Respect is out the window

solo

Sun, Aug 19 2018, 7:31 pm

I love all 4 of my amaizing little kids. 7,5,4,&1.5 yrs old. I’m not sure when it started, although I’m quite sure it started with my 5yr old daughter, but lately they are so disrespectful. To other adults, to each other, and to me and my husband. My husband and I treat others, each other resoectfully. My husband is exceptionally respectful to his parents. I’ll
I don’t know how to handle it. Tonight my daughter sang “he is stupid he is stupid...” (Tto Mach a Bracha) while my son cried. And when I told her to stop n sent her to her room she smiled. So I made her a sandwich and told her she couldn’t join us for the pizza dinner my husband was out buying.
She was upset and screamed for a min. Then acted as if she couldn’t care less. And our fun dinner is not the same without her:(

Tirza

Sun, Aug 19 2018, 7:39 pm

They are testing you. Stay firm. It may take a few weeks, but if they see that you won't tolerate disrespectful talk and behavior, they will come around.
Good luck. (Consider it practice for when they become teenagers.)

thunderstorm

Sun, Aug 19 2018, 7:44 pm

solo wrote:

I read this and I burst out laughing. Sorry embarrassed

Your daughter sounds like an adorable smart Alec .
I think you did the right thing. Keep firm and don't give in. She is testing you to see how far she could push the limits.

amother

Cerise

Sun, Aug 19 2018, 8:39 pm

I feel differently to the other posters.

I think it's too strict to make her eat a different dinner.

This is regular 5-year old behavior. You need to set boundaries, but with the understanding that all kids go through this stage. It's nothing to do with whether their parents are respectful or not.

tachles

Sun, Aug 19 2018, 10:50 pm

amother wrote:

I agree. It’s normal behavior. I also would steer clear of using food as punishments it can be really damaging. I would do a mix of saying it’s not nice and exploring more efficient strategies ( I understand that your little brothers crying can be irritating but you are not allowed to insult him, anyway that won’t make him stop, you could try covering your ears or walking away, or see if you can help him stop crying by asking him to play) and plain old ignoring it.
At most if someone’s behavior is way out of line they get sent to relax in their room but they sure could join the meal when they return.

familyfirst

Sun, Aug 19 2018, 11:01 pm

I think you did right
I'm not usually a fan of taking food away but this time I think it was justified

Please take in more of an authoritative demeanor at home. No, we are not disrespectful to our parents and no, we don't torment each other. Time out is in order.

Good luck!

amother

Cerise

Sun, Aug 19 2018, 11:14 pm

familyfirst wrote:

Why is this time more justified than others? What did she do that is so terrible?

amother

Cobalt

Sun, Aug 19 2018, 11:36 pm

amother wrote:

Emphatically agree. Time out is ok, but no pizza, just because she smiled? That seems very harsh. You have her labeled as the trouble maker and that’s setting up an u healthy dynamic.

amother

Sienna

Mon, Aug 20 2018, 12:14 am

amother wrote:

Emphatically agree. Time out is ok, but no pizza, just because she smiled? That seems very harsh. You have her labeled as the trouble maker and that’s setting up an u healthy dynamic.

I’m not sure if you labeled her the trouble maker or if she did it herself. Some kids are tough. She may have an oppositional personality. Stop being hard on yourself and thinking you made her this way. She might just be this way and you need to figure out how to deal with it. Letting her siblings suffer because of her behavior will just make things worse. I don’t think you did the wrong thing tonight. She’s probably old enough to see her behavior will lead to unpleasant circumstances. Im sure you already got the advice about giving her extra love and attention. In addition a punishment that makes sense- like you can’t join us for pizza because you don’t know how to behave nicely around us - might be just the right medicine.
Whatever you do, once you make a decision and formulate a plan, stick to it and stay firm. Kids like this can smell weakness from miles away and will take the first opportunity they can to manipulate you further.

