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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette
Help me with this awkward family situation



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amother
Saddlebrown


 

Post Sun, Aug 05 2018, 2:55 pm
My husband wants us to go visit his grandparents again soon. They live in another state and we've only been there twice before. This is the issue: Their house is extremely dirty. The kitchen smells like mold. His grandmother is Hungarian and all she wants to do is serve us food and watch us eat. But the food is so nauseating. Some things she has served in the past are mushy macaroni with blueberry jam, freezer burnt pizza microwaved till it's hard, wilted salad, I think you get the idea. I literally can't bring myself to eat in their house. And she makes SUCH a big issue out of it. Pressuring me, guilting me, discussing loudly with others at the table how I'm not eating, going through each dish on the table and demanding why I won't eat it....

Here's what I/we have already tried that didn't work:
-Inviting them out to eat. They are very frugal and wouldn't hear of it.
-Eating before and saying we're not hungry.
-Saying, "We hardly ever get to see you, let's catch up instead of just talking about food!"

It means a lot to my husband that we go see them, his grandfather in particular is not well and would really appreciate it, and I'm so happy to go, I just cannot eat there!!!
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amother
Floralwhite


 

Post Sun, Aug 05 2018, 2:58 pm
so just don't and have your husband tell them in advance

either you are on a special diet

nauseous (maybe for good reason wink wink)

etc

point is that he has to set it up in advance and stick to it

think of anything so long as its set before you go

go out and do an activity instead
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simba




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 05 2018, 3:12 pm
Is it 1 meal one time or 3 meals a day for 4 days?
1 meal I would suffer through but if it was a weekend I would come with my own food and tell then you are on a strict diet and not budge.
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amother
Saddlebrown


 

Post Sun, Aug 05 2018, 3:34 pm
I actually AM on a special diet and even that didn't work! "Come on, you must be able to eat xyz..."

They are not well and not up to activities outside the house. And if we're there they want to feed us.
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BetsyTacy




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 05 2018, 3:50 pm
Perhaps if your time is limited you can ask to see photographs of them when they were young and to hear stories about your dh's ancestors. Clear this with dh just in case there is some trauma that you don't know about which would make the situation awkward. Otherwise, you get to hear about dh's ancestors' lives, and it will be nice for your children that both parents can talk knowledgeablely about their great grandparents and great great grandparents. Plus, you can eat less as you will be so engrossed in looking at albums (wouldn't want to get them dirty). If they are talking about something they are passionate about they might focus less on your plate. Even if it doesn't work, I still think it's nice to hear about stories from the previous generations.
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amother
Plum


 

Post Sun, Aug 05 2018, 3:57 pm
I've been through this and I'll tell you that if you can bring yourself to eat some food it will mean so much to them and your dh. Trust me, I'm super finicky and have cleanliness standards that are probably too high. But try to distract yourself and just slide one bite after another into your mouth. You can discreetly spit some into the napkin if you must, but try to make the plate look emptier.

This may the highest form of giving you're ever zocha to participate in.
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mom39




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 05 2018, 4:00 pm
You can come over with a pizza pie.... to eat together.
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saw50st8




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 06 2018, 4:07 am
Bring over a big meal and say "You always prepare the food, so I brought a spread this time!"
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amother
Floralwhite


 

Post Mon, Aug 06 2018, 4:15 am
I cannot force myself and wouldn't want someone else to either. I mean what are you supposed to do play with the food and secretly throw it out?

I would just hang tough and they will have to get used to it.

I would have DH lay down that reality before hand. Like its either this or no visit. Not a threat just a reality check and explanation.

And then I would go prepared for whatever they do and just grin and bear it. They are doing the best they can too and may not be able to do better at this stage of life. You can have something to say and DH and just keep repeating it. I like the pictures idea personally Id look at them during the meal and keep redirecting. I mean what are you going to do? Say you feel ill which you do and leave the table? Not go?
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amother
Floralwhite


 

Post Mon, Aug 06 2018, 4:19 am
Also perhaps there is something she makes like a cake? or kugel? you can ask for one in advance to take home and give it away. That might satisfy the understandable urge to feed you. Its tough. Its a big mitzvah to visit and make them happy. There must be a way to do both. Let the urging roll off of you. You don't have to do it and its easier if you have decided beforehand. Its just her way of showing her love and caring.
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