Ami-living article- hosting married couples for YT

amother

Hotpink

Thu, Sep 27 2018, 10:29 am

It all depends.
I'm the youngest of a double digit family. My husband is the same number child (there is another sibling)

I DREADED yom tov.

All of my siblings lived in town. But still one would move in because of a long story I won't get into so she was "entitled" to move in.
I had to give up my room, my privacy, my space.
My bIL is an entiled abusive jerk. So that didn't help either.

They'd make noise, mess, and leave.

I was Always so resentful. But mostly I was upset at my mother. She made me work so hard. She forced me to babysit all yom tov. What I wanted, felt, whatever. Didn't matter.

At some point two of my siblings started realizing This is not ok. They stopped coming often and flashing on my mom/me. They got me a gift.... it was the only gift I ever got till I got married.

Still, I believe there is a right way to do it. And it can be done.

And yes, a need may help out a little.
As long as everyone knows their responsibilities.

The mothers' being to be a mother to her unmarried young children first!

My sister had this talk when her oldest extrmely high maintenace kid got married.
That she is about to start her own lofe, and now their relationship is going to shift. It's going to be different. Her first responsibility will always be for the physical emotional and mental wellbeing of her other children. She will still always be there to help her and guide her becuase she is her daughter forever. Bit she has to keep in mind when she comes back for yom tov and shabbos, that for these siblings, this is the only house they have. And she and her father are their only afult support whereas she has a husband and an inlaws file now. And she has her own home for her own private and space. And that she will always be welcome and that she hopes that she always feels welcome and is respectful of her younger siblings.

dankbar

Thu, Sep 27 2018, 2:40 pm

hearing complaints on both ends -"lets solutionize "(can I make up a word) so that yomtov can b pleasant to all parties involved.
soluton #1 "TAKE ANOTHER APPT"
rent or hochnosos orchim room/bsmt/appt.
(if cant afford maybe parents can help.)
this will avoid chaos/mess/noise all time.
provide privacy for all. ezier w scheduling. better sleeping arrangements. teen wont havta babysit all day while parents sleep or give up her room. when u feel its too much u escape to ur haven. ezier to clean up when kids not around
Solution #2 parents dont havta take all families at once if too hard. cud rotate one or two families at each meal or each yt if oot.
Solution #3 if all coming. menu gets split & each bring ready dishes that they do at home at their convenience, so all share in burden & doesnt fall on mom alone. ( keep hearing how parents love when kids come but they overwork)
Solution #4 hire a waiter for a few dollars to set up-serve-plate-clear so all can enjoy & nobody bz in kitchen & missing convo
Solution #5 ask cleaning lady to come on yt to do dishes, clean up
solution # 6 use fancy papergoods so no dishes
solution #7 take turns with serving clearing lets say each fam is responsible at a diff meal. or each kid is in charge of diff thing to clear off table. make it a teamwork
communicate before hand needs/responsibilities/rules....dont wait till it turns into a nasty fight.
there can be compromises instead of teen on call babysitter 24 hr.....what happens if she takes a baby/toddler in stroller for a walk together with her friends....its win/win parent gets a break & she still gets to enjoy & go out with her friends

married05

Thu, Sep 27 2018, 8:53 pm

Life is a cycle of giving and taking. 14 yr old teenager was babysat and cared for by her older siblings. They ran her birthday parties and cleaned up after her. When she is grown with kids of her own, her nieces and nephews will be helping her out.
Life may not be a tit for tat but in a healthy normal situation very seldom is one only in the giving/receiving end

amother

Powderblue

Thu, Sep 27 2018, 10:13 pm

amother wrote:

to all those saying they are so busy taking care of their kids that they don't have time to help at all, fine. there are times when you can and times when you cant and that's normal. but there are those that consistently don't help out, don't help cook, clean, serve, clear up or anything. they expect to be waited on like royalty and that's not okay. I don't think anyone needs to defend themselves and feel slighted about this topic. if you try to help when you can, and there's always something you can do, then you're a mentch and know that it is appreciated.

this exactly. If you know you are truly busy with your kids then by all means..no need to get defensive. I'm more referring to the ones with the entitled attitude that everyone must serve them because they have little kids, or think they are deserving of a vacation at someone elses expense.

amother

Powderblue

Thu, Sep 27 2018, 10:23 pm

married05 wrote:

not quite. By the time youngest siblings get married and have their own kids parents are older and unable to host. They dont get the experience of going away to their parents for yom tov. and most of their older married siblings will be making their own yom tov with their own by now large families. their nieces and nephews will be helping their own younger siblings if they are of the older bunch and their own nieces and nephews if they are from the younger bunch. The cycle of give and take goes down the line from mother to daughter and the siblings in immediate families.. it doesnt extend to nieces and nephews. The youngest therefore have to give and give but rarely get any help when its their turn.