Respect is out the window

ladYdI

Mon, Aug 20 2018, 7:50 am

Food should not be used as a punishment but in this case when pizza was a special treat it was justified. Its not like she didn’t get dinner just a different one! I also used to punish kids by not letting them have dessert on shabbos or their special shabbos nosh.

amother

Cerise

Mon, Aug 20 2018, 8:03 am

ladYdI wrote:

It's still food being used a punishment, regardless of whether it's a treat or not.

And there's a huge difference between not getting a treat on Shabbos vs. making them miss out on an entire fun family meal.

amother

Pearl

Mon, Aug 20 2018, 8:39 am

Choose when to threaten but when you do, you have to follow through. Do it a few times and they’ll quickly learn where your line is that they can’t cross. An example: We told my kids (similar ages to yours) that we would be going on a 3-day family trip at the end of the summer. The last few weeks they were being disrespectful and I warned them many times that if it didn’t stop we would cut the trip short. It didn’t stop, and we shortened it to a 2-day trip. So we had an awesome, really fun trip, and at the end we reminded them about what we could have done during the extra day, but instead we’re going home. They left feeling so happy about the amazing trip, and disappointed that we couldn’t stay longer. Some people will say I’m too strict but it really works. I allow them a certain measure of freedom but they know that if they cross a line there will be consequences.

Chayalle

Mon, Aug 20 2018, 8:47 am

keym wrote:

I want to point something out OP.

Some children will not cry or show regret when being punished or having a consequence. They will shrug and seem like it doesn't matter, or smile or smirk. ITS TO SAVE FACE. But I've seen parents who keep escalating the punishment to get a reaction, and that's dangerous.

What I would have done is when the teasing started, I would say "Esti stop using hurtful language to your brother." If she continued (which she probably would) I would say "Esti, no one in our family deserves to be teased. Please go play in a different room until you could talk nicely to others" and I would physically move her and her toys to a different room. No attention.
But when things settle down, I would play a game to say nice things about or to all their siblings and I would especially compliment hers and give her a lot of attention for the nice stuff she has to say.

Absolutely this.

When my big girls were little, they tested the waters with certain behaviors. I would instruct them that certain behaviors (e.g. hitting) were not allowed in our family, and if instruction was not enough, I would follow thru with a time-out if you hit - you landed in your room for 10 minutes.

Dina Friedman says that whenever you have to discipline a child - for example with a timeout - then when that's over, show your child that your relationship is still intact despite the discipline. So when they came out of time-out, I would initiate a normal conversation, just to show them we can go on from here, we love you.

FranticFrummie

Mon, Aug 20 2018, 9:16 am

Your DD sounds extremely intelligent. I think she would be a really good candidate for "Parenting Kids With Love and Logic".

That book was a real game changer for me, and I wish I had discovered it sooner.

The "Parenting Teens" book is also really awesome. I recommend it to everyone.

das

Mon, Aug 20 2018, 9:32 am

I haven't read all the responses so what I'm saying might be repetitive.

You're making this about "respect". Your daughter is acting like a normal kid. You're blowing it way out of proportion and getting too punitive.

Relax. Kids tease each other. If you go drastic like withhold pizza for this, you're setting yourself up for power struggles.

If you can't ignore or distract, you can calmly and unemotionally put her in timeout. She's actually the perfect age for 123 Magic.

pause

Mon, Aug 20 2018, 8:04 pm

What I would do if a kid of mine was behaving like that is similar to keym and Chayalle. I disagree with Sirel; it's important to verbalize what your values and family "rules" are.

I would say "No name-calling." first as a reminder of a family rule that we never name-call. If that wouldn't work, I would go over to the child, bend down to eye level and in a low soft voice say, "In our family, we do not name-call. If he is bothering you in some way, you can tell him nicely or come tell me." And if that still wouldn't work, I would come back, and again, bend down to eye level and say, "We speak nicely to each other. After I told you not to name-call, you still did it again, so you cannot be here with all of us now." and I would physically take the child by hand and lead her into her room. "You need to stay here now for x minutes (I do according to age of kid) and when you come out, you will remember to only speak nicely."

This usually works. Especially because it's the culture in my family. The kids know to expect this.

When they come out, I don't make any grand welcoming. Just continue with life as normal. And after that, they don't try it again.