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How can I help my daughter be less self-conscious?



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amother
Vermilion


 

Post Thu, Sep 20 2018, 8:29 pm
My 11 year old daughter is smart, talented and kind and does okay socially. Lately she has become very self conscious about her figure (she is way more developed than her friends). Particularly now before yom tov, I found it so hard to shop with her... how can help her be happy with her looks (so that it doesn't affect her confidence)?
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amother
Hotpink


 

Post Thu, Sep 20 2018, 8:39 pm
When I was growing up, I was taller, heavier, and had big feet. It was always hard to shop for me, and I always felt miserable and embarressed to buy from the largest size, and go into the 1 shoe store that carried size 11( now its more common) . Because I felt so self conscious(still do) my mother always made sure to buy me something that looked good and made me feel good, even if it was more expensive( I came from a family of skinny girls who walked out with gorgeous clothes from any store) so my mother spent more on me. She did it for my esteem. It didnt matter the price, but she spent it. Whether a pair of shoes, an outfit...something to make me feel wow. And it worked most of the time.
If your having a hard time finding that wow outfit to make your daughter feel good, would you consider a nice peice of jewelry lkavod yom tov?
Sometimes I remembered it helped that we went into a store that had a wow factor reputation...even if it was a simple thing that I bought..it just made a humongous difference with my very low self esteem that I went into a fancier store.
(I was talking to my sisters, and they never felt upset that I went into different stores. They understood that I couldnt find things that fit, and if a store with a better name( a fancier womens clothing store instead of a teen/preteen store) would have clothes for me, theu didnt feel jealous...especially since they could walk into any store to find thinhs)
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amother
Lemon


 

Post Thu, Sep 20 2018, 8:55 pm
I can very much relate to your daughter. I am 5"7 and have been ever since 8th grade. I also started developing well before my friends. I was thin and beautiful but I only see that now when I look back at pictures. At the time I felt so large and clumsy. My friends were all short and nowhere near as busty as I was.
Oh how I WISH I would've heard nonchalant comments such as, "you look so beautiful" or, "hello gorgeous!" when I walked through the door.
A couple years down the line I was talking to a friend I made through a eating disorder support group (eating disorder was not mainly as a result of this back story - don't panic!) and she mentioned something about not believing people when they told her she's beautiful. She asked me how I feel when people make such comments to me. I remember thinking that I have no idea because nobody ever did!!
I guess it just wasn't the type of compliment my mom gave out and my dad certainly wasn't the type to make those comments.
My advice to you would be to compliment your daughter often. Not as a response to a negative comment she makes about her appearance, but randomly when she comes into the kitchen wearing a new outfit, or when she gets dressed for shabbos or just at another time that seems appropriate.
A mother's approval means the world to children!
Hatzlocha!
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amother
Vermilion


 

Post Thu, Sep 20 2018, 9:00 pm
Thank you hotpink and lemon for sharing your perspective. Very helpful and some good ideas too. I really hope this won't be a long term struggle, I just so wish I could shake the insecurity out of her in one shot! Figures are a totally overrated virtue in our society!
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amother
Lemon


 

Post Thu, Sep 20 2018, 9:03 pm
amother wrote:
Thank you hotpink and lemon for sharing your perspective. Very helpful and some good ideas too. I really hope this won't be a long term struggle, I just so wish I could shake the insecurity out of her in one shot! Figures are a totally overrated virtue in our society!


You're so right that figures are overrated. Hopefully she will see that soon! Bear in mind that it is also pretty normal for teens to be self conscious... Their bodies are changing - many times at a different rate than their friends and it's all so new and unknown.
You sind like you have an awesome outlook and are such a great support system. Lucky daughter Smile
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Sep 21 2018, 4:27 am
I always made a point to tell DD that she was both smart and cute/pretty. Not in a gushy way, but just because. Now that she's a teen, she doesn't believe a word of it.

Sometimes you can do everything right, and your child will still struggle. Keep an eye out for depression and anxiety behaviors, or talk about how "I'm so ugly, I'm no good."

Oh how I wish a new dress or a couple of good grades would cheer her up!
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