If a young teenager has a short term crisis...

Fox

Wed, Sep 05 2018, 12:52 pm

crust wrote:

Very moving and encouraging post Fox but um. Have you ever lived in the tristate area? LOL

Lol, no! In fact, when my DH worked in NY, he commuted so we wouldn't have to.

But I think there are trade-offs. The social pressures in the Tri-State area are more rigid, particularly within groups, but there are more communities and more schools, and it's easier to drift away rather than walking away.

My other observation, based largely on my relatives' experiences, is that frequently the emperor has no clothes. Everyone tells one another that it's absolutely impossible to get away from the gossip, backstabbing, and tyranny of the schools. But when someone bucks the system, particularly in a confident manner, nothing really horrible happens.

Of course, if you believe your child and family will be ruined forever if he/she doesn't attend School X, then the nisoyon is to get past that kind of thinking. If you have that kind of attitude, you are giving schools a blank check to become tyrants.

amother

Ecru

Wed, Sep 05 2018, 1:14 pm

At this point our criteria for a school is that she can live at home, and it should be school she can be loved and happy in. (As opposed to a very rigid strict school that may break her over insignificant nuances...) we’ve tried applying to schools that are up to an hour and half commute from where we live and they don’t want to hear of it- they right away say there are enough schools where you live, your community needs to help you more than we do... so we’re having a very difficult time. My husband and I have put everything into this. Our home is a happy healthy place. No one has any issue with our home. We are here to fully support whatever the schools feel are necessary, to work hand in hand and make sure our dauighters high school experience is successful, happy and healthy! We are grounded and have strong guidance.

The details really don’t matter- the point of this post isn’t to get my (anonymous 😜) daughter into a school from imamother! My question and shock is at the total unaccepting, intolerance of the Frum community to help out in this situation. If she can’t move on from her past (which she and we have worked so so hard on and have come full circle to an amazing place!) then how can she possibly succeed long term?

amother

Tangerine

Wed, Sep 05 2018, 1:29 pm

OP I totally get you on the lack of acceptance. It's the reason we keep my daughter's condition a secret. It would be so much easier, accepting, and supportive for her if she could be open about it with her friends, teachers, etc...but the fact of the matter is, the frum society we live in is not accepting.

I go to PTA and the teachers rave about her to me and tell me how refined she is, what wonderful middos she has, etc...and I wonder what their reaction would be if I told them that she has a mood disorder. I doubt they would give her the same accolades. They would see her thru the lens of their perception of her condition (not their knowledge of it, because I find people to be woefully ignorant when it comes to mental health. The stigma is still sky-high.)

crust

Wed, Sep 05 2018, 1:42 pm

Fox wrote:

Ok. Thanks Fox. Now we are talking (at least somewhat) the same language.

OP the more you will study the bolded the more your child will come out a winner from this crisis.

I have a beautiful charming very bright child. I am not saying this to brag. I want to point out that situations like yours happen in many forms. The mental wellness b''h of the child did not save us and was completely irrelevant in this case.
This child went through a painful bullying situation which for certain reasons beyond anyone's control was hard to help.
(I dont want to go into details- I am in the TriState area after all lol).

Now I am a mamma lion and when it comes to my kids I literally go into the firepan.
Believe me, when I say that I left no stone in the school and in the community unturned, then there was no stone left unturned.
I wanted to save my child from the pain but more than that I felt that it's not fair that this child, the talented and brilliant child should suffer like this because of certain bureaucracy. It was so unfair.
But I hit a brick wall wherever I turned to.

When all else failed, I did not give up. I gave in. I began to accept the fact that as much as I myself hate this situation, this situation was meant to be a part of my child's growth process.
I began to accept that there is a limit to how much I can do to change it.

I can listen to the pain, I can try to give insight when needed but more than anything- I can give confidence to this child that you have the strength to fight back tactfully, to ignore the nonsense and to get over this.
I firmly decided that this child was given the koches to handle this situation and I let go.
I won't say the pain totally went away. All I say is that I began to focus more on accepting.
The end?
Its a few years later. This child has good friends and is much much stronger than before this whole saga.

Back to you OP,
Of course, trying to keep things a secret so you won't have to go through the whole society rejection thing is much easier. I understand your sadness over the fact that;

A. Some teenagers situations are more successfully kept secret. And come to think of it, it is really not fair; so just because you couldn't pull off the secret your child will get worse treatment? And,

B. the schools/community doesn't really give your child a chance and nothing is ever forgotten. (oh that boy? He had heart surgery the minute he was born! I remember.)

Ouch. I think you should allow yourself time to grieve these facts. It is a process.

Why am I focusing on grieving?
Because as long as you are not fully accepting of the situation yourself, you cannot give your child the confidence she needs to fight her way back into society.

I wish you much hatzlacha and healing.
KTV

Fox

Wed, Sep 05 2018, 2:28 pm

crust wrote:

When all else failed, I did not give up. I gave in. I began to accept the fact that as much as I myself hate this situation, this situation was meant to be a part of my child's growth process.
I began to accept that there is a limit to how much I can do to change it.

I can listen to the pain, I can try to give insight when needed but more than anything- I can give confidence to this child that you have the strength to fight back tactfully, to ignore the nonsense and to get over this.
I firmly decided that this child was given the koches to handle this situation and I let go.
I won't say the pain totally went away. All I say is that I began to focus more on accepting.
The end?
Its a few years later. This child has good friends and is much much stronger than before this whole saga.

You've said in a few words what takes me paragraphs! This is precisely what I was trying to get across!

amother

Magenta

Wed, Sep 05 2018, 2:47 pm

When I was in 6th grade, I nearly got expelled because of a situation like this. My teachers told everyone in my class to stay away from me because I’m crazy. They called my friends out one at a time to ensure that they not have a relationship with me. The only reason I wasn’t expelled is because the Rav in charge of the school decided to give me another chance, despite the fact that all of the other staff members wanted me out.

I wasnt accepted to camp that year, and didn’t bother applying the year after that.

I was rejected from the high school that all of my older sisters had gone to, when I applied 2 years after the 6th grade fiasco. They refused to even meet me for another interview. Finally, 6 days before school started, we got a psak from a Gadol saying that the school has to at least meet with me and my parents to see if we can work things out.

I remember the absolute terror I felt, walking into that office. My entire future was in the hands of the women sitting across me.

The principal sent my parents out of the room and listed all of the awful things she’s heard about me. Then she asked me why I think I deserve to be in her school.

I told her that every one of the things she said I did are true. I told her that I’ve made some big mistakes. My only excuse is that they were done from pain, not a desire to hurt others. And I told her that I want to do better, and asked her to help me do so.

She was really impressed by my honesty and maturity, and accepted me right then and there. She spent the next 4 years helping me become a healthier person- we had hundreds of conversations in her office.

I went to a mainstream BY seminary, and even attended camp during high school. The high school I was accepted to thought positively of me, and were good references.

My takeaway message- there are some amazing people in chinuch. Don’t give up.

amother

Ecru

Wed, Sep 05 2018, 3:15 pm

amother wrote:

Thank you for this. I am dreaming for someone to give my fantastic daughter the second chance she is desperate for and deserves.