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Forum -> Chinuch, Education & Schooling
My second grade daughter hates davening, how can I help her?



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amother
Aquamarine


 

Post Tue, Sep 11 2018, 8:37 pm
My daughter is in second grade and everyday she complains she doesn’t like davening. She says it’s long and boring. Any tips or ideas to help her?
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amother
Black


 

Post Tue, Sep 11 2018, 9:23 pm
Don't force because it not only can backfire it will. Chas veshalom.
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enjoying kids




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 11 2018, 9:58 pm
I was like that as a kid. I was a "spacey" kid who loved daydreaming and hated singing. I remember in second grade I got only 1 sticker on my davening chart the entire year. When I reached around bas mitzva age, two things happened -- 1) we stopped davening out loud, 2) the concept of tefilla began to hold meaning for me. So please, trust the maturity process and don't do anything to give davening a negative association. Also, having her daven a shortened tefilla msy be helpful. But most important for the long term is that she should see you daven.
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Maybe




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 11 2018, 11:15 pm
amother wrote:
My daughter is in second grade and everyday she complains she doesn’t like davening. She says it’s long and boring. Any tips or ideas to help her?


Have you tried buying her a siddur with translation ?

Unless they know waht they are saying, why would it be less boring than reading the names out of the phonebook?
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amother
Sapphire


 

Post Wed, Sep 12 2018, 12:25 am
enjoying kids wrote:
I was like that as a kid. I was a "spacey" kid who loved daydreaming and hated singing. I remember in second grade I got only 1 sticker on my davening chart the entire year. When I reached around bas mitzva age, two things happened -- 1) we stopped davening out loud, 2) the concept of tefilla began to hold meaning for me. So please, trust the maturity process and don't do anything to give davening a negative association. Also, having her daven a shortened tefilla msy be helpful. But most important for the long term is that she should see you daven.



How did the concept of tefila take hold of you? As an adult I still struggle with tefila in terms of why we daven and what we accomplish by davening.
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Iymnok




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 12 2018, 3:23 am
Don’t force!
It is long and boring for many kids. They are also forced to keep their finger on the place which is quite annoying.
Ask her what bothers her and try to daven with her on a shabbos or Sunday in a way that she enjoys.
Then you could commiserate that at school they do it that way because it’s school, but she knows beautiful davening from home.
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rgr




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 12 2018, 9:55 am
Does she have trouble with kriah?
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 12 2018, 11:28 am
I always allowed my girls to pick a small treat from the pantry when they davened, on days that they didn't have school.
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amother
Seafoam


 

Post Wed, Sep 12 2018, 11:38 am
Chayalle wrote:
I always allowed my girls to pick a small treat from the pantry when they davened, on days that they didn't have school.


That’s a good idea! I’m not op but I have a 3rd grader who won’t daven... no Kriah issues. My 5th grader with kriah issues takes her davening very seriously. I know not to force my 3rd grader but I don’t know if bribing with treats will work in a long run... if we are out of treats, she won’t daven...
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 12 2018, 11:43 am
amother wrote:
That’s a good idea! I’m not op but I have a 3rd grader who won’t daven... no Kriah issues. My 5th grader with kriah issues takes her davening very seriously. I know not to force my 3rd grader but I don’t know if bribing with treats will work in a long run... if we are out of treats, she won’t daven...


You can "owe" her a treat the next time you stock up....
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little neshamala




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 12 2018, 11:51 am
My nearly 8 year old had a list of tefilos circled in her machzor/siddur from school for her to say over Rosh Hashana. She was very resentful and was asking if she had to.

I answered her: Tefila is something very special that Hashem gave us specifically in order to create a connection between us. Its an awesome thing! Its meant only as a special thing for us to connect to Hashem! AND it's never supposed to feel bad. Thats not the point! So, as soon as you feel annoyed then youre done. Try to daven whatever you can-even if its just one little thing, but make it real.

She ended up choosing adon olam because she likes it, and 2 lines from avinu malkeinu. And the bottom line is, instead of kvetching through the siddur she happily practiced connecting with the RIbono shel Olam with a happy heart and no resentment.

I dont care if thats "way below the tefila expectations" for a 3rd grader. Tefila should never be forced. Thats like shoving chocolate down someones throat and expecting them to learn how delicious it can be.
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amother
Seafoam


 

Post Wed, Sep 12 2018, 11:52 am
Chayalle wrote:
You can "owe" her a treat the next time you stock up....


True... I used to give out a “ bentching nosh” .... my kids bentched well for that nosh! Then they started asking first what the bentchig nosh is... sometimes they wanted to see it first...once the negotiations began I stopped the bentching nosh. Some Bentch well... others don’t bother. I’m not sure treats are the way to go although for very young kids it can work for a while.
I guess the question is, how to help a child WANT to daven.
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chani8




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 12 2018, 12:35 pm
little neshamala wrote:
My nearly 8 year old had a list of tefilos circled in her machzor/siddur from school for her to say over Rosh Hashana. She was very resentful and was asking if she had to.