Mon, Aug 20 2018, 12:52 am

Try giving attention to the Times the kids do speak respectfully to anyone. Praise them for it. Model speaking respectfully. and when you must, state, this room is for people who speak respectfully to each other . Said child may then need to leave the room but does not need to be punished. Good luck and know that you are not alone in dealing with this! You have the next ten plus years to try to ingrain this in your children.

sirel

Mon, Aug 20 2018, 1:36 am

5?
Just distract her and move on to the next thing.

"Hey daughter, can you come to the kitchen? I need some help washing and cutting the salad for supper. Do you think you can carry 4 cucumbers and 2 tomatoes from the fridge at once?"

sirel

Mon, Aug 20 2018, 3:09 am

In general , unless my kids are physically hurting each other, or there might be a pattern of a bullying situation going on, I stay out of the fight.

It is a normal part of sibling interaction.
One kid is singing an annoying song, another is crying because he's insulted.

Give them the space to work it out and get over it.
Don't micromanage them.

FranticFrummie

Mon, Aug 20 2018, 6:57 am

First of all, this is totally age appropriate behavior. That doesn't make it OK, but it means she is on track developmentally. She's discovered that she is a separate person, and is making separate decisions - testing to see what will happen. This a applies to the 7yo, too. As far as the younger ones go, monkey see monkey do!

As other have said, you have to stand firm. Do your best to react as neutrally and rationally as possible. The moment you raise your voice, they know they've won.

I have no idea how long this phase will last. For some kids it becomes a bad habit, others get bored and get over it quickly.

I will never forget the day when DD was 4. She stamped her foot and yelled "I hate you, you're ruining my life!" LOL

It was all I could do to keep from cracking up.

This too shall pass (until puberty. Wink

)

amother

Puce

Mon, Aug 20 2018, 7:54 am

You have just made that song bearable again. Over-playing has killed it for me, but now I have this in my head.

I know- not what you want to hear. We have a saying in my house when our kids do things like this: "Creative and determined, creative and determined. Hard now, but will serve them well later." Bnei Yisrael are am k'shei oref, which got us in trouble but also helped us survive and be ourselves for thousands of years. One day, this dd may write color war or GO songs that inspire large groups of people, or use her wit to entertain her own kids or those of others. And smile when life is hard around her and keep going, creating a happy home. Hard now, but potentially helpful later.

I defer to the others for current strategies.

causemommysaid

Mon, Aug 20 2018, 9:21 am

Not sure if it was too harsh or not but your daughter definitely cared about losing pizza. Pretending not to care was a defense mechanism that was the only way she was able to bear it.

mha3484

Mon, Aug 20 2018, 10:25 am

Hashem has given me great children B'H but they are so not easy in totally different ways so most of the standard parenting approaches just dont work for us. The only thing that works is the method in the book called the explosive child. The main ideas are that all kids want to do well and if they are not meeting your expectations its because they cant not that they dont want to. Also there is another idea that if a kid is giving you a hard time they are having a hard time. Once I put my kids behaviors into those perspectives it changed everything. We do a lot of talking and a lot of empathy and a lot of work on what skills are lagging so that my kids can meet the expectations I have for them. Its a lot harder then anything else I have ever tried but it has worked the best. I am really not trying to be preachy but I think that this can really help a lot of families but people dont know about it.

keym

Mon, Aug 20 2018, 10:40 am

I want to point something out OP.

Some children will not cry or show regret when being punished or having a consequence. They will shrug and seem like it doesn't matter, or smile or smirk. ITS TO SAVE FACE. But I've seen parents who keep escalating the punishment to get a reaction, and that's dangerous.

What I would have done is when the teasing started, I would say "Esti stop using hurtful language to your brother." If she continued (which she probably would) I would say "Esti, no one in our family deserves to be teased. Please go play in a different room until you could talk nicely to others" and I would physically move her and her toys to a different room. No attention.
But when things settle down, I would play a game to say nice things about or to all their siblings and I would especially compliment hers and give her a lot of attention for the nice stuff she has to say.