Invited to wedding at 6pm on a tuesday

SixOfWands

Thu, Sep 06 2018, 4:10 pm

thunderstorm wrote:

Also I'd like to point out that many people just print up lists that they compile from other shul/ neighborhood members, and the invitations get mailed out to everyone on that list whether you have a relationship with them or not.

Its not that I doubt you, its just that this is so foreign to me. If I invite someone, I want them there. Even if I'm pretty sure they can't make it. Why invite people you don't know, and don't care about?

Anyway, people make the weddings they want, when and where they want. Sometimes its cost. Sometimes convenience for others, even if not convenient for us. Sometimes its just plain old that's the place that was available on the date they needed. We can choose to attend, or not.

People make destination weddings. I was once invited to a wedding in the British Virgin Islands. Inconvenient? You betcha. But I had a choice -- go or not go. (I didn't go, but I regret that.)

If the venue and time are inconvenient for you, and you're not close to the family, send a heartfelt mazel tov along with your regrets.

amother

Sapphire

Thu, Sep 06 2018, 4:25 pm

amother wrote:

is a gift not expected in such situations? in the secular world, inviting randoms like this would be seen as fishing for gifts.

No, not at all!!!
It's just a way of informing you of an upcoming simcha incase you will be on that side of town and would like to attend.
Wedding are much more casual in the frum crowd and the timing, expectation of attendance and gift expectation are way way more relaxed.

thunderstorm

Thu, Sep 06 2018, 4:30 pm

SixOfWands wrote:

Like someone else mentioned , when you are part of a kehillah , you invite everyone within the kehillah. It's up to the recipient to decide if they are coming. Or how much of a relationship they have with the Baal simcha. Usually in this case you don't invite for the meal. The person is invited to partake in the chuppah or the dancing after the meal. There is no pressure. There is an inyan o Simchas chosson vkallah , so if you do attend the Baal simcha is happy that you are partaking in their simcha and bringing joy to the chassan and kallah with your presence.
I get invitations from South America from people that went to school with my DH that are now marrying off their children . They have no expectation that he will travel across the world for this wedding. It's just a shout out of "I'm making a simcha and wanted to share my joy with you" type of thing.

amother

Lemon

Thu, Sep 06 2018, 4:32 pm

SixOfWands wrote:

People make destination weddings. I was once invited to a wedding in the British Virgin Islands. Inconvenient? You betcha. But I had a choice -- go or not go. (I didn't go, but I regret that.)

in the secular world, a major purpose of the destination wedding is so you can keep it very small and intimate and avoid having the people you're obligated to invite. your parents' work colleagues, not-so-close relatives, etc. would show up to the local wedding, but aren't going to travel abroad for a destination wedding.

obviously not the frum norm to have such a small wedding, but it's a very good idea if you want a <50 person wedding with people who care about you. I know several secular friends who did this, and it worked out well. they didn't have any hard feelings against friends who couldn't make it for whatever reason and didn't expect anyone to come other than immediate family, and were happy to celebrate with whoever did come.

Orchid

Thu, Sep 06 2018, 8:41 pm

I wouldn't have even understood your hangup about "Tuesdays" had it not been for a conversation I had with a non-Jewish colleague at work who was shocked I had a non-weekend wedding to attend. That's when I realized it was one of those "things" that, growing up in a frum enclave in Brooklyn, NY, I wasn't aware of how it was "done" in the wider world.

Frum weddings are more often during the week than weekends.
Many people are invited as a courtesy.
The baalei simchah would love to see you, but would not be upset if you didn't come as you are mere shul acquaintances.
Don't hassle yourself to attend.
If you can make it later, that is fine.
You don't need to bring a gift if you're not attending.

amother

Coffee

Thu, Sep 06 2018, 8:50 pm

amother wrote:

my instinct was that we'd be shnorrers if we showed up for the meal and missed the chuppah. it's interesting that the opposite is true in the frum world.

I agree. Its hard for me to understand attending a seudah if you skipped the main event - intentionally, not because of very difficult logistics.

I make a point to greet the Kallah (and entourage) on her 'chair'. So my presence is known.

amother

Aqua

Fri, Sep 07 2018, 2:22 am

amother wrote:

I went to a destination wedding. (my husband officiated so the couple flew us in) It was beautiful, in a really stunning place. But one or two of the chatan's siblings couldn't afford to fly in. Baffled why someone would either choose a destination wedding over having his siblings with him.

cookies6

Fri, Sep 07 2018, 6:07 am

amother wrote:

op here.

why invite a ton of people (they must have invited a ton of people if we were invited) if you only care about accommodating close family? can someone please explain the psychology...
the hosts have to know it's a major burden and inconvenience for acquaintances, "shul friends", community randoms, etc. to get there. why invite potentially hundreds of people you know will be annoyed if you don't care about what they think? do they want them to NOT come? do they feel pressured to have a big wedding and invite a bunch of people and keep up with the cohens, but are hoping that they make it so burdensome that a lot of them don't show up so they can save on the costs? are they just fishing for gifts and inviting people knowing they'll likely not come but will give a gift because they were invited?

also, do you folks honestly believe the airport venue is for convenience of family coming in from out of town rather than to save money? if they wanted to be convenient to their out of town guests, you'd think they'd do a sunday wedding. it doesn't really make sense that their out of town guests need to be right near the airport. they're not flying out on the night of the wedding anyway.

In general, I find your tone to be very judgmental. It sounds like you are not very familiar with the frum wedding world.
Regarding the bolded, yes, the airport venue is for convenience of family coming from out of town. When my brother got married in Chicago, my family took an airport shuttle straight to the hotel where the wedding was taking place and didn't have to go anywhere else or rent a car for that matter.
And a Sunday wedding would be horribly INconvenient for out of town guests because it's hard to fly out on the same day as the wedding (and allow enough time for delays) and no one is flying on Shabbos.
And, no one is flying out on the night of the wedding, but you can bet that some are taking very early morning flights back and the convenience of sleeping in the same hotel and being close to the airport makes a huge difference to them.

imaima

Fri, Sep 07 2018, 7:49 am

amother wrote:

Sometimes people like to invite a lot of people to show appreciation for the friendship and in hope that when you have a simcha, you will get invited too. They tell you that they would love to celebrate with you - if you can make it on these conditions! I have noticed that a wedding has almost a sacred importance in the secular world. In the frum world, you do your best to show up and celebrate with the couple. If you know for sure that you will not make it to the meal, tell them so. If it is not working out, just say no. There is no need for so much drama and speculation.

amother

Lemon

Fri, Sep 07 2018, 12:29 pm

amother wrote:

odd that nobody helped the close family pay for their flight and hotel. in those situations, someone usually helps them out.

amother

Taupe

Fri, Sep 07 2018, 12:43 pm

Jewish weddings are about the bride and groom. We go to make them happy. they aren't there to make us happy
If you want to join in the mitzvah of making a chasson and Kallah happy you'll find a way. if you want to b***ch about their wedding and how it doesn't work for YOU then just don't go.

I believe non Jewish weddings are about making the guests just as happy. But at our weddings we go up to bride and groom they don't walk around the place saying hello to us.

Dont go to the wedding. No one needs your negativity there. It's a beautiful day.