Home
Log in / Sign Up
    Private Messages   Advanced Search   Rules   New User Guide   FAQ   Advertise   Contact Us  
Forum -> Judaism
S/O uninspired rut



Post new topic   Reply to topic View latest: 24h 48h 72h

amother
Papaya


 

Post Wed, Oct 03 2018, 7:03 pm
I was feeling this (what the OP stated in her thread) on my way home from work today. & then opened this...

I am so tired. Like so absolutely bone tired of This.

I feel that it’s so hard to be a frum jew. For men and women. & there are so many rules & restrictions & I hardly ever get a break. I know that it’s not what’s life about. I do realize this but how can we NOT feel resentful & Just stop feeling the joy when there is so much on our plate. I work in a non jewish office and had to work on chol hamoed. & today. & I’m asked how was your ‘holiday?’ All I want do do is cry when I hear that!
I am so so tired, burnt out and done.

The non Jews would die if they would know what goes in to our ‘holiday’
Prep. The cost, the time, the work, the lack of sleep. Omg. I can’t take it.
Back to top

imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 03 2018, 7:50 pm
I figure, when they're all stressing about Thanksgiving, and the end of December, I'll be chilling.

We all feel the challenge of chagim. Try to focus on the good parts. Once everyone is transitioned back into routine, we may even miss them
Back to top

nyc123




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 03 2018, 8:13 pm
Try to make a list (now) of your priorities on yom tov and another list for Shabbat. Sometimes we feel like we have to do everything. It may be “expected” of you now (since you’ve been doing it and get through it), but that does not mean you have to do it. Since you work during the week, maybe one of your priorities is to use yom tov and Shabbat as more of a “break” and use it as a chance to reconnect spiritually, since your work obligations are on hold. If that is your number one priority, other things may become lesser priorities. Maybe hosting can be a very low priority. Fancy meals or even meals with many side dishes and desserts can also be a very low priority. Instead of a potato kugel, make roasted sweet potatoes. Instead of a broccoli kugel, make broccoli! Instead of baking a cake, put out fruit! These are much quicker prep and cooking time. If getting enough sleep is a high priority (which for your own health I hope it is!!) then make sure anything you want to make can be finished before the time that you set- keep it simple. Try thinking of your priorities for Shabbat now and practice on Shabbat. Try to use this Shabbat for exactly what your soul needs - some inspiration and time to reconnect! And maybe a shabbas nap Wink Make your priority list and once you have that you can problem solve how to make it work.
Back to top

amother
Azure


 

Post Wed, Oct 03 2018, 8:36 pm
as previously stated- simplify, simplify, simplify. Can you delegate anything. My 8 year old dd likes to bakes so I've been teaching her how to make challah. I can work on something else while she does a lot of the work for the challah which makes it go faster. Does your husband help? If you are working also then I think it's reasonable to ask him to help out.

I don't have my kids stay up for the whole seudah. We don't live in NY and where we live shkiyah is later. I know some people have their kids nap and then stay up. You don't have to have your kids completely off schedule. Try to think of what is wearing you down and see if any of it can be changed. Of course there's a limit and the chagim are going to be more work, more off scheduledness, the question is how much.
Back to top

amother
Papaya


 

Post Wed, Oct 03 2018, 10:11 pm
I appreciate everyone’s suggestions.
But honestly, being a frum jew is wearing me down Sad
I was thinking about this when I was in shul on Simcha’s Torah. The whole men’s section we’re having their kiddish. Drinking, dancing, eating.
I had to leave to get home & make sure food was ready for when everyone gets home for the Seudah. Just wasn’t feeling anything anymore but fatigue & being worn out
Another example: my daughter has 3 little kids, oldest 5. Her husband stayed up all night to learn Hoshana Rabbah Cz there’s an inyan to do this. So next day my daughter (of course supports him in this ) but walks around a zombie Cz she’s exhausted herself.
I don’t know. I guess I’m the crazy one who is on a lower level than everyone.
But I am the one who needs to cook for Yom Tov & work as well.
Back to top

amother
Azure


 

Post Wed, Oct 03 2018, 10:26 pm
so to take apart your post- I don't have three kids under the age of 5, my dh doesn't stay up all night, my dh davened hashkama and then we went for dancing for a little bit for the kids sake and then we came home. Is having a large family praiseworthy- yes, is learning praiseworthy yes but it can't be at the cost of my sanity and lead me to be resentful of the religion. There's the ideal and then there's reality.
Back to top

imorethanamother




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 03 2018, 11:44 pm
amother wrote:
I appreciate everyone’s suggestions.
But honestly, being a frum jew is wearing me down Sad
I was thinking about this when I was in shul on Simcha’s Torah. The whole men’s section we’re having their kiddish. Drinking, dancing, eating.
I had to leave to get home & make sure food was ready for when everyone gets home for the Seudah. Just wasn’t feeling anything anymore but fatigue & being worn out
Another example: my daughter has 3 little kids, oldest 5. Her husband stayed up all night to learn Hoshana Rabbah Cz there’s an inyan to do this. So next day my daughter (of course supports him in this ) but walks around a zombie Cz she’s exhausted herself.
I don’t know. I guess I’m the crazy one who is on a lower level than everyone.
But I am the one who needs to cook for Yom Tov & work as well.


