR CHOICE. It comes with not getting what your friend gets because she married a rich guy.

If my daughter chooses a guy who is not from a rich family... And she will cry about the ring.. that's what I would tell her. Honey you could have put money on the top of your list but you didn't. I think that's awesome but you gotta figure out why you're crying then. Because that was your choice.

amother

Brown

Sun, Jul 15 2018, 7:42 am

allthingsblue wrote:

I really believe it's because people of all different economic levels send to the same schools, Daven in the same shuls...
In the real world, people socialize mostly with people from their social class/economic level. in the frum world we all socialize together, and luxury becomes the "norm."

Oh so you think I the real world rich kids , middle class and lower class kids go to different schools?? How sheltered are you?
They are not so keen about showing off maybe. And they expect their kids to earn money before getting married though. That's also why girls don't expect so much. Because they know money is earned and not just handed out by parents.

mommy3b2c

Sun, Jul 15 2018, 7:50 am

amother wrote:

This is an old thread, but allthingsblue is correct. In the secular world, rich kids and poor kids do not go to the same schools. They don’t even live in the same neighborhoods. And many rick kids are supported by their parents until well into their twenties.

watergirl

Sun, Jul 15 2018, 8:08 am

mommy3b2c wrote:

It was funny to see this bumped.

Yes and no. Dh went to public school in an upper middle class neighborhood and kids were bussed in from other districts to get the better education. That was 30 years ago. Today, districts are still bussing, but generally you are correct. You tend to go to school by district only, aka, with people in the same socioeconomic class as you. Only in the frum community do we have people knocking down tiny shacks and building mansions; they want to stay in the kehilla, just in a nicer house.

shirachadasha

Sun, Jul 15 2018, 8:11 am

watergirl wrote:

I’ve heard this sentiment a lot also. That this builds momentum needed to make it to the chuppah.

We know that the root of ahava is hav - to give. And we know that giving gifts brings feelings of love. So there’s a lot to say for that.

But the pressure many face! The hardship...

Realistically speaking, she's getting the gifts from her future in-laws. So you're saying the goal of thousands of dollars of gift giving would be to get her in-laws to love her.

watergirl

Sun, Jul 15 2018, 8:13 am

shirachadasha wrote:

Realistically speaking, she's getting the gifts from her future in-laws. So you're saying the goal of thousands of dollars of gift giving would be to get her in-laws to love her.

THAT was your takeaway from my post?

amother

Orchid

Sun, Jul 15 2018, 8:33 am

SuperWify wrote:

How is that possible???

I'm not the poster you're asking and I got married 20 years ago, but this is how my chosson made it: the diamond is a bit less than 1karrat and not the best color/clarity, the pearls weren't new - were re-stringed and had a new clasp, my bracelet should not have costed more than $300. I had zero expectations and was very happy and grateful.

PinkFridge

Sun, Jul 15 2018, 8:53 am

I don't think I posted earlier.
I'm glad bracelets weren't the done thing back when I got married because I'm sure that 10 years later I wouldn't have liked my choice.
(I still like my rings, but would I pick differently now? Sure.)
Frankly, expensive jewelry scares me, and I prefer costume jewelry anyway.

Ruchel

Sun, Jul 15 2018, 9:15 am

amother wrote:

Usually expenses for the chasuna itself are divided this way - FLOP for the chosson's side, the rest for the kallah's and that's pretty much the breakup.

What a flop. I would have said dealbreaker, seriously.

watergirl

Sun, Jul 15 2018, 9:19 am

PinkFridge wrote:

But back to my op, how would you feel receiving whatever you received if you knew that the person who paid for your gifts couldn't afford it?

Mommyg8

Sun, Jul 15 2018, 9:46 am

I must have missed this thread the first time around.

As the mother of boys, I would much rather spend extra on jewelry (if I can). In circles where it's expected, I think it does make a difference.

I don't think engagement gifts are the same as gifts in general. To me, it's sort of the same as paying tuition or whatever -- part of the cost of raising kids.

But there is someone in my life who does give me gifts she can't afford, and I feel terrible. It's very rarely anything I need, she gets all upset if the thank you is the wrong shade -- so her gifts are something I've come to dread. This bothers me very much.

When I was a girl, my grandmother would always bring gifts whenever she came to us. It was usually something from the 99 cent store, or whatever the equivalent is nowadays, and we were always more than thrilled. I think a small gift that comes from the heart is worth more than a big gift given grudgingly. But that's just my opinion.

amother

Brown

Sun, Jul 15 2018, 9:47 am

mommy3b2c wrote:

I don't know where you grew up but in my school, dhs school and my siblings SO's all kinds of people went. I went to school in a different city because it was a better school. A bunch of kids also came from different cities nearby. We had kids who had swimming pools at home and we had kids whose families lived on food stamps. All mixed. Also our circles of friends.
Some of my friends went on insane vacations and had really expensive clothes.. others never went on vacations and had second hand clothes. Was there jealousy? Obviously. Was I upset that my dad only got me a Ford and not a BMW? Of course. But that's life. And I think it's healthy that way.

Purple2

Sun, Jul 15 2018, 9:53 am

The girls you’re talking about are chassidish 17 year olds. What do you think they feel? Nothing, only bad if if they don’t get as much as their friend. They don’t know the chosson, so it’s all about the externals.
This is not the mehalach in the yeshivish our MO world. Over there, it’s like some suggested, it’s determined by the wealth of the chosson (or his parents). It’s understood and accepted that the jewelry will be according to the chansons budget. Done

amother

Chartreuse

Sun, Jul 15 2018, 10:18 am

I'm disappointed in this thread. So many responses. I don't think there's a single response from someone acknowledging that they go into debt and spend way more than they should. Everybody here just says they on the other side and don't participate in this nareshkeit. Well very many families, maybe even most, spend more than they can afford. It would have been nice to here from that perspective.

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