I answered her: Tefila is something very special that Hashem gave us specifically in order to create a connection between us. Its an awesome thing! Its meant only as a special thing for us to connect to Hashem! AND it's never supposed to feel bad. Thats not the point! So, as soon as you feel annoyed then youre done. Try to daven whatever you can-even if its just one little thing, but make it real.

She ended up choosing adon olam because she likes it, and 2 lines from avinu malkeinu. And the bottom line is, instead of kvetching through the siddur she happily practiced connecting with the RIbono shel Olam with a happy heart and no resentment.

I dont care if thats "way below the tefila expectations" for a 3rd grader. Tefila should never be forced. Thats like shoving chocolate down someones throat and expecting them to learn how delicious it can be.


Perfect! Love this! Acceptance and encouragement and realistic expectations.
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little neshamala




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 12 2018, 12:38 pm
chani8 wrote:
Perfect! Love this! Acceptance and encouragement and realistic expectations.


Thank you
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ShishKabob




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 12 2018, 1:09 pm
Little neshamale, great advice!
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asmileaday




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 12 2018, 1:13 pm
little neshamala wrote:
My nearly 8 year old had a list of tefilos circled in her machzor/siddur from school for her to say over Rosh Hashana. She was very resentful and was asking if she had to.

I answered her: Tefila is something very special that Hashem gave us specifically in order to create a connection between us. Its an awesome thing! Its meant only as a special thing for us to connect to Hashem! AND it's never supposed to feel bad. Thats not the point! So, as soon as you feel annoyed then youre done. Try to daven whatever you can-even if its just one little thing, but make it real.

She ended up choosing adon olam because she likes it, and 2 lines from avinu malkeinu. And the bottom line is, instead of kvetching through the siddur she happily practiced connecting with the RIbono shel Olam with a happy heart and no resentment.

I dont care if thats "way below the tefila expectations" for a 3rd grader. Tefila should never be forced. Thats like shoving chocolate down someones throat and expecting them to learn how delicious it can be.


I love this advice. I can use it for my ds as well. Thank you
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little neshamala




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 12 2018, 1:47 pm
Youre welcome. I based the idea off my Rav's general advice to make sure my kids never feel pressured from mitzvos, and to keep in mind that the goal is for them to be able to do the mitzvos on their own by bar/bat mitzvah.

When my daughter was 5 he said "now you can tell her that wow, shes so big, now she can even wait a whole hour between milk aNd meat!" I was pretty taken aback. We are a right wing yeshiva family-everyone I knew had their kids waiting many hours at that age, if not the full 5 plus, and I asked him why he wasnt saying more...

He answered if she wants to wait more, then encourage her and applaud her, but always remember the goal is not to have little children keeping 100% of mitzvos. The goal is to have bigger children HAPPILY keeping mitzvos. If my 6 year old doesnt want to wash for bread, dont force. Encourage, keep it positive....but if he doesnt want to, drop it.

His words not mine...so I use this outlook a lot. Some of my family thinks we're too lenient but whatever Smile
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debsey




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 12 2018, 3:47 pm
little neshamala wrote:
My nearly 8 year old had a list of tefilos circled in her machzor/siddur from school for her to say over Rosh Hashana. She was very resentful and was asking if she had to.

I answered her: Tefila is something very special that Hashem gave us specifically in order to create a connection between us. Its an awesome thing! Its meant only as a special thing for us to connect to Hashem! AND it's never supposed to feel bad. Thats not the point! So, as soon as you feel annoyed then youre done. Try to daven whatever you can-even if its just one little thing, but make it real.

She ended up choosing adon olam because she likes it, and 2 lines from avinu malkeinu. And the bottom line is, instead of kvetching through the siddur she happily practiced connecting with the RIbono shel Olam with a happy heart and no resentment.

I dont care if thats "way below the tefila expectations" for a 3rd grader. Tefila should never be forced. Thats like shoving chocolate down someones throat and expecting them to learn how delicious it can be.


I agree with this approach.

I also asked my reluctant davener to read tefilos in translation and point out to me something that she personally would like to daven about. Led to a great conversation.
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amother
Floralwhite


 

Post Wed, Sep 12 2018, 5:21 pm
In my house, my girls know that every day they need to talk to Hashem. We talked about how even if they don't feel like it, its important to do it anyway to keep it up, so when they do need/want m, they are comfortable. But it's ok if the talking is, "Than you Hashem for my new tights, and can you make my teacher more interesting?", or even, "Nothing is going right today", as long as it's addressed to Hashem. When they are old enough, we talk about including shevach, bakashah and hoda'ah. But I do like them to say at least the first two lines of shema each day.

I also had a bad experience with davening treats. It became a real struggle, because when you get something enough, it starts to feel like a punishment not to get it, even if it's because that day they didn't earn it.
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erm




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Sep 13 2018, 12:45 am
Keep davening short and make sure she practices kria. Only add when she is comfortable with reading it. Most kids have a problem with davening when they are struggling with decoding.
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