Feeling very pressured financially re: sibling's wedding

amother

Tue, Nov 15 2011, 4:08 am

OP, I totally understand where you're coming from.

We are flying from Israel to America in the near future for a family simcha. My parents insist that we come, as they want all their grandchildren there. They are paying for our tickets, and the hosts of the simcha are paying for the hotel. Originally, only I was supposed to go for a few days, but since my parents decided they want all grandchildren present, we were not given an option or choice.

Now the simcha is going to be ridiculously fancy. They're renting a very upscale hotel for the entire weekend and so on. So yes, I'm not paying for the tickets, but I would feel uncomfortable if my children were wearing shmattahs. I'm not the type of person to be into expensive clothing, shoes, or whatnot, but I also don't want my husband or children to feel like the nebachs of the room. I don't want people to say, "Nebach, look at the family flown in from Israel. Maybe we should slip them some money?" Or, "It's so nice to have the whole family here, let's all go out to dinner on Tuesday! Oh wait...don't tell Mrs. and Mr. K...we don't want to pressure them into having to pay at a restaurant." To be honest, we both work and can afford dinner just fine. There just seems to be this sort of stereotype in the family that really bothers me (probably more then it should), and I feel pressure to prove that I'm just fine, thank you.

I bought nothing new for myself since I figured I can just find something in the back of my closet somewhere but the kids? And there's Friday night, Shabbos day, another outfit for shabbos day since I'm assuming that everyone will be filthy after the meal, and then the Motzai shabbos party. That's a lot of clothing. So what to do? SALES. Sales at Children's Place, Sales at Old Navy, and presto. They needed winter clothing anyway so I don't feel like I'm wasting money for a 1-time wear. New shoes? Nope, I'll shoe polish their shoes. Shaitle done? Nope, I'll give it a good brushing. To be honest, I doubt I'll fit in anyway since their clothing is from Children's Place instead of 'La Boutique La Gdknowswhat', but they'll look neat and respectable and that's the most I can do.

OP, other posters gave you great suggestions on money saving tips. You can do your nails and makeup yourself, and so on, but I want you to see that it's common to feel that way. I, who usually don't care what other people think, am feeling it now.

amother

Tue, Nov 15 2011, 8:33 am

I think that, Bubbie and Raisin, you are only looking at from YOUR side, NOT the kallahs side. I married into a normal, not wealthy, but not poor family. My wedding was done VERY simple bc DH and I wanted to save money for a house instead having a fancy wedding. Following a color scheme and having updos wasnt a lot to ask considering my in laws DIDNT have to pay a cent for jewelry, we rented FAKE flowers, and the liquor was donated. So yes, they could have afforded it.

BTW, OP, I just got my DDs hair cut at a beauty school and they did a great job. Makeup and nails do yourself for sure.

chocolate chips

Tue, Nov 15 2011, 9:51 pm

tsiggelle wrote:

chocolate chips wrote:

Ok so I could have written this thread!

so many things aren't a problem for me as they are for op but I can understand where she is coming from. I have my first sib getting married...going alone is not an option, we want to go and stay for y"t after. Tickets are crazy prices and we just cannot see how we will pay them (we will but with alot ALOT of pressure and stress) I will probably end up doing my wig myself although I would loveeee to get it done nicely...I will probably go to a cheap/free gemach to get a gown. my makeup I will probably do myself same as my nails and I still cannot sleep over the $$$ that tickets and expenses there will cost me.

I dont know if there is anything we can do 'less' to cheapen it,...there isn't. life is expensive and as dh keeps telling me if you want to enjoy it you also gotta suffer it Ie: we will go and enjoy IYH as best we can afford but it will probably break us financially and we will have to work extremely hard to make it up.

oh and edited to add: I know plenty people say that parents pay for tickets for siblings wedding but there is no way in the world I would ask them to do that, they are making a wedding and its not easy financially for them either...and if they did offer to pay I would feel guilty the entire time that they spent even more money they dont have.

with all due respect to you and your dh
no, you dont have to suffer if you want to enjoy it, you dont have to break yourself financially for a siblings wedding. and remember it is the first of your siblings, what will you do by the rest if you are still paying off this one? and when you iyh have more babies, you gotta think about that, you know?

That. This is the first one for me...I want to enjoy it as much as I can, look nice and be there with my dh and ds...the next ones I wouldnt mind going alone since I know the more in the family the more it costs. Its not that we will be paying it off for 6 years after but more that it will just be alot to pay at the time...iyh with hard work (which we both do) we will manage!