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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette
Really genuinely seriously just want to know
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amother
Vermilion


 

Post Mon, Aug 20 2018, 7:57 am
Spinoff of a couple of other threads.

1. If you left someone out of op conversation /lunch etc at a bungalow colony, why did you do it?

2. If you deliberately come very late to an invitation like 7 broches, why do you do that?

You can be anonymous. I'm mot judging. Well maybe I AM but I don't want to. I'm sure there is another side to the story. Please help me understand. I find when understand where someone else is coming from it is easier to accept and even embrace the way that they are different.

(an example. DH always leaves sink plugs upside down. Drove me nuts. Then he explained that it is so the water can drain out from the little lip thingy at the top. So now it doesn't bother me at all anymore, in fact I do the same thing.)
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 20 2018, 8:01 am
I'm just as baffled as you are. I'm curious to see what other's say.

I can accept that stuff happens that can make people late, and I can accept that some people have poor social skills, but when it feels deliberate that is just plain RUDE.
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amother
Vermilion


 

Post Mon, Aug 20 2018, 8:05 am
FranticFrummie wrote:
, but when it feels deliberate that is just plain RUDE.


No.please don't say this. I know you don't mean harm but I really don't want to attack anyone. Just want to understand.
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Sadie




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 20 2018, 8:14 am
1) I’m shy and introverted and only feel really comfortable talking to people that I already know (or someone who’s new but skilled at making others feel comfortable) I can’t be relied on to take the initiative to make a new person in a group feel welcome.

2) I’m a punctual person but with my husband’s family, I quickly learned that showing up on time meant waiting around at the restaurant alone for up to two hours. Now I never go to their events on time (and therefore I arrive “on time”) People who are used to this culture might assume that everyone is the same. We tell his family to come an hour or more before we actually want them to arrive.
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amother
Blush


 

Post Mon, Aug 20 2018, 8:17 am
"Sheva Brachos never start on time anyhow."
"I don't want to stay at the simcha for more than an hour."
"They only really need me there for bentching, and I'm sure they won't run out of food before I come."
"These events are always boring. I'll come, but I don't have to be there for the whole thing."
"I don't have anyone I really want to see there, so I'll procrastinate on leaving until I really don't have a choice."
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amother
Lemon


 

Post Mon, Aug 20 2018, 8:23 am
I come deliberately late because the culture is to come late. I have been stuck waiting an hour every single time I come on time. When the chuppah is called for 7:30, and you are the only guest at 9:00, you learn to do as the Romans.

I haven't frozen anyone out of conversations, but I have seen this happen. The person may be annoying or have non-responsive conversations or they just give a monologue without conversing. I politely listen until the person is finished. We have a neighbor who the ladies just ignore because she is so annoying.
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watergirl




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 20 2018, 8:24 am
amother wrote:
"Sheva Brachos never start on time anyhow."
"I don't want to stay at the simcha for more than an hour."
"They only really need me there for bentching, and I'm sure they won't run out of food before I come."
"These events are always boring. I'll come, but I don't have to be there for the whole thing."
"I don't have anyone I really want to see there, so I'll procrastinate on leaving until I really don't have a choice."

If attending a simcha feels like a tircha to someone, that person should just decline the invite.
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mommy3b2c




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 20 2018, 8:32 am
amother wrote:
I come deliberately late because the culture is to come late. I have been stuck waiting an hour every single time I come on time. When the chuppah is called for 7:30, and you are the only guest at 9:00, you learn to do as the Romans.

I haven't frozen anyone out of conversations, but I have seen this happen. The person may be annoying or have non-responsive conversations or they just give a monologue without conversing. I politely listen until the person is finished. We have a neighbor who the ladies just ignore because she is so annoying.


And what about when the person isn’t annoying?

Some people are just immature and rude. In my bungalow Colony there is certain group with a “nickname” for the group. I am technically part of this group. Last summer the men made a chat. One day we were sitting in a circle and I suggested the ladies make a chat too. They all just looked at each other and smirked. So of course I realized there already was a chat and I just wasn’t on it. Whatever. I assure you I am not the annoying one. Several of these ladies however, are quite annoying.

The answer op, is that many people are extremely selfish and self absorbed. A lot of them are struggling with low self esteem. Emotionally healthy adults just don’t act that way.
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amother
Gold


 

Post Mon, Aug 20 2018, 8:41 am
For me I come late to Simcha’s bc my baby is scared of strangers so I can’t leave until she’s asleep.
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amother
Lemon


 

Post Mon, Aug 20 2018, 9:01 am
mommy3b2c wrote:
And what about when the person isn’t annoying?