Everything is about attitude, and also about standing up for yourself. Guess what? Everyone can come home together and warm up the food and set the table together. Since they all had kiddush, as you said, in shul, no one is starving. They can wait a while until the food is ready. Many women I know didn't even go to shul on Simchas torah - they stayed home and read a book!

And I thought to myself, "Huh. Here I am shlepping little kids when they're exhausted and they're not even interested. Why?" So. . . I stayed for one hakafah during the day, and left. They played, I read Mishpachah, and I decided to make myself some delicious dairy food and let the men eat leftovers.

Your daughter - well, she has the right to say no. I did. For years I told my husband that he wasn't allowed to stay up all night to learn - on SHAVUOS. Let alone Hoshana Rabba. It's a nice thing to do, it's not some kind of requirement.

What you're describing isn't a "frum" thing, it's a "chumrah" thing. If the men are eating and dancing, all you really needed was some lechem mishnah and done. If they don't like it, I guarantee you can point to the oven burner and tell them the eggs are in the fridge and scrambled eggs are actually quite easy. Your husband is always happiest when you're happiest, and the sooner we all stop putting extra problems on ourselves is the quickest way to avoid feeling like a martyr. If your daughter is happy to be a zombie, pat her on the back and go take a walk. It's her choice. If she doesn't want to be a zombie, she can tell her husband that he can do it when the kids are older, and not before. God will understand. A happy wife is a happy life - literally, according to "Garden of Emunah".

And I live in a not-frum area, so as another commenter said before, if I had to do what these other women do for X-mas, I would lose my mind. At least all we have to do is food - they have to do food AND buy everyone they know a present. That's torture for me!
Back to top

Mommyg8




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 04 2018, 12:20 am
imorethanamother wrote:
Everything is about attitude, and also about standing up for yourself. Guess what? Everyone can come home together and warm up the food and set the table together. Since they all had kiddush, as you said, in shul, no one is starving. They can wait a while until the food is ready. Many women I know didn't even go to shul on Simchas torah - they stayed home and read a book!

And I thought to myself, "Huh. Here I am shlepping little kids when they're exhausted and they're not even interested. Why?" So. . . I stayed for one hakafah during the day, and left. They played, I read Mishpachah, and I decided to make myself some delicious dairy food and let the men eat leftovers.

Your daughter - well, she has the right to say no. I did. For years I told my husband that he wasn't allowed to stay up all night to learn - on SHAVUOS. Let alone Hoshana Rabba. It's a nice thing to do, it's not some kind of requirement.

What you're describing isn't a "frum" thing, it's a "chumrah" thing. If the men are eating and dancing, all you really needed was some lechem mishnah and done. If they don't like it, I guarantee you can point to the oven burner and tell them the eggs are in the fridge and scrambled eggs are actually quite easy. Your husband is always happiest when you're happiest, and the sooner we all stop putting extra problems on ourselves is the quickest way to avoid feeling like a martyr. If your daughter is happy to be a zombie, pat her on the back and go take a walk. It's her choice. If she doesn't want to be a zombie, she can tell her husband that he can do it when the kids are older, and not before. God will understand. A happy wife is a happy life - literally, according to "Garden of Emunah".

And I live in a not-frum area, so as another commenter said before, if I had to do what these other women do for X-mas, I would lose my mind. At least all we have to do is food - they have to do food AND buy everyone they know a present. That's torture for me!


I love this post! This is so exactly what I wanted to say!

We women can't do everything. If we're pitching in to bring home parnasah, everyone has to pitch in in other areas.

I had a nice yom tov. I made three super easy dishes for simchas torah (ok, two were from the freezer), and honestly even that was too much. I had tons of leftovers. I went for the hakafas I wanted, then went home to warm up the food and read mishpacha (and hamodia). My kids stayed in shul.

My father used to say that if you feel the suitcase is too heavy, then you are carrying the wrong suitcase. If you feel yiddishkeit is too hard, then rethink - is this really yiddishkeit? The answer may surprise you.
Back to top

amother
Scarlet


 

Post Thu, Oct 04 2018, 12:44 am
Love the answers here! Op, sounds like you can use two things:
A. Cut yourself some slack. I didn’t either go to shul. Guess what? My kids don’t need it and I’m not doing anyone any favors.
B. You need to get yourself inspired and fired up about yiddishkeit because it sounds like you’re suffering from burnout. But that really only comes after step a has been thoroughly implemented.
Back to top
Page 1 of 1 Recent Topics




Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Judaism

Related Topics Replies Last Post
Dd12 so uninspired
by amother
4 Mon, Sep 18 2023, 3:50 am View last post
by DVOM