Neat people think they can make a mess in my house!

amother

Cobalt

Fri, Oct 05 2018, 7:56 am

My house is clean, but not always neat because I have a very messy DH and messy kids. I try really hard to keep it neat but it's hard for me to keep up with so many messy people who don't put things away.
I have rules for my kids about putting away their things and I try to get them to put their dirty laundry in the hamper and put their books away, but if I don't check up on them, they don't do it. DH never puts his things away but he helps in other ways so I just deal with cleaning up after him as best as I can.

I have 2 friends who are super neat. Probably almost OCD about it. Their kids have to clean up every toy they take out and their houses are always spotless.
Here is what gets me - they come over to visit and they let their kids trash my house! Their kids will take out game after game and not clean up before they leave. They have both let me know that they love coming to my house because it gives their kids a chance to make the mess that they can't do in their own houses, since I'm so chilled and relaxed! They actually think they are complimenting me when they say things like that!
But the truth is, that I may act relaxed to be polite, but inside I'm stressed and anxious because of all the work I have to do after they leave.

I have tried getting their kids to clean up, but at best, they throw everything into one box and don't sort it properly, so it's still a big job for me after they leave.
This has been going on for years and it's really starting to get to me.
Why do they think this is okay?

amother

Ivory

Fri, Oct 05 2018, 8:27 am

I think some people don't get it and just need it to be explained. I would be upfront with them. I have a hard time getting my kids to clean up after themselves and it's a lot of work for me to clean up. I have limited energy to devote to tidying my house so I've decided that for my sanity I need to limit my guests as much as possible to people over who's kids will clean up after themselves. I really value our friendship and realize that you thought I might just be "chilled" about the state of my house since it's messier then yours so I just wanted to be open with you about what's really going on. I'm sure you understand.

amother

Bisque

Fri, Oct 05 2018, 8:36 am

amother wrote:

I don't know the ages of your children or your two friends children but I would put away those toys that are hard to clean up and make them out of reach or unavailable. In other words maybe you can put away puzzles and games with lots of pieces and leave out books and stuffed animals dolls etc. Good luck!

amother

Aubergine

Fri, Oct 05 2018, 9:28 am

The resentment is hurting u, so pls say something to them about ur expectations. At the beginning, it will be very hard to Implement rules for ur friends kids to clean up bec the kids are used to making a mess /being "free" but eventually those kids wil learn the rules are the same as their homes

. Its unfair for ur friends to let their kids have "off" from cleaning up at ur house. The problem is that ur friends think u are fine with it only bec u are trying to be "nice". No more "being nice" at ur expense. Be nice to yourself and put yourself first.

Put a stop to the expectations of ur friends and their kids now, but it will take time for everyone to adjust to the new expectations of having to clean up.

thunderstorm

Fri, Oct 05 2018, 12:00 pm

Ugh! I have family members like this who do this to my house. So we put a lock on our toy closet and I hide the key when they come because otherwise , I'm left with a week's worth of cleanup.
I myself will go with them to unlock the closet and allow them to take out one thing only. (Including books too) and when they want something else they need to put away the thing they have put first.
The sad thing is that there is no difference whether they are two or twelve. Because they are so restricted at home they use other homes as a release but they don't want to bother cleaning up because it's too overwhelming since they don't have experience doing it in their own home, because they don't get that chance to even make a mess to begin with.

Those same kids will comment about the two fingerprints on my glass porch door because in their house it's unheard of and you get yelled at if you dared put a fingerprint on glass.
But once they see that I don't get hysterical about the fingerprint they will intentionally start putting prints or drawing with their fingers on my glass!!!! It's extremely frusterating!

MiracleMama

Fri, Oct 05 2018, 12:05 pm

amother wrote:

What took you so long?

Your friends are abusing you. And they have even given voice to their own bad behavior.
I don't know why they think it's okay but I know it wont change if you don't do something about it. It's either don't have them over anymore or time for a frank discussion about them giving your home the same respect they give to their own.

bestme

Fri, Oct 05 2018, 12:17 pm

I had guests that their kids I did not follow my house rules about toys. I was super annoyed about it. The next time that I had guests with kids, (a different family) they also did not follow my house rules about toys. After an hour of them playing, I started to get annoyed and so I said in a nice voice, we have new rules in this house about toys, and I clearly stated my rules. They followed my rules perfectly. I realized that people just don't know my rules and so I have to clearly state it. It will be much harder for you because by you it has been going for a long time.
I am actually getting guests with kids tonight. I am wondering if I should tell them my rules as soon as they walk in or should I wait to see until they make a mess...

tachles

Fri, Oct 05 2018, 3:47 pm

amother wrote:

(At the risk of sounding like an MTV show)
Stop being polite ..and start being real
Just say you know my kids know that we only take out one or two toys at a time and then put them away so that we don’t lose any pieces or accumulate a big mess for ME to clean up,
And if they don’t take the hint and tell their kids to clean up
You just say to their kids in front of the moms, oh we can take that game out only after we put this one way so come help put this away,
And if the moms still don’t take a hint, you can say
I feel overwhelmed when the toys are all out at once, I’m sure you know what I mean because your very organized so I know you appreciate order, so when your kids come over can you just help make sure they’re keeping to my one toy out rule, it’s easier for kids to clean up when it’s just one thing. And I’ve got enough housework to tend to without also sorting toys.
Clear, direct, not offensive

amother

Natural

Fri, Oct 05 2018, 4:01 pm

amother wrote:

Next time you're at their house, encourage your kids to make a mess. Then tell them that when they said that that they thought it was OK for their kids to make a mess in your house, you thought they meant that it was equally OK for your kids to make a mess in their house. And if its not OK in their homes, they should be equally considerate of you.

Notsobusy

Fri, Oct 05 2018, 4:42 pm

bestme wrote:

I would be taken aback if our host started telling us her rules as soon as we walk in the door. I could imagine I would feel horribly uncomfortable and not enjoy myself at all. I would spend the entire time hovering over my kids and just want to leave and never come back.

Please don't tell them your rules as soon as they walk in. Especially if they are one time guests. If they start to make a mess and you expect to have them over frequently, then you can say something. Otherwise you just clean up when they leave, that's part of having guests.

boat

Sat, Oct 06 2018, 9:01 pm

My take on this is that as a guest, if a house/playroom is generally messy and unorganized it may feel pointless to even begin cleaning up. However if my child comes to play in a neat room and takes out one toy to play, I would surely encourage him to clean up when done. After all, it is obvious that the mess was caused by him.

Suggestion: don't expect someone else to organize your playroom for you. Your children need to show neatness and then you can have the same expectations from others. I do second the idea of putting a lock on the closet, and/or messy toys out of reach even when no guests are around.