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Forum -> Yom Tov / Holidays -> Shabbos, Rosh Chodesh, Fast Days, and other Days of Note
Hanging out with friends during 9 days.



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justforfun87




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 17 2018, 8:13 pm
Would you go for a coffee with a friend during the nine days? I have had a few people reach out to me to hang out the last few days and I feel weird being THAT person who may come off as giving mussar. Is avoiding social outings something I am being strict on or is it a real thing?
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amother
Chartreuse


 

Post Tue, Jul 17 2018, 8:31 pm
Personally I wouldn't have a problem with it. I skip the meat, wine, music, etc. but don't otherwise look for ways to make myself extra sad. To each their own.
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allthingsblue




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 17 2018, 8:43 pm
I think it's very admirable that you have this sensitivity. It shows that you're genuinely mourning.
I haven't heard any Halacha about not hanging out with friends during the 9 days, so I imagine it's okay to do, if you're okay with it.
Ask a rabbi though, or look up the halachos in a Sefer.
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 17 2018, 9:45 pm
Personally, I avoid doing fun things during the nine days if I don’t do them often . So if I regularly went out with friends to a coffee shop I would go, but if I did this only seldom II wouldn’t do it davka now.

Makes me nuts when people post asking what they can do that’s fun but permissible at this time. If it were part of your routine you would know. Now is not the time to deliberately seek out new entertainment.

ETA and if I did go out with a friend, it would be one on one, not with a whole cluster. Scenario the first is going out for coffee; scenario the second is a party.
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watergirl




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 17 2018, 9:52 pm
justforfun87 wrote:
Would you go for a coffee with a friend during the nine days? I have had a few people reach out to me to hang out the last few days and I feel weird being THAT person who may come off as giving mussar. Is avoiding social outings something I am being strict on or is it a real thing?

If you decide that its not appropriate to go, then you can decline politely and NOT be “that person” who gives mussar. You have no reason to say “sorry, I’d love to but not in the 9 days”. Just say you need a rain check. If pushed for an excuse, just say you have a busy week and arent up to it.
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justforfun87




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 17 2018, 10:03 pm
allthingsblue wrote:
I think it's very admirable that you have this sensitivity. It shows that you're genuinely mourning.
I haven't heard any Halacha about not hanging out with friends during the 9 days, so I imagine it's okay to do, if you're okay with it.
Ask a rabbi though, or look up the halachos in a Sefer.


Just the opposite, I am totally lacking in sensitivity. It is so hard for me between work and kids to get in to the proper mindset. All day Tisha Bav I am grumpy and resentful. So since I can't feel the loss I figured I am supposed to "minimize" joyous activities.
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tichellady




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 17 2018, 10:54 pm
Yes I would. Seems totally appropriate to me
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mom2u




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 17 2018, 11:16 pm
I see no problem with it unless you're making it onto a party. It's a nice time to connect with your friends in a calm atmosphere.
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naturalmom5




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 17 2018, 11:20 pm
Personally, I wouldn't go somewhere where there is music or a very festive atmosphere. But I think just the opposite. The Churban came due to sinas chinam and lack of achdus.

We need to show Hashem we want mashiach, by Ahavas chinom.. What do you gain by alienating your friends..
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overworked




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 17 2018, 11:26 pm
I had a similar situation I was away in London for a family Simcha and I was there on the fast day and I was the only one that felt changing of the guards wasn’t appropriate to go on that day . I was called rebitzen I felt great with that title
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amother
Gold


 

Post Tue, Jul 17 2018, 11:42 pm
I would go out one on one. This year I am having the strangest nine days I ever had. Bh my sister got engaged on Sunday and after many shailas we were told to make the vort in the nine days. So we made it last night. Also I am going on vacation....leaving Tisha bav evening. It does feel strange. Dh was surprising me and booked need a vacation with him not realizing it was all during the nine days. After realizing he spoke to our Rav who told him to try to cancel and change what he can. He worked wvry hard but was able to change it in the end. The Rav told him we can leave Tisha bav evening and break the faston the plane.....it's still weird to me...
BTW....I have no idea where I am going....
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mom2u




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jul 18 2018, 12:52 am
Oh wow! I wouldn't handle not knowing. I hope you have an adventurous trip and it all works out well.
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amother
Gray


 

Post Wed, Jul 18 2018, 12:51 pm
I will look it up. As far as I know, there is an inyan not to go to social gatherings in the nine days. Definitely in my family we are extremely makpid about this - not even inviting friends to the house. I will see if I can find the source.
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seeker




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jul 18 2018, 4:10 pm
It's aveilus. I'm not 100% sure about prevalent halacha in the 9 days but during aveilus you don't do fun gatherings. A friend or two shmoozing over coffee does not qualify, but a group of ladies saying let's go out to a milchig restaurant and have a grand time all evening, as I understand it that would not be appropriate.

However I also would not say so in a group unless it was a small group of personal friends. I would just decline to go
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salt




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jul 19 2018, 1:17 am
overworked wrote:
I had a similar situation I was away in London for a family Simcha and I was there on the fast day and I was the only one that felt changing of the guards wasn’t appropriate to go on that day . I was called rebitzen I felt great with that title


That's different - that's on the fast day itself. Certainly inappropriate - totally agree with you.

On Tisha beav we are meant to sit on low chairs and read kinot. At least till chatzot. You're not even meant to greet someone with "shalom".

What's more at Changing of the guards there is almost definitely music, so probably not even appropriate for the rest of the 9 days.
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mfb




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jul 19 2018, 1:36 am
justforfun87 wrote:
Would you go for a coffee with a friend during the nine days? I have had a few people reach out to me to hang out the last few days and I feel weird being THAT person who may come off as giving mussar. Is avoiding social outings something I am being strict on or is it a real thing?

Someone just told me she asked a chassidish rav and was told it’s totally fine. So ask before deciding.
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salt




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jul 19 2018, 1:42 am
mfb wrote:
Someone just told me she asked a chassidish rav and was told it’s totally fine. So ask before deciding.


What's chassidish got to do with it?
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justforfun87




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jul 19 2018, 1:49 am
I guess a part of it is that refraining from meat is not enough to feel at a loss. I rarely eat meat so that either is not enough of a separation from the rest of the year. Not listening to music isn't all that bad cause I have the opportunity to catch up on the news. During the destruction Bnei Yisroel were starved and had their children ripped away from their hands. I don't understand how we can even come close to memorializing that in this day and time. I feel guilty that my mind is distracted with carpool, making lunches, work, etc.
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