S/O Hosting Marrieds - Ami article

FranticFrummie

Thu, Sep 27 2018, 4:48 am

Gold amother wrote:

Quote:

No older married sibling should think she is entitled to a vacation at her little sister's expense. (Interesting that it's always the little sister, not brother, who gets stuck with this).

Emphasis mine.

Do your younger brothers do anything at all, or do they just sit and play lego, hang out with their friends, or play basketball in the driveway?

I hardly ever see boys lifting a finger to help around the house, while the sisters are being run ragged, and the mom could surely use an extra hand.

I mentioned this to a friend once, and her DH chimed in and said "It's just not done. Boys don't do women's work." Oy. Rolling Eyes

I feel so bad for the future wives of these boys!

We don't live in the dark ages anymore, and with more women working out of the home as well as keeping the home and raising the kids, when are the men going to learn how to pitch in? Do they have to wait until their wives are on here, posting about how they are on the verge of a nervous breakdown? Is this the kind of husband we want for our daughters?

I know that not all of you pamper your boys like this. Many posters here are doing a great job raising real men. I do worry about the boys who are in more old fashioned home, though.

My main point, though, is that by watching the boys do nothing, this is how we train our girls to become doormats. We are socializing our girls to think that it is normal for them to be shmattes at the expense of everyone else. If they want any kind of space or consideration, they are shamed and labeled "selfish".

We don't need the patriarchy. We are oppressing ourselves by repeating the pattern.

Raisin

Thu, Sep 27 2018, 5:21 am

My kids all help equally when they are home for yom tov. Some of my boys are more helpful then some of my girls. (they are away in yeshiva/high school so don't really have much homework when home. Maybe the girls have a bit more since they have more government exams)

The boys do have to go to minyan but that actually means they are up earlier in the morning and more available to help while their sisters sleep.

In my house growing up boys were away in yeshiva while girls were home until seminary, so we definitely helped more just because we were around. But brothers did pitch in once they were home for yom tov.

amother

Gold

Thu, Sep 27 2018, 5:33 am

I'm the oldest child and only girl. From a young age my parents made sure each of us did chores. When we were younger we took turns, but eventually we found that we each preferred to do some tasks over others so we kind of took them on entirely. Now the only sibling still home is a man and he does a lot to help our parents around the house.

We were just there for the first days of Succos and he did most of the setting the table and washing dishes and helped keep an eye on the little kids who get into everything so quickly. That's not to say that we all didn't pitch in to help, but it's easy for the parents of young kids to get distracted when the baby needs to nurse and the 3 year old has to go to the bathroom right now and the 7 and 8 year olds are fighting over whose turn it is to play with a toy and the crawling baby just got into the Lego and the 5 year old is crying because the baby wrecked his creation.

Speaking for myself, if I was busy with my kids I would make sure that my husband was helping or I would hand off the kids to DH so I could help as much as possible. Sometimes we were both needed by different kids though so we had to let others take over. In my house, as in my parent's house and at my in laws, it is just as likely for a man to help as for a woman. My in laws only have boys so they raised them to help because my MIL was not going to do all the work by herself. B"H!

amother

Cyan

Thu, Sep 27 2018, 10:42 am

I had four boys first and then my two girls. When I had my boys I got so many comments (said with a smile) "to bad you don't have any helpers yet". I'm very happy it turned out this way because my boys leaned to help around the house ( their sisters are still to young to do much) they can cook simple things (they actually love working in the kitchen), vacuum, babysit and ect... (Not saying I wouldn't have trained them to do those things anyways, just it was so easy bec their arent any girls who want to help cook and ect...). I have two teenage brothers left (no sisters at home) and they help plenty at home - they even offer to babysit my kids sometimes. Before I was married the brothers near my age hardly did a thing, me and my sister ended up doing most of the chores.

SuperWify

Thu, Sep 27 2018, 10:43 am

My brother is in a yeshiva high school that ends very late. There is no time to help. On shabbos he might clear the table but really not much.

My younger brother though, is (sometimes) helpful- depending on his mood. He’s still small though. He does love to watch and play with his niece and nephews. He can even feed them breakfast.

So yes... it falls on my sisters. Although some sisters are naturally more helpful then others. I think it’s personality thigh I see that for some reason girls are supposed to chip in more then boys.

I dont understand it though.

Last edited by SuperWify on Thu, Sep 27 2018, 1:37 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Sienna

Thu, Sep 27 2018, 1:10 pm

With my kids, it's personalities. My daughter is much less take-charge. I have to ask her multiple times to do anything. My sons are much better at helping in the kitchen, setting the table, clearing, etc. My daughter is always holed up in her room and it's a hassle to get her down to help. My boys are much more willing.

ectomorph

Thu, Sep 27 2018, 1:26 pm

I rarely helped as a teen even when asked it was a huge source of stress to my mother. Now I happily run my own home and I regret being so selfish.

Part of my issue was that I wasn't motivated by the same things as, my mom was so she didn't get that it would work better to make it a challenge or efficiency competition then to call upon my sense of duty which I didn't have.

FranticFrummie

Thu, Sep 27 2018, 1:38 pm

amother wrote:

I had four boys first and then my two girls. When I had my boys I got so many comments (said with a smile) "to bad you don't have any helpers yet".

See, that is exactly what I'm talking about.

My rant is not about all you awesome moms and sisters who are doing things more equally, it's about the expectations that are put specifically on girls.

amother

Jade

Thu, Sep 27 2018, 1:44 pm

ectomorph wrote:

Thank you for saying this. I think you just pinpointed why my daughter doesn’t like to help and my boys are so helpful.