Adjusting dh expectations

amother

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Thu, Aug 23 2018, 1:11 pm

I recently returned to work after being a sahm for few years, which was actually by circumstance rather than choice (I turned out to be I'll suited for my original field, and it took some time to figure out a different path and then actually get hired). Dh has always been a fan of me working because he knows I'm happier that way, and he feels like I'm "sharing the burden" (although not really, he makes like 5X what I do, but whatever, he still feels like it's not all riding on him).

Now, dh totally understood that me going back to work would mean lower standards at home, some cleaning help, him pitching in more at home. What has come as a shock to him was a) he now has to sometimes take off for kid related stuff. Because that was something he simply didn't need to do before and now, he has to sometimes (actually probably more since his seniority allows him some control over his schedule) and b) we don't have the oodles of money he thought would come with my job, in fact, after taxes and child care, cleaning help, transportation etc, it only ends up being a couple of hundred a month (please no debate about whether it's worth it for me to work, it very much is for reasons beyond money).

Anyway he's been grousing about how these two things and I get it, he had an idea of what my working would mean and reality hasn't matched up to the fantasy. I guess I just need some support and what to say or do when he complains that won't come off as blaming or starting a fight.

amother

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Thu, Aug 23 2018, 1:35 pm

I already said, whether I work or not is not the issue and not up for debate. I plan to keep working for many years IYH. I'm on a career path, so the current situation of barely breaking even and needing to be careful about asking for time off is temporary. I have the potential for a very good salary down the line, so eventually it will bring in the extra money he was expecting. But that's not going to happen immediately.

pesek zman

Thu, Aug 23 2018, 1:41 pm

nechamashifra wrote:

your dh's expectations don't sound unreasonable. If you're working only because it makes you happier, maybe don't work and do something else instead that makes you happy but doesn't take your full time.

Shocked by this response?Why is his happiness more important than hers? Why do his needs trump hers?

nechamashifra

Thu, Aug 23 2018, 1:43 pm

amother wrote:

You just explained it really well. Those are the same words you should tell your dh. Wink

nechamashifra

Thu, Aug 23 2018, 1:46 pm

pesek zman wrote:

Shocked by this response?Why is his happiness more important than hers? Why do his needs trump hers?

Who said his happiness trumps hers? He's working to support the family. If it makes him feel fulfilled that's a bonus of course. But if he decided to work at a job that wouldn't support the family but only fulfills his needs of happiness, that would be wrong too.

Ruchel

Thu, Aug 23 2018, 3:20 pm

nechamashifra wrote:

He's the main breadwinner

Orchid

Thu, Aug 23 2018, 3:31 pm

Does he complain to you that it's somehow your fault the expenses are higher than anticipated and his time off requirements are greater than anticipated?
If so, that is completely illogical and you should tell him such. And I would not get defensive. You came to this decision together, and none of his "surprises" are within your control.

If he's just complaining to you -but not about you- then I would just complain with him. "Yes, you're right! It's so crazy how we thought we would end up with $1,000 but it's really more like $100. Totally insane how it seems that every week there's another need for you to take off!"

nechamashifra

Thu, Aug 23 2018, 4:15 pm

It's not about whose needs are more important (of course everyone's needs are equally important) and it's not a competition as to who GETS to go to work and who HAS to be there for the kids. When you're building a family, you're working as a team. Until the kids are adults, someone has to support the family financially and someone has to be present at home (depending on the kids ages, needs etc)

It doesn't need to be a fight. It just needs to be a discussion where you both listen to each other's concerns and come up with what's best for the family. If dh says "I can't take off from work and you respond with well what about all the times I had to take off etc", it turns into a fight. If you don't want to fight, you can respond with "yes, I hear you - you're unable to take off right now but so am I so let's come up with another solution"

imasinger

Thu, Aug 23 2018, 4:23 pm

Orchid wrote:

Perfect. Especially the bolded.

amother

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Thu, Aug 23 2018, 6:26 pm

Thanks for the advice. I like Orchid's idea, humor is always good. Also, there shouldn't be too many appointments once school starts. Most of these appointments wereade at the start of the summer davka to get them done before back to school. And I didn't have a job yet when I made them.