Some people are just immature and rude. In my bungalow Colony there is certain group with a “nickname” for the group. I am technically part of this group. Last summer the men made a chat. One day we were sitting in a circle and I suggested the ladies make a chat too. They all just looked at each other and smirked. So of course I realized there already was a chat and I just wasn’t on it. Whatever. I assure you I am not the annoying one. Several of these ladies however, are quite annoying.

The answer op, is that many people are extremely selfish and self absorbed. A lot of them are struggling with low self esteem. Emotionally healthy adults just don’t act that way.


It is possible that you rub the woman there wrong way for whatever reason. It is possible that they are immature with low self esteem.

I think when a group freezes out someone there is a personality clash.
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mommy3b2c




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 20 2018, 9:44 am
amother wrote:
It is possible that you rub the woman there wrong way for whatever reason. It is possible that they are immature with low self esteem.

I think when a group freezes out someone there is a personality clash.


I don’t rub them the wrong way. There is no personality clash. I get along with them just fine. When we are in a circle I am included in conversation. They are just immature and selfish.
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singleagain




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 20 2018, 9:59 am
In New and large crowds, I don't speak much, and hang on fringe, bc of my extreme anxiety. So maybe it only looks like I'm being frozen out, but really I'm struggling to say something anything and then when I have finally worked up the courage the conversation had shifted and I have to start all over again.
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amother
Taupe


 

Post Mon, Aug 20 2018, 10:00 am
I actually cant believe a group of grown women act that way. It feels like middle school.
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amother
Yellow


 

Post Mon, Aug 20 2018, 10:08 am
Do you remember the snobs in school? Many of these girls grow up to be snobby ladies as well. I used to think anyone who needs to snob people out must have extreme low self esteem. I have come to learn unfortunately that some people simply have bad middos.
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amother
Oak


 

Post Mon, Aug 20 2018, 10:12 am
I don't get it. Not everyone will like everyone else or enjoy everyone else's company. Why is that so hard to understand? Everyone annoys some people. Some people may annoy more people, but I assure you, we are all annoying to at least a few people.
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watergirl




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 20 2018, 10:19 am
amother wrote:
I don't get it. Not everyone will like everyone else or enjoy everyone else's company. Why is that so hard to understand? Everyone annoys some people. Some people may annoy more people, but I assure you, we are all annoying to at least a few people.

You still have to be nice to them.
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amother
Goldenrod


 

Post Mon, Aug 20 2018, 10:20 am
amother wrote:
I don't get it. Not everyone will like everyone else or enjoy everyone else's company. Why is that so hard to understand? Everyone annoys some people. Some people may annoy more people, but I assure you, we are all annoying to at least a few people.


You can still be polite and nicely walk away from a conversation. No need to be rude.

I think it definitely has to do with self esteem, (could be middos issues too). Think about a healthy person, they don't need others to make themselves feel good. But, people with self-esteem issues, need to be/act/speak superior to show that they are worth something.

Regarding the coming late to simchas/events. I know someone that does it for attention. Will badavka come late to event so everyone can look and know it was they who came late. I'm not saying this is with everybody. But this person, has some issues.....
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amother
Goldenrod


 

Post Mon, Aug 20 2018, 10:22 am
amother wrote:
Do you remember the snobs in school? Many of these girls grow up to be snobby ladies as well. I used to think anyone who needs to snob people out must have extreme low self esteem. I have come to learn unfortunately that some people simply have bad middos.


Unfortunately this is not always the case, but many times the snobs from school are left with barely any friends, and even if they do have friends, it's probably not a close/real relationship, unless they worked on themselves to change.
And many times the people that were the ones that were snobbed, but managed to maintain a healthy self esteem , have a bunch of real friends when older.
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amother
Hotpink


 

Post Mon, Aug 20 2018, 10:26 am
I'm curious why people are saying that "those" women have low self esteem. I mean the women that leave others out of conversations and chats. IME, those people are the ones that have so much going for them, they're the belle of the ball and the center of the party. do they really feel threatened by lil old me and treating me like a human being with feelings?
I had this experience when a few ladies were standing in a circle and chatting and another woman comes over and places herself directly in front of me and joins the circle as if the spot I was standing on was an empty space. she just pushed me out. it was really hurtful.
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thunderstorm




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 20 2018, 10:29 am
amother wrote:
I don't get it. Not everyone will like everyone else or enjoy everyone else's company. Why is that so hard to understand? Everyone annoys some people. Some people may annoy more people, but I assure you, we are all annoying to at least a few people.

That still doesn't excuse you from excluding someone from your group. And when children see their parents acting this way they take the cue and act like that to their peers as well.